Make sure you avoid woman at work as well. That listening ear by the coffee pot or even just pleasant work lunch can cause great harm.

Her lawyer is wanting to talk division of property. I think I'm in a legal mess right now because of our deadline coming up for a divorce trial in just weeks. Not much has been prepared for it (I have sued and she has countersued) I'm panicking now wondering how to get out of this thing.

Quit panicking!!!

You already requested your lawyer to see about suspending or delaying the current divorce hearing.

That's all that you can do, except for to contact Him and see if he has followed through with the opposing attorney or not and check on that status.

Nothing you panic or worry about will change that, Period.

You are an emotional basket case, which is understandable under the circumstances, especially regarding her previously taking the children out of state from you.

BUT..... There us Nothing that panicking can do about the situation. Be content that you are doint everything that you can do and keep on improving.

One point I would like to make as an observat, is the manner that you have consistently described your Wife throughout this entire thread is Full of Lovebusters, anx whether you agree and admit it or not, even if you do not tell her these things you have said here, your silent body language and demeanor must shine through to her and she probably picks up on that.

You should try to embrace the positive aspects only about her, so that your contacts with her remain upbeat and leave her feeling positive about how you truly feel about her.

LTL

Just instruct your lawyer to delay.

I am instructing my lawyer to delay.. but she is saying "your wife wants divorce so you have to do it.. she needs to also agree"

My WW has done such terrible things avoiding all love busters has been hard. I have bitten my tongue so many times, but of course some slips out.

I am feeling that if I am forced into a divorce negotiation now, things are going to get ugly because my WW can be so unreasonable.. Hence I am panicking. I need more time and the stress of this divorce on top of everything else with plan A almost becomes unbearable.

So why can't she and her attorney propose a settlement? You don't ha e to push forward. Why should you do the work for them?

Dr. Harley did mention you could continue to Plan A after the divorce so don't panic. If your attorney is pushing you, remind her she works for you.

What happens if you get to January and the division of property is not completed? Has your attorney addressed this?

I agree, but I'm afraid of getting into a big fight over the divorce which we will not be able to recover from.

I would rather have a separation or something like that where we can both agree on something versus the drag out fight we are going to have.

My wife has negligible income and is not entitled to alimony.. so for her to be on her own in a couple months just doesn't work unless she gets me to agree to support her which I won't do.. .it then gets ugly. Her next move is to fight for the children in effort to get child support which would really be supporting her... and I don't want to give up the children... although I would agree to shared custody.

She told me that she intends to stay home with the children after divorce which is completely unrealistic.

You can see how this turns into a mess quickly.

So so so not a problem.

You are a plan Aer. Which means you don't fight. Which means no fight. She can fight all she likes. Waywards di that dontcha know.

As for cooperation with a separation, I wouldn't. It's not really plan A to prop up the idea that you're a pal who doesn't love them will she return to the 'sorry I lost you' guy or the 'it's no big deal' guy.

In a divorce you can safeguard the cash, and prevent her spending it before any recovery happens.

Or you could just ask her to give you a few months before pushing ahead to deal with your heartbreak first. She s in no hurry to do paperwork.

Can you get some ADs? Most people need them. You need a level head, not a reactive one.

You react to her too much instead of sticking to your own plan.

"Yes dear, you are a wonderful mother. Would you like some tea? You are so pretty today." Then go and have some pie.

If it's not on paper, it's not real. Even then it's just paper!

OK... I am probably over-reacting. I am scared to death of going to court unprepared and losing the children and much more. I need to be on control of the situation to keep the house for the kids and that sort of thing (because the money for our house came from me per-marriage) but If I don't fight, they'll just split it 50/50. I think that probably, this will ultimately get delayed.. but I need to stay out of the fight for plan A to work... my lawyer is asking me to go back and negotiate with my WW to cancel the divorce but I know that any discussion about it now will not end up well. I need to focus on plan A.

I do really panic mostly because she has done crazy things so far with respect to taking the kids away and she has high expectations for financial support if we divorce. How can I protect myself and plan A at the same time.

Also, in this state.. If another year goes by and she decides to sue me for divorce, she will be able to seek alimony for a certain number of years.. up to 5 I think. If she divorces me now instead of then.. in a way, she is doing me a big favor.. on the other hand, I am pretty confident that i can get really good at plan A given enough time.. it just takes me time to get used to all the put-downs and constant hurt but stay cheerful and fun at the same time. It's not easy... it's really hard infact, but I am getting better every day. My recovery time gets shorter every time.

You need a lawyer who understands conflict divorce and doesn't expect you to do his job and negotiate terms at home.

Tell your lawyer what to do, not vice versa. He is to delay as much as possible and he is to get you as much as possible if it comes to a D.

You are not to discuss anything with your wife and if she raises it just say you'd love to fire your lawyer and recover instead of a divorce. Just say you can't discuss the divorce because it's too heartbreaing. Let the lawyers explain the reality of divorce to her (if she can be bothered picking up the phone). Let them be the bad guys.

An important part of plan A is to let reality hit them hard - but it comes from external sources like exposure or lawyers or conflict in the A.

Even though you have caused these things, her unconscious love bank only associates your direct words and actions with you.

OK.. I know what to do. With the divorce pending, I need to step up and have a flawless plan A.

Today, she wants to take the kids to a work christmas party without me. My inclination is to simply say that "I would prefer something that we could do together, but if not, the kids have asked me to take them shopping (for you) so I'd rather do that with them. You, of course are free to do whatever you want"

My entire support structure wants me to be divorced. My councilor wants me to be divorced. This forum is the only place I am getting any support to try to save this marriage.

Any help on the right "plan A" thing to say about this event today would be appreciated.

Last night, there was a dentist bill for about $45 that she opened and she started screaming because they did not send enough detail. I said " you are too beautiful and nice to be worried about bills, just leave it on my desk and I will take care of it" she just continued on her outburst... not much else I could do.

She brought up the divorce this morning. I told her that I see no where we can meet in the middle, I told my lawyer to cancel it... if she didn't, it was not my fault. I told her I am simply not going forward. If she wants to sue me and write up the proposals, then that his her perogative.

I gave her a hug. She tried to say to me "don't you deserve better than me... a nice Texas girl with big boobs... you know that you can do better than what I am giving you".... it was hard to argue with her because she has been a horrible wife for the last year. I just said no... let's just go get ready for the parade and have a great weekend.

Sounds good

I came to work with her... I was going to do some shopping while she went to the party... I have not seen her so mad in a while. Something definitely wrong here. She mentioned that she told everyone here we were getting divorced so that could be it...in that I'd ruin the victim treatment she is getting, or, it could be that she does not want me meeting the women here... but she is really mad. I'm going to hand around and see what happens.

OK...nothing happened... I just consider it more wayward outbursts. I think she is on edge today because I won't make this divorce easy on her. Her fuse is about 1mm long. She asked me to take the kids and not come home..

OK.. sorry I have asked this question before on plan A... but I'm really trying to do a good plan A but my WS is now totally taking advantage of me. I gave her all the money she asked for at the beginning of the month and now she is asking me to buy her gas, groceries, everything. She asks me come along whenever she needs something bought for her (clothes, gifts, you name it), the car filled up, or she doesn't want to cook so I take her out to dinner but otherwise she tries not to include me. What do I do now? I need to avoid fights at all cost, but I'm totally being taken advantage of. I basically taking money from my retirement account to pay for all she is asking for. Any idea how I can stay in plan A?

I bought a new truck last year and she decided to just take it from me and doesn't let me drive it. Her car hasn't been driven in about 8 months and she makes me pay the insurance and registration on it as well. The truck needs some repairs and she is riding me to get it done ASAP. Again, I'm feeling totally taken advantage of. Basically, all I asked her was to park in the driveway for a couple days instead of the garage while there was a small fluid leak. She said "what kind of man makes a woman park on the driveway?, fix it NOW!"

It getting quite blatant how manipulative this is getting. She did read one of Dr Harley's books so she is aware of plan A.

I dont know where either one of you got the idea that plan a looked like that.

Plan A doesn't involve handing over all your cash on demand, you decide in advance how much money (or anything) you want to use to 'prime the pump' and stick to it. A wayward will run through funds like a scythe through wheat. Besides it's unattractive to respond like a doormat. You don't behave in the way the wayward bids, you behauve in a way a REASONABLE spouse would want. That does leave some requests refused.

The emotional need for FS involves long term financial planning and security too, it does not mean handing everything over for a spending spree right now.





You are a grown man!

I read on another thread you are beginning to hate her. If you can't stop this capitulation and resentment you will end up fighting with her. Plus, by the time you've won her you won't want her.

Can you work an assertive plan A so there's less to resent and you don't hate her?

Or do you need plan b to protect your own love bank?

If you are considering plan b I'd email Dr H about it.