I found MB while looking for answers on how to feel about the affair my husband finally admitted after 2 years of my suspicions. Long story short, it went on for about 3.5 yrs. with my so called best friend. I saw the signs, questioned him...After he finally admitted it he said "Did you think I would admit thing when you asked me if I was having an affair?" That was after he finally admitted to everything. Geez..yah! So now he has contacted her to say WE will no longer have contact with her. Now my WS is saying he is depressed...how nice...I have been depressed for 3 years as he has been unemotionally available...BUT...now that he has been exposed HE IS DEPResSED. He saw a counsellor. He is an alcoholic. He also was sending flirty texts to a mutual friend..thought it was cute. SO,,,how do I deal with his F,ing depression...Perhaps it is w/drawal from his former wonderful secret life that he no longer enjoys...Well..i have been going thru hell for the last 3 years..and I am NOT going to go thru one minute more. He has BEGGED me to stay...I said I would but, SO MANY THINGS NEED TO CHANGE...LIKE JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING WE do together and say together and think together...been married 15 years, together 17 years...he is 71, me 64 in a few weeks. Any SUPPORT would be so appreciated...this is the hardest thing i have ever done. My first husband had an affair with my best friend and i threw him out immediately...we were in our 20s,,,i had a career,,,Now I am retired and financially dependent on the WS. Tho...i would rather live my TRUTH and take a huge hit in lifestyle than continue with this farce....I guess I HAVE TO SAY I AM SORRY ..CAUSE IT WAS ALL MY FAULT HE CHEATED AND EVERY DAY FOR NEARLY 4 YEARS HE COULD HAVE WOKEN UP AND SAID..THIS IS WRONG...AND ENDED IT..BUT HE DID NOT.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, and I am sorry for the reasons that you find yourself here.

Marriage Builders is all about executing a proven plan that restores marriages like your own to the best state they have ever been in. We are not about providing emotional support while leaving you stuck in the mud. Sometimes, people do not want solutions; they just want to blog. We need to know what you want. Are you interested in a romantic, wonderful marriage with your present spouse, are have you simply had it and just want out? You need to make this decision, because your course of action depends on it. You are right that this will be the hardest thing you have ever done. That is why you can not just keep crossing the fence.

So, tell us what you want to do and we will help you put the plan together.

Do you want to save the marriage? If not, just end it now.

But If you do want to save the marriage, there is a very specific plan to follow that would protect you and provide Just Compensation.



Can't we forgive and forget?

Thank you. I do want to try my best to turn this around and have a better marriage cause we have always had issues about communicating. He has never understood my need to be treated the way I need to be treated...not the way he thinks I s/b treated..This plan has the Love Busters vs. Love Inputs which is what I was always trying to get him to understand. I am willing to go with the whole program that is $1000 for the year as I DO NOT want to be his accountability coach as he dwells in his depression and doesn't take responsibility for things. Is there a way to know how effective this program is? I am impressed that there are 68k members here so I think it must be effective. Thank you for your consideration.

The program is effective when both spouses stick to the program without taking any shortcuts.

Your husband is going through withdrawal. Have a look here at what Dr. Harley has to say about the problem, read down to the bottom of the page to read about withdrawal: Information on withdrawal

thx. not sure how to start. d day was 27 Nov 15. WH gave up drinking and is going to counseling. now is depressed so i get he is in w/drawal. So..now what do i do? Just avoid talking about anything? wait til he recovers and then start the program? or start the program now? is he depressed due to no alcohol? he says he doesn't care about his BP.
i don't feel i should be comforting him after just learning the truth of a 3.5 yr affair.

Hi GMH, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The first steps he should be taking is affair proofing your marriage and following a plan of marriage recovery. If you sign up for the accountability program, they would assign you a coach and Dr. Harley would oversee the program. You wouldn't be holding him accountable. I would print off this list and start there this weekend. In the meantime, you would want to get the book Surviving an Affair. It explains the dynamics of an affair and the recovery plan.

We didn't all go through the MB coaching program; some used the materials and did it on their own. A couple can recover if they diligently implement the basic concepts on their own. MrEureka, for example, is in a fully recovered, romantic marriage and they did it without the coaching. My H and I were not successful on our own so we went through the program in 2007.


I am going to suggest that your main issues are a) his alcoholism, b) his affair and c) the fact that you have both fallen out of love. This program can resolve b and c. Sure, communication might be a problem, but it not the driving factor in your marriage.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Can you be more specific?

And would he sign up here and speak to us?

Don't underestimate the power of changing environment (moving). This can help remove affair triggers and make other addictions easier to overcome. I see a lot of people resist this step but it is so helpful.

not sure how this works. newbie here. i have had support from 2 members . can i reply to an individual or do i just reply and it gets posted on my "thread"...
i guess i would like to reply to the individual who responded to my post..not just a general reply...sorry, but could you please help me out with this. i have not been a blogger and i am over 12 so i have limited computer skills!! thx

MB doesn't allow PMs so you would reply here on your thread.

Is the OW (other woman) married?

Who all have you exposed his affair to? Do you have children?

The OW WAS my best friend. She and my WH carried on for 3.5 yrs. WH repeatedly denied my suspicions over the last 2 years. I have been unhappy and w/drawn during that time and felt I didn't know my husband any more. Having said that, our friendship has waned over this time period ..and I just felt I was keeping them together by maintaining contact with her...setting up their dates!!!!

At least now I know I wasn't crazy. The affair has not been exposed to anyone other than the OW. WH called her and said I knew and have blocked her contact to me and he wants to work on the marriage and she agreed to honor his request to not contact him any more.

I have confided only in my sister. All our friends are interconnected and we both have
homes in 2 countries in close proximity. The OW and WH are 71. I am 63. the OW's
husband is a good friend..they were our best friends... My WH and I decided not to tell
the OW's husband ( our mutual friend). If he asks me why his wife and i have had a falling out I have decided to tell him to ask his wife(OW). I am not going to be the one to tell him.

WH has 3 adult children and 6 grandchildren.

It sounds like we need to get started on the program as fast as we can. I am leaning towards the full deal for accountability as I will just get blamed for wanting things my way if I push WH to do his "homework". He is depressed right now and wasn't forthcoming with the counselling session he went to last week...his first one...So, after 3.5 yrs of an affair and 2 years of my suspicions being denied, I now am dealing with a depressed WH who took a month to spit out the details...I am still being left out in the dark. UNLESS I take the initiative to talk to him about things. He acts like I am the problem b/c I looked into things he was doing online. His whole life was secret...I don't feel like I want to be the "leader"..i feel I could use some compassion . I am sad..I don't want to be the FIXER.

GMH, all you do is click on the "quote" button at the bottom of the post to which you want to respond. Their post will appear in quotes and you can click below it and write your post.

And we don't blame you. Nobody feels like it, especially when under such circumstances, he should be comforting you! It is important to understand that a successful recovery involves doing things that don't feel right in the beginning. Feelings follow actions. That is why you need to follow a plan. You need something besides feelings to guide your actions.

The MB coaching program is an excellent investment when both spouses are not fully committed to follow the program. If you are both fully in, then you can do it with just the books. (Although to be honest, my wife and I got excellent guidance from Dr. Harley directly by being callers on the radio program. That helped a lot.) In your case, you are dealing with some heavy-weight secondary issues. You are going to need all the help you can get.

GMH, I know how you feel, but you need to be the "leader" in your self protection. You can't count on your H to do that. I would print up that check list, take it to him and tell him this is what needs to happen. That is a NON NEGOTIABLE list of precautions because anything less will be harmful to you.

Take that list to him TODAY and tell him this what you need from his right now. Talk to him about joining the MB program and get signed up. Ask him to sign up on the forum and post to us.

And why is he wasting time in "counseling" at a time that your marriage is falling apart? That is a distraction that takes valuable time away from the most critical issue: HIS DAMAGED MARRIAGE. HE can attend men's only AA meetings to address his alcoholism, but attending "counseling" is not helpful.

Print up this article click here and the checklist below and take it to him today. Please tell us which of these items he has done so far.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

]
You can't "fix" him, but it is UP TO YOU to set your boundaries and make them very clear to him. If you don't do that, then you are in for more of the same. You can't expect a selfish drunk to take the lead in protecting you. THAT IS YOUR JOB.

Give him your conditions and tell him this is what you expect.