Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2872185 12/09/15 07:56 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
H
hhhh Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
I've looked to no avail for this question. Not having found it, here it is. I'm pretty new to MB. I think seriously that my W and I would benefit greatly by doing home study course. But I don't have enthusiastic agreement yet. I have grudging agreement. She doesn't share her feelings well. I'm an optimist, she's a pessimist. Having gotten most of the way thru Love Busters I am encouraged and heart broken- encouraged to finally hear in ways I can understand what's wrong, and heart broken in that I see now all the things I've done over the years to get her into withdrawal.
One of them is independent behavior. How can I get enthusiastic agreement to do MB program when she's not on board and seems to think it's just another thing she needs to go along with?
Married 36 years, 3 adult kids. I'm the romantic who needs touch. She couldn't care less.
My plan at this point is to finish LB with her, actively stop doing them all, retake the LB questionnaires now that we know more. The first time she didn't even want to fill it out, so I asked questions and wrote things down.
Next will be to actively try meeting EN. She scoffs at the idea of spending 15 hours per week with me rather than HGTV and Pinterest.
My hope for years has been that someday she might like me as much as the dog.


FH, smart but clueless (aka engineer)
M 1979
3 adult kids B, G, B
DD living at home under mountain of student debt, not helping things...
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
In your situation I probably would try to get her in the full course, so you have the support of Dr Harley and a marriage coach. If you can persuade her to do that, they might be able to turn this around. I don't imagine she will EVER be "enthusiastic" about any marriage recovery, so I think that is an unrealistic expectation on your part.

Almost every couple who signs up for the online course has one reluctant spouse.

Quote:
Next will be to actively try meeting EN. She scoffs at the idea of spending 15 hours per week with me rather than HGTV and Pinterest.


This will be the key to turning the ship around. How are you proposing you spend your UA time?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
What are the main problems in the marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: hhhh
My plan at this point is to finish LB with her, actively stop doing them all, retake the LB questionnaires now that we know more. The first time she didn't even want to fill it out, so I asked questions and wrote things down. .


Eliminating lovebusters is a great first step!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
H
hhhh Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
I just lost a large reply because I changed pages in the middle, so I'm a bit frustrated.
I don't have a clue about how to start UA. Her electronic addiction is hard to penetrate. I have to ask when I can talk with her so as not to interrupt.
I'm hoping exposure to the program will melt her walls a bit so she'll see the need. Meanwhile concentrate on no LB.
Her highest EN 7/7 is financial support. She fears being on the street, despite my great pension I'm already collecting plus my full time job. So I don't think she'll ever agree to full program just because of cost. She may agree to home study.


FH, smart but clueless (aka engineer)
M 1979
3 adult kids B, G, B
DD living at home under mountain of student debt, not helping things...
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 17
O
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
O
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted By: hhhh
Her highest EN 7/7 is financial support.
She fears being on the street, despite my great pension I'm already collecting plus my full time job.

Does she work?

Do you have any grandchildren?

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
One thing to remember is that UA time is for fun dates, not heavy relationship talk. Make sure it's FUN!

The online program may be very helpful because your wife will get to see them hold you accountable for your behavior.

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Did she take the recreational activities inventory?

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
It would help if you copied this into a new post

Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
H
hhhh Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
W worked outside home until we had to move to Minnesota in 2010 because of my job loss. She works at home sewing heirloom items for sale on Etsy & through a local shop, but her stuff is so awesome she has to charge more than most people want to pay- $75 for a toddler outfit, with embroidery, smocking, french machine sewing, shadow work, all very detailed and beautiful.


FH, smart but clueless (aka engineer)
M 1979
3 adult kids B, G, B
DD living at home under mountain of student debt, not helping things...
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
H
hhhh Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
Originally Posted By: apples123
One thing to remember is that UA time is for fun dates, not heavy relationship talk. Make sure it's FUN!

That's new to me. I'll need to investigate more. If there are articles on this let me know.


FH, smart but clueless (aka engineer)
M 1979
3 adult kids B, G, B
DD living at home under mountain of student debt, not helping things...
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
H
hhhh Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
Originally Posted By: apples123
Did she take the recreational activities inventory?

No, that's one we haven't done yet.
Proceeding cautiously.


FH, smart but clueless (aka engineer)
M 1979
3 adult kids B, G, B
DD living at home under mountain of student debt, not helping things...
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
I recommend you start by reading the basic concepts. Then the article under this forum on the main forums page "how to make your own plan to resolve conflicts..."

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: hhhh
I just lost a large reply because I changed pages in the middle, so I'm a bit frustrated.
I don't have a clue about how to start UA. Her electronic addiction is hard to penetrate. I have to ask when I can talk with her so as not to interrupt.
I'm hoping exposure to the program will melt her walls a bit so she'll see the need. Meanwhile concentrate on no LB.
Her highest EN 7/7 is financial support. She fears being on the street, despite my great pension I'm already collecting plus my full time job. So I don't think she'll ever agree to full program just because of cost. She may agree to home study.


So what ways do you propose to spend this UA time? If it is out of the house on fun dates, you won't be competing with HGTV. You should ask her to commit to 4 4 hour dates a week that are entirely focused on the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Harley recommends sitting down on Sunday afternoon and scheduling out your dates. The reason is because time that is scheduled is usually not put off.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
All of your UA time should be scheduled out of the house. The reason is because there are too many distractions at home. Here is an article about it http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
You know, if you have a spouse that's not quite on board, and isn't motivated, you can always start implementing changes without her knowing. For example, Undivided Attention does not and should not be listed as UA. UA makes it sound like a chore. It should be a treat!

You can stop making withdraws and even start making deposits without deep discussions. You've been married for 36 years--You know a lot about her.

Give it a few months, and you'll be surprised at the changes in your marriage just by making changes to your own behavior.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Greengables
You know, if you have a spouse that's not quite on board, and isn't motivated, you can always start implementing changes without her knowing. For example, Undivided Attention does not and should not be listed as UA. UA makes it sound like a chore. It should be a treat!


I am not following you. Why wouldn't he call it undivided attention? UA isn't a "chore;" it is a series of fun dates out of the house. The couple sits down once a week and plans out their dates on their schedules. He has no reason to not present it that way. Unless she understands the policy, how else would he get her to agree to go out on 4 4 hour dates?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
H
hhhh Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
Originally Posted By: Greengables


Give it a few months, and you'll be surprised at the changes in your marriage just by making changes to your own behavior.


Thanks. That's part of my plan.


FH, smart but clueless (aka engineer)
M 1979
3 adult kids B, G, B
DD living at home under mountain of student debt, not helping things...
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
H
hhhh Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 9
And good luck and God bless on your upcoming day!


FH, smart but clueless (aka engineer)
M 1979
3 adult kids B, G, B
DD living at home under mountain of student debt, not helping things...
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
I understand the advice to not label the time you want to spend with her. If you have promised change in the past but did follow through, she will be skeptical of a program you propose. A part of persuading her to join you in MB will be showing changes, not just talking about them- what Greengables proposes. With this in mind, you must be careful not to be deceptive. Be open that you want to build a happy, romantic marriage. Dates are part of any great romance. You will need to take action to prove you mean what you say. Have you read the article about the 3 states in marriage - intimacy, conflict and withdrawal? You will need to make enough love bank deposits to bring her out of with drawal. What does she like- affection, conversations , financial support, etc? Start meeting these needs. The great thing is that the Love Bank has no real gate keeper, you can make deposits in her love bank by meeting her needs, even if sheis not really interested. So gett to work!

And don't underestimate grudging agreement ,if she is reading a book with you, she is more invested than you may think.

to eliminate Lovebusters. If you have behaved independently, stop.do not do anything without enthusiastic agreement.

What complaints has she made ? Work on those items

to meet emotional needs - UA time is how you make the most love bank deposits. This should be fun and engaging for both spouses. Im sure your wife enjoys more in life than hGTv and Pinterest. What activities has she enjoyed in the past? Is there a new restaurant she would like to go to? You have known this woman a long time, you can think up dates she would like. If she says no, make a new plan and ask again in a day or so. Would it help if you promise( and deliver) a fun date with noheavy conversation? A good starting tip is to go to a movie or something ( not really UA) then dinner ( UA) so you know you have something to talk about that is not the relationship. You know better than anyone what will work.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 27 guests, and 58 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MishellLarson, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,565
Members71,683
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5