Oh I changed them when I kicked him out. I just forget to lock the doors when I am home. I know that sounds odd, but in my neck of the woods,that is the norm. I just need to be more diligent.

If he really wanted to tell me that, with a little effort he could run I to me and do it. I am taking steps to avoid him in town, but if he tried he could find me.

I am sure after he is back and a few days go by, I will be fine. I just took a long hot shower with a long prayer and feel stronger.

If I run into him somehow and he says what I fear, that is out of my control. I can only control my reaction which will be graceful and not hysterical.

No matter what it is just another step on a path leading to a better place -a recovered marriage or a new life. I just need to work on me and not worry about what I don't control. Easier said than done but a good goal.

Oh, good. I was worried he had access. Do something fun tomorrow!

Well, the hits just keep coming!

I was reading our company emais last night and saw an email from some I did not recognize. It was a note from a guy saying how nice it was to meet WH and "your significant other last week".

I guess I knew he was with POSOW but to have it confirmed was very hard. AnD for them to be out and about - he is still married to me. What a @#%&(/#@^%%.

Is it even worth the pain for fighting for my marriage? Is there any chance we can recover or should I file for D and move on?

Print and save that email.

Ugggh. Following MB will give you the best fighting chance to save your marriage.

But if you decide you do not want to save it, you are not obligated to try. He broke his vows to you. You owe him nothing.

Given this:

I would do some soul searching. You know his redeeming qualities, and what the magic was like with him when you both were in love.

No one can make that decision for you but I would say if you're fighting for your marriage, make sure it's because you really want him, not because you feel obligated to based on principle because, again, he broke the vows.

Also, on a totally unrelated, random note: Fun Fact. I hear there is a glut of men in relation to women in Alaska.

Well, I think that is true. But, our saying is "the odds are good but the goods are odd". Most the ladies I know believe in finding husbands outside Ak. But ya never know, right.

I do not really know what I want anymore. He has hurt me so bad. I can remeber how great it was and how in love we were. But if he is not willing to change our work on us, what is the point of me trying. I also have to remeber the bad, don't I? Frankly, I do not know if I can ever trust or believe him.

What if I keep trying and he does not. How do I move on and keep trying?

I think I will be better once I can move someplace without all the memories and triggers. I should be able o think more clearly.

My work situation has been hard for awhile but I thought he wanted to stay here and I wanted to be married, so I stayed. Not liking my job, I suspect, only makes this harder.

Thanks again for everything. If anyone has thoughts, ideas, suggestions or feedback, I am all ears.

I did. I understand AK is a no fault state and the assets are simply divided equatibly. I will keep the email. I also have pictures of the original text messages I found on his phone. Never know how it might help.

I am doing a better. Got some good counsel. Nothing has really changed except I know he is still with POSOW instead of just suspecting. I am in Plan B already, I just stay as is. I don't have to do anything else, expect work on me and moving.

I think it was harder to see that email the night before he returned to town. That was hard all around.

Having drinks with some girl firends tomorrow or friday. Leaving to see family in the lower 48 Tuesday and gone for about 12 days. That should help as well.

Now, if my stomach will calm down so I can eat, I will be good.

Well things can turn on a dime.

Got a message from my IM early yesterday. WH came to see her and said he loves me and will do whatever I want /need make our marriage work. He said A is overe for good (his choice). He showed some texts from POSOW and IM she beleived he ended it as OW is not taking his decision well. Bottom line, he wanted to talk to me.

Not sure I did right, but I meet him yesterday. I just need to look in his eyes to see if I think he is being true.

He said he is in love with me, knows what he did was wrong, said multiple times ( with tears) how sorry he was for how badly he treated me. He said he wants to grow old with me. That while he was gone he made this decision but has known in his heart his behavior was wrong. He will go anywhere with me, gave me all passwords and handed me his phone. He also said he wants our marriage to be better than when we first got married and that he wants to be my husband and make me happy.

I can't look at the phone or anything else yet, I am not strong enough to see anything from or about POSOW.

I will say he seemed like the guy I used to know. I know this sounds odd, but the look in his eye seemed different. Or, maybe I just want that to be the case. This is like a lighting bolt out of a clear blue sky.

I just listened mostly yesterday. Trying to process. He did say we could write a break-up letter to POSOW and I can send it. That is the only thing I really asked, my mind was spinning.

So, what do I do now?

Thank you!

I would take it very slow. first off, he will need to CHANGE his phone # so the OW can't reach him EVER. He should give you his phone to keep and he can get another one. If she calls him the affair will be on again and you cannot take that chance. If she is going to be coming there every summer, I would get moved out of that state before summer. You and he have to remove any opportunity for future contact, because I guarantee you it will all start up again unless you take extraordinary precautions.


REAL IMPORTANT ---------> I would let him know that "growing old" with him is not what you want. What you want and need is a romantic, passionate relationship. You can have all this if you will follow this program for recovery. If he won't do these things, then you can look forward to a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage and your resentment will grow and thrive with each passing year. And he will have more affairs. Trust me on this. You can recover your marriage and have a fantastic, happy marriage or you go through years of hell if you don't follow the basic concepts.

Another few things:

1. he needs to tell you everything about his affair. When was the last time he saw her? He should answer each and every question you have, holding nothing back. Once he has satisfied your questions, it should not be brought up again

2. here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Got it, my checklist.

He called to see if he could come by for coffee. We agreed he will change his number on Monday. For now, we have switched phones. He left me his computer (he purchased this on his trip).

He agreed to the template letter. Working on that.

He agreed to answer any question I had. I promised that we would only do that one time and then not discuss again so we can move forward. I told him that I am not quite ready for that conversation and want time to think about my questions. I want to find out what I need to get beyond it but not so much my head fills with a picture I can't shake.

He agreed to the rest of the list. All bank statements ad credit card bills come to me, even his personal ones. I will pull his credit again to be sure I am not missing something.

I will put that software on his phone so I can see everything he keys. I also want to hide a VAR in his truck. Is it wrong not to tell him? I worry if he knows, he will just work around the technology.

He wants to do something together this afternoon. I already have dinner plans with a girlfriend tonight and am not changing that.

He wants to go out on a date Monday and wants to take me to the airport for my trip.

I made moving from here non-negoiatable-I am moving and he agreed to move with me.

I talked about recovering our marraige and that takes 100% effort from both of us. I spoke in general ideas what the MB program does and he was glad I did not want to go to a counselor and seemed to like what he heard about MB.

I was thinking we just take is slow and spend time together until I leave. Then be sure we still feel this way and start on the recovery path after the new year. Is that ok?

Great!!


Do not EVER tell him about any spy resources. NEVER.





It sounds like he is fully willing to do everything you ask so I don't see any reason to wait. ARe you hesitant to have him move back now and start working on recovery?

Also put spyware on his computer while you have it.

Get the GPS. Don't tell him he agreed to transparency but he does not need to know your methods.

Note: I've become disappointed with AT&It's Family maps so I have order a US Fleet PT class tracker. Go ahead and put the cell service tracker on today so You know he is doing what he said but plan to get something more accurate.

AAlso, why isn't he going wiith you on this trip? He should be monitored.

Thanks for all the feedback!

Got it- don't tell him.

ML- my concern is avoiding overnight seperation. Can't cancel on my mom now. And what if I do and the he backs out again.

BH- great idea on the spyware, currently installing.

Apples- will get the GPS on today while I find something better. He is not going because I did not ask him. This was planned while in was I Plan B. Back in Sept we were planning to visit our families (they live close to each other) together. The he told me hid did not want me to go with hime and things went down hill from there. So, I decided to visit my family's for Christmas. I could ask him but, he has worked lined up and after everything we have been through latley, not sure how my families would behave toward him.

Thank you all again ,very helpful and I think I am starting to feel more positive about our outcome.

noone, what I would suggest is that you cancel your Christmas plans and stay there and fix your marriage. You should be living together. Your marriage has to come first.

OR, have him come with you. I would address it like this:

"if we are going to do this, then the last thing I want to do is spend my Christmas alone for the first time in XXX years. Lets do this right and figure out a way to spend Christmas together. I want to start this off on the right foot."

Your are right.

I think I will invite him. We could visit his family as a couple, he visited alone on Thanksgiving.

I will do it tonight.

I am so glad you all are here. I would not have a shot at this without you!

He can also apologize to your family for hurting you and tell them what he plans to do to make this up to them. Christmas would be the perfect time!