If you want to avoid being accused of an an AO:

1. SHUT UP. Do not say a single thing to her.
2. Keep your face calm and serene -- do not make faces, roll eyes, look hurt, look upset, etc ...
3. Slowly, calmly, walk away. If you close doors, do so slowly and calmly. Do not make any sudden movements, which could be interpreted as anger.

If you really are not having angry outbursts, they won't be that difficult to stop. If she complains about AOs on your part, tell her calmly and matter-of-factly that you are committed to never having one again. Tell her you will protect her.

I hear you, but I am struggling... we are always together... so if she even finds me in a room by myself, she will get offended... why are you in this room? Why are you not with the family? When you are done with your tantrum come back and clean your crap off the table... I can sneak out, but she notices that I am missing and that offends her.

One of the things Dr Harley said occurred to me... "she does not see my pain and suffering, she only sees her own pain and suffering"... so to take that idea further, i think what may be going on is that she has no ability to see how hurtful her wayward behavior actually is.. so when I act "hurt"... it is offensive because she has no empathy for it. In normal circumstances one would not be offended if someone needed a moment to themselves etc.. but I do not have the "right" to my own feeling now because all she can experience is her own feelings. I need to do your suggestion... half listen or train myself to not react at all.

I think the divorce is the other love buster going on. I have not heard back from Dr. Harley, so I basically sent my attorney a note saying:

Although my wife is not cooperating with trying to rebuild our marriage, I am trying to win her back. Please request to the other side that we withdraw our respective potions for divorce. If they refuse please ask that we both agree to suspend our petition. Please be prepared to protect me by all means possible in the event that they refuse and push forward with this divorce.

OK.. here is a bit of an update.
I think I am making some progress with my reactions; I have handled a couple situations recently without emotional reaction and simply asking her how I can better help her solve her problem and make her happy... last night when I got home from work she actually apologized for some of her rude behavior earlier in the morning. I get about 1 apology every couple years from this woman, so that is a big deal.

I have done alot of work on the disrespect and reactions (AO's).. I can also see now with respect to spending 15 hours/week I was making demands and she clearly wouldn't do it.

As of last night, she actually sat down on the couch next to me which she usually doesn't do. She will not go out with me, but I do keep suggesting, and I am making some notes about movies she wants to see so when they come out I can ask her to go.

So.. the 1 on 1 time I do get with her is at night after the kids are in bed and she usually wants to watch TV. I think she likes having me there to watch with her and chat during the commercial.

The question is now, how can I best make use of this time to make love bank deposits? Her top emotional needs are
Family commitment, Open and Honesty, Intimate Conversation, Admiration, Affection. I think that the Family commitment one I am doing pretty well.

She has not mentioned the divorce again in the last week.

I just wanted to say WOW... I was reading the wifedivorcing thread, I am less than half way through, but my WW's script and her families is EXACTLY the same...it's as if our WWs are the same person.

The more wayward fog-babble you read; the more you know/expect the script; the less seriously you take the lovebusters and can remain calm and not lovebust back.

Did you notice how WD was able to hold himself above the lovebusting and model great behaviour because he had a plan?

You can't really make deposits when the A is in full flow. You can only really offer to, show an interest, and generally be a safe/appealing place for her to get her needs from when she is ready.

For example watching movies together is not really UA time, but it's a nice, enjoyable conflict free space in which a need for more time with you might grow from.

I think being a good listener and showing interest in movies she wants to see are all excellent starts.

If I were you I would just start doing things/ saying things that 'paint a picture' of a life with you. Houses in the area she wants to live, 'remember when; love to do that again' conversation. Showing you care about what she wants in life.

If you can stop lovebusting her these things will show a huge effect.

As WWs go she's pretty clingy. I thought she was trying to pen you in the room to abuse you but really I think she has quite a significant attachment to you, wnats to be assured of your commitment to her and the family and generally just wants a lot from you (and she asks in the wrong way).

I know you don't think so but she definitely has a significant need for FS, I would say. She made a special point of appreciating you as a provider in the early days and even with a low lovebank/affair she wants to be assured of your continuing ability to be there for her in some capacity. I think even if she were to ever want a job, she would want to know you are the one looking after the family financially in the main. I think it's particularly telling that she wants you to do the nitty gritty when it comes to paying the bills, but after consultation with her.

Keep in mind that wayward moods move with the wind. Unexpectedly.



Forgive me if I am forgetting but did she ever actually file or do anything about this for herself? Or is it just something she wants to talk about?

Most waywards like to talk divorce ENDLESSLY but the paperwork itself is too much effort (particularly since your wife doesn't like to pay bills). They tend to want the BS to do the paperwork while reassuring them of endless financial/family support and holding their hand.

If you yourself communicate divorce talk is heartbreaking and you won't do it, that's probably where it will end.

Ok, yes. She expects a lot from me and she makes it clear that if I do not do what she wants and the way she wants it, she will punish me.

The OM and her fimily are far away... so she needs me for the family comment, and even if she were to work full time she will still need my FS for the kids.



On the divorce, here is what happened... I sued her and her attorney counter sued me. I needed to file given that she left the state with the children. I have done the bulk of the legal work.

I also really think the affair is pretty much dead... but why would she give up all contact if she doesn't have to? She will have someone waiting in the wings when she needs him so there is no reason on Earth to give that up.

After she was struggling with the kids... I said "sorry the kids have given you so much trouble tonight" she said "yeah.. you have alot to be sorry about" I think she will not let love units get through possibly because she blames me for everything and I must be punished. Not doing something I want her to do (i.e. spend time together), is a great way to punish me.

She also says that "love is blind" so she has felt that she has made a horrible mistake being with me all these years because she was "in love".. she does not want to be in love with me because that would make her vulnerable to my horrible mis-treatment of her.. so she may be trying to protect herself.

It's hard to figure out exactly the reason why she is so guarded on one hand with her love bank, but also so attached to me on the other hand when it comes to doing things for her and the children.

I am looking for ways to "sneak in" love deposits.. strike up conversations and empathize with her in regard to the troubles she is facing in her day.

I assume that I should be doing this.. Should I buy her flowers? get her something nice for Christmas? or is that just a waited effort?

No make as many gestures as humanly possible. She will scowl, but you just have to have faith that those little pebbles are stacking up under the water into a land bridge. If you read some plan A threads, you will see how consistently this happens. It's why affairs happen actually: if someone makes consistent love bank deposits we are powerless to resist them.



She's right, we are willing to suffer when we are in love; as a plan Aer you know this too well.

It's an annoying fact of life, but people leave their love bank doors wide open to a loser affair partner, because they don't think it's ever possible they will ever effect them that much. Hence the common phenomenon of 'affairing down'.

With a spouse, withdrawn people are much more guarded. They know it is entirely possible to fall back into love and into the most painful part of conflict, to boot.

Not that it makes any difference, it just slows down the wooing process, it can't stop it.

Ok... so for plan A... I am thinking of the BIG effort on love busters.... I'm moving down the list to annoying habits and answering her honestly when she interrogates me about everything I do... then focusing on responding with kindness to her abuse. Then, I try to be around and listen when she might need someone to talk to. I buy her little things, coffee, a dinner out here and there. I was going to refrain from going wild on Christmas gifts for her.... but I was thinking of a family gift... something for the house that says we are a family and I'm not planning to go anywhere. I will have a couple days off after the new year.. and the kids will be in school, so I'll have a list of movies that she wants to see which are not rated for the kids and I'll say let's go. Movies and TV aren't good ways for UA... but, I think she feels safe with that buffer. Any other ideas?

My lawyer is trying to cancel the divorce... any idea what I should say or do when she pushes back?

I'd get her out to see the movie, but try and do it at a time she'll be hungry/want coffee and woopsie look - we just so happen to be walking/driving past your favourite place!

I don't think she'd agree to a formal date but she might just go for something like that. If you tempt her often enough she'll bite sometime.

Should I be wearing a wedding ring? She claims to have pawned hers. She says that I was mean and bought her a ring that she never liked. It was just a simple gold band with some small diamonds in it. I know it's an odd question but I don't know what to do knowing her ring is gone.

You are married. Yes.

Does she want a new one?

many weeks ago, she said that she would wear an old ring that she used to wear when we were engaged... some of the stones had fallen off though, so I took it to the jeweler and had the stones replaced... she said that she did not like the new stones, so I have been back to the jeweler sever times and they just don't seem to be able to do anything to make her happy... I have picked up ring after one more round of modification but have not given it to her in fear that she will just reject it again. I also got her a new "plain" wedding band but also have not given it to her.

My feeling now that she asked for divorce (about a week ago), there is no point in bringing up the ring discussion. I suppose that if I gave her the rings, it would simply be her choice to wear them or not wear them at this point.... I just highly doubt that she will.

Why can't she have a new ring she actually likes?

Off topic, but important...make sure you have rock solid EPs in place. You are very vulnerable right now.

I offered her whatever she wanted...even to come in and have her ring custom designed. She said she wanted the old one, but every time she just makes a reason why she is not happy with it.

If she would go to the jewelry store and pick out something she would want to wear no matter what the cost, it would make me the happiest man in the world.

For me, I am with her almost every free moment... I am very vulnerable... I hang out with male friends from church if I go out.