" a couple years ago I encouraged to get back in the workforce"...so I could get her off my back about going home.

Ok...this gets confusing. Let me explain.

We grew up in state A... other man lives in state A.

We lived in state B for 5 years before we got married. We continued to live in state B after we were married.

I got the new job in state C.

My wife did not run back to state B where we came from.. she went back to state A where the other man lives, and the high school reunion was.

Does that help?

With regard to job applications... I did look at other jobs in other states.. and there was a job closer to state B... she agreed that we should stay where we are in state C so we don't move the kids. After the high school reunion, she wanted to return to state A.

If any of the geographical details are incorrect, please clarify.

Cross-post. Thanks for clarifying.

How is far are state A and State B? Is that the 2 hours you mentioned?

Also... with regard to moving, it's easy for the stay at home mom to just say move me here move me there... I'm the one that has to support the family and figure out the whole career thing, the local economies job market, the industry .

Here is my "beef".. I said that I would move anywhere, but we need to be in it together and figure it out together. I wanted to do it as a team... meaning looking at job opportunities together... or I asked her if she could at least help me with some things around the house while I job searched and sent out resumes

No, 1000 miles!

Just to add claity..state A,B,C make a big triangle 1000's of miles apart.

A and B have nice beaches... she really wanted to spend her summers on the beach while I worked. Our marriage coucelor also made the remark that he felt she is a very selfish person.

That is so much clearer. Thanks. It doesn't negate the moving issue but it does make it clear that she left for the affair.

What are you doing for Plan A today?

Do you see why people here are Leary of counselors? None of these have helped your marriage. As an at-home parent, the beach with the kids could be an appropriate place to spend time in the summer.

Have you considered taking her on a get-away? If she likes the beach, go
There or on a cruise or something. Taking off work to spend time with her was one of Dr. Harley's recommendations on your show.

The thing you need to understand, TM, is in my marriage I'm more like you than your wife. I make 5x what my husband does. It takes 3-6 months in my field to start a new job once you sign a contract. I understand the time and work it takes to get out of a contract. Knowing all of that, you still should have moved back at 2 years. You may still need to move back to save the marriage.

But none of this should distract you from
Plan Aing today

I agree.. I am happy to move back to State B TODAY... but now, she wants a divorce which means we are going to be stuck here basically forever.. unless we both agree at some point in the future that we both want to move

So Plan A is your best chance at the life you want.

Yeah... I'm confused though. If my wife really wants to move, divorcing me could mean she is stuck here forever, so why does she want to divorce me? I already told her I would move for her... divorce does nothing but guarantee misery for her. I would think that working things out with me would be on her best interest.

Has she taken any action on the divorce? No. You also seem to be the one who keeps bringing it up.

So this is your chance to Plan A and win her back. Take advantage of her good mood to make some Lov Bank deposits.

What is your Plan A agenda for today?

I asked her to go on a walk with me this morning... she said she wanted to, but she was just waking up so she couldn't. We have birthday party to go to with the kids later.

I have filed for divorce... but the action she has taken is to ask me to draw up on a piece of paper custody and division of assets so we can review it together then send it to the lawyers to get it finalized. We have a final court date next month.. the only way we can possibly be ready is if we sit down and work everything out our selves.

Last night I told her that if getting thus divorce done makes her happy, I would do it. I said that I would like to still work on our friendship and maybe it would be better to do that from a safer place.. being divorced. She said that she would be happy if I went out and found the Texas woman that I always wanted.

One thing she said was that she was that one thing that made her really happy is that when she asked for divorce, I did not get mad. I did not cut her out... I am still doing things with her like going out to dinner. That is making her happy.

Whats the Texas woman thing?

She is a wayward. Long term planning and for the best planning is not exactly their thing. More of a pinball of emotions kind of plan. That's why you plan A because it focuses on teeny daily emotions. Ping the pinball yourself.



Right, the pinball is pinging you. Doing whatever makes a wayward happy is a disastrous plan. She'll have the shirt off your back, and make you the star of a porno.

Her goal is to wreck the marriage and you are sitting down with her to draw up divorce plans you don't want for a pat on the head!

Is this a wind up?

Just say I dont want a divorce shnookums, go out and pick up her favourite snack and a bunch of flowers.

Then go online house hunting in her home state and ask her how many bedrooms she wants. How close to the beach?

Put up with the sulky reply. Get up and do it all again tomorrow.

Plan A is to create a happy feeling ABOUT the marriage. It's like shooting fish in a barrel to make them happy about going along with their addiction. All you'll end up with though is dead fish.

No she will not like or encourage plan A. Yes she will pout. But she will not be able to help noticing. Plan A is a hostile take over not a roll over and play dead plan.

This would make any woman feel unwanted. No woman wants to hear she's just a pal, even if she's doing the walking. Hence her dig back where she says she's just a non jealous friend too.

Right now her addiction wants you to not care, to allow her to sink. But when she gets free, she'll remember stuff like this where you agreed you weren't in love, didn't care either.

Be a broken record about your love, about not wanting the divorce.

So what should I do? Refuse to divorce her? She will tell me she wants me to find another woman, but if she sees me talking to one, she gets extremely angry and I see it in her face. What should I do about the divorce? My therapist wants me to get the divorce done ASAP to protect myself from her. Dr Harley also thinks it's a good idea. In my gut.. I feel like I 'm doing something very immoral even talking about divorce... I feel this horrible pit in my stomach.