You are going to be so much happier and healthier going this route.

The good thing about the way Plan B works is there is no "Plan D." You stop seeing or talking to him, and you feel better. He might choose to reconcile with you by following MB, and that would be great, or you might be divorced. But even if you end up divorced, that's not any different from Plan B. You take this step and it's the right way to move regardless of whether or not this eventually ends in divorce.

Yes, I guess Plan B would be more of a softer blow for me. I don't easily accept defeat. I know it is likely he won't want to reconcile but for the sake of my children, I want to give him the opportunity to choose to change. If he doesn't, I'll move on and care for my children as a single mom.

Plan B will be your greatest victory either way. It is not defeat to stand firm by the ideals of marriage and refuse scornfully a counterfeit one. Plan B is a refuge, a walled city which cannot be beseiged in war time. Either your conditions are met, or not, but their loss. Their defeat. Evil does not win.



It is easiest to do any task, including child rearing, with a willing partner. It is hardest to do it with a dead weight dragging you down. Single motherhood is somewhere in the middle. It won't be anywhere near as hard as what you are used to.

I wonder if you know what a wonderful example you will be setting for them about what a marriage should be, and what is unacceptable by taking this brave stand. I suspect you will come to see this if not.

Eventually I will see it, I guess. Thanks for the encouragement.

You shouldn't look at separating from a serial cheating WS as "defeat". You can't force anyone to do anything against their will, including being a good spouse or parent.

All you can do is do your best - and in this case that means not enabling someone who is abusing you and gaslighting you.

Glad to hear that you are going into Plan B. I would advise you to save the SH sessions for your WH should he cry about wanting you back while you are in Plan B (as most cake eating serial cheaters do) - you can let that be part of your PB requirements or save it in case recovery becomes possible at one point.

You would be better off calling Dr Harley for free on the radio show in terms of your actual separation.

Separating from an abusive spouse is a victory.

Another way to put this, RW, as long as you allow it, your WH will use your intense desire to keep your family together against you. Ask me how I know.

Plan B is not another way to try get him to do what you want. It is letting go.

Thanks apples and SusieQ. It's hard for me to let go, though I know I should.

I talked with a landlord today about possibly sub-leasing an apartment. He was supposed to get back to me but didn't so I will get with him again tomorrow.

My plan is to file for legal separation after I move out. Hopefully I can be moved out by the end of this week. I moved a lot as a kid and hate that my kids are being put through this.

Having a hard time writing the Plan B letter. Will get that posted as soon as I have it done.

Here's what I have for my plan B letter. I am open to any and all feedback. Thank you!

Dear Husband,

It is with tears in my eyes that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage, our family.

I acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, had angry outbursts and failed to show you that I love you many times. This probably helped create an environment in our marriage that allowed you to decide not to work on our marriage. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to create a mutually satisfying marriage. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband. I so want to be able to create and sustain a strong marital connection, filled with passion, love and friendship.

The past four months have been very difficult for me. We seemed to start our life Out of State on a good note, only to slip at caring for our marriage and each other again. We have neglected our marriage again and lost our foundation of trust and respect. Until you want to willfully, work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be moving out and having no communication with you. This is because it is too painful for me and I cannot tolerate neglect, apathy and disinterest toward our marriage.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. I want to grow old with you.

When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our rebuilding our marriage, go to counseling, and end your friendship with your classmate. I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

Your loving wife,

My 2cents

Thank you! I wondered if the letter was too wordy.

I really dislike the use of the word "friendship" here. We all know this is not a friendship and calling it that just continues to enable your WH's gaslighting.

I would use "inappropriate relationship" or "emotional affair".

Why are you continuing to call this a friendship?

Call it an emotional affair. If he is willing to wreck his marriage, it is an affair.

I will change the wording to call it what it is, an emotional affair.

A family member suggested that I ask him to move in order to avoid moving my children yet again. They are concerned because we just moved to this state less than 6 months ago. Anyone have thoughts on that?

you could certainly ask him to leave.

So the landlord may not have the unit available until 2-3 weeks from now. If that's the case do I give my husband the letter now with the date or hold the letter until my move in date? I'm so ready to leave and be in a less stressful environment.

Is he moving or are you? I would give him the Plan B letter when he leaves.

As of now, I am planning to move out. My question earlier was in light of a family member who suggested he move. I wanted to get the MB folks perspective on that.

Sounds like if the apartment isn't available for a couple weeks, I should hold off on giving the letter until the day I move. Correct?

I am going to look at another apartment tomorrow, just in case this first one falls through.

I just saw in another thread that you don't give the letter until you can end all contact with WS so, I will hold off on giving him the letter until my move day.

I wish we had family or friends here so that my kids and I can stay at someone's place until my apartment is ready. I guess I won't ask him to leave given I won't be able to get the locks changed, he would need to request it since he is the lease holder for our current home.