i assume the exposure will kill any chance of us staying together soo....with that in mind
do i just tell him i want a divorce now and let him keep his dirty little secret.....that way he is happy and maintains his illusion of being a great upstanding guy.
.

Dr. Harley [not "Hartley"]

I only did a limited exposure of my serial cheating XH. Back at that time MB exposure was not emphasised the way it is now. However, it is my greatest regret that I did not expose far and wide even though I knew I could not continue to be married to him. Not doing so allowed him to spin his version of events leading to the divorce. Any subsequent attempt by me to give the true version of events would have been considered vindictive.

For example, after my mother died, my XH gate crashed the funeral and played the bereaved ex son in law. He would not have dared had he thought that people might tell him he was not welcome.

The most important of all are the spouse of the affair partner and children. With children exposure is life changing. Essential to tell the children that the behavior they are is seeing is not acceptable. If you do not spell this out, how will they know?

Then your exposure will not work. Limited, timid exposure does not work.

Your husband needs to see you have a zero tolerance for his secret second life. That any time he attempts it, you will tell the world all about it. You will ask everyone to keep both eyes on him.

He is counting on you to take all the responsibility upon yourself, to tire yourself. That will give him plenty of opportunity to sneak back to his secret second life once you are worn out with holding him accountable all by yourself.

Your husband doesn't want you to get any help with this. He doesn't want to consider how very unacceptable everyone will find this (it's perfectly acceptable when no one knows).

But more than anything he wants you to behave embarrassed, and ashamed, like you are the guilty one. (His classic line was telling you only to confide in a therapist as though you are ill. You do not need therapy, you need a lot of watchfulness and for him to QUIT it!) A lot of his fantasy rests upon blaming you, and treating you like an unreasonable wife.

If you are unashamed, brave, proactive in asking for help and have zero tolerance for his secret, for the hidden evil world he moves in,you will cure that mind set forever.

There is no other way. You either approve and condone his secret life or you expose it.

One way continues it, the other way ends it.

Your husbands reaction to exposure is a very important sign of how recovery will go. If he has any conscience left he will be very ashamed and embarrassed. If he has any of the right stuff in him he will start working towards a better reputation.

She asked herself, on the previous page, if she really wanted to save the marriage. Either "yes" or "no" is a reasonable answer to that. I believe Dr. Hartley would say the same. But from a 67-year-old woman to a 64-year-old, let me ask you to think about this: How do you want to spend the rest of your life? Maybe it's just those 3 extra years I have on you, but I would not have it in me to be the enforcer, the shepherd, the investigator, the one at fault (not true, but it's a hard label to live with)...and if you don't have it in you, either, it's not because there's something wrong with YOU!

tl

Time to fly?? I am not suggesting that you leave! Your plan will result in the death of your marriage because your H will not change by enabling him and sweeping this under the rug. The plan I am suggesting is designed to give you the best chance to SAVE your marriage.

Do you want to save your marriage?

The reason she is suggesting "flying" is because she is under the false impression that exposure will end her marriage when it is the opposite.

No one would fault her if she left the marriage, but she clearly stated she WANTED to save this marriage on the previous page; that is why she is here: Dr. Harley [not "Hartley"] would certainly want to help her if she chose to save the marriage and she has expressed her desire to save it.

This program does not require her to become an "enforcer, the shepherd, the investigator, the one at fault;" it offers a program that creates a great marriage if done together. If the WS does not get on board, then separation is advised. Within 3 weeks!

Even so, whether or not she decides to save it, the exposure steps are the same. The affair is still exposed.

Exposure has nothing to do with revenge. If you want to be married, you will need to follow the steps outlined previously. If you want to divorce him, then do so. But there still needs to be exposure of the infidelity, significantly to OWH and the adult children.

Why are you having such a problem in recognizing this? Were either of you married to other people when you met? Is this a 15 year affairage? Just asking....

only if he does. i do not want to continue unless he understands that this is a serious matter and just b/c he thinks he ended it a year ago but it didn't end..he thinks it is old news and should just go away. it was alive and well just a few weeks ago.

I only did a limited exposure of my serial cheating XH. Back at that time MB exposure was not emphasised the way it is now. However, it is my greatest regret that I did not expose far and wide even though I knew I could not continue to be married to him. Not doing so allowed him to spin his version of events leading to the divorce. Any subsequent attempt by me to give the true version of events would have been considered vindictive.

For example, after my mother died, my XH gate crashed the funeral and played the bereaved ex son in law. He would not have dared had he thought that people might tell him he was not welcome.

The most important of all are the spouse of the affair partner and children. With children exposure is life changing. Essential to tell the children that the behavior they are is seeing is not acceptable. If you do not spell this out, how will they know?

[i guess i don't want him to be embarrassed by exposing to his kids,,,..i am protecting him i guess. why,???

[
his daughters are married in their 30s with children. his son is in his 40s and is a serial cheater...he is having marital problems right now...are you talking children who live at home or older adults....what about his sisters who are in their 70s?

Like I told you earlier, we will only advocate that you even try *IF* and only *IF* he fully meets all the conditions in the checklist commits 100% to a program of recovery. We are not interested in marriage at all cost. If he won't do those things, then separation would be recommended. Just so you know, we don't advocate staying in a bad marriage just to be staying married.

However, about the only thing that will motivate him to try is exposure. Exposure motivates him to try among the many benefits.

[
Melody, i really appreciate your insight. He has done all of the items on the checklist except for the exposure. Is it appropriate for HIM the WH to write a letter to the OWH and to his children and email them telling them of the affair and his SSL.