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Originally Posted by Winning11
I'm also asking for prayers to be honest. The situation looks impossible but I know God is working in this somehow.

That is why he sent you here. Unfortunately, you are not taking the advice.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This has gone on for months. The time for Plan A has passed. You need to Plan B. If you would like help with your letter, post it here. You should also see an attorney because you need good legal advice.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
Ive mentioned that the affair is already exposed and out there. Everyone important knows. They no longer work together. Maybe I'm not seeing the next steps here b/c who else is there to expose to? Im currently in the midst of a somewhat of 180 and prepping for Plan A. I want my husband back. I want our marriage, obviously.
Did you ever investigate wether he told you the truth? Because what you call exposure, was telling his story to friends and relatives. Did you verify his story? If not, it is probably full of lies and omissions. Waywards have no idea what truth is.

As ML writes, her side hasn't been exposed to. Her parents don't know about the disappointing behaviour of their daughter. Parents can be very powerful allies on your side. Exposure on her side will speed up things. You will recover sooner if you expose on her side.

Have you established NC? Do you believe there is no contact because your liar husband told you? It is likely they are in contact, because of the addictive nature of an affair. It only takes a second of weakness to contact an affair partner. As long as they are in contact, your marriage doesn't stand a chance.

There's a big difference between 180 and MB. The MB program is designed to minimize your suffering. If you follow it to the letter, it is dummy-proof. Plan A is different for man and for women, because women cannot take the abuse for as long as men can take it.

180 doesn't minimize your suffering. It alows you to be in an abusive situation for a lenghth of time, and causes you a lot of suffering. If the affair eventully dies a natural death, you not only have to overcome the affair, but also the damage done during 180. Your chances of recovery will be significant smaller if you do 180.

If your marriage has a fighting chance, you will find out sooner when following MB, opposed to just waiting during 180. When you mix 180 with MB, I'm afraid you will do plan Doormat. That never saved any marriage.

You are in an emotional rollercoaster. These times, thinking logical is difficult because of the intense emotions and immense hurt. The beauty of MB is that you don't have to think about your own plan, but you get the best plan available. It is not designed to save a bad marriage at all cost. It is designed to save you from the immense suffering caused by the affair. It also gives you the best chance to improve your marriage, as soon as the affair is over and your spouse is willing to recover the marriage.

MB is not just a nice theory (like 180), MB was built on scientific research and translated to a dummy proof step by step plan, simple enough for everyone to follow.

MB really is the answer to your prayers.

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I have established NC but he reaches out from time to time about financials and asks how I'm doing. I've searched around and haven't seen any success tories to come out of exposing the A to her family, especially since everyone already knows. If anything, I've seen this propel the wayward to move even quicker toward D. I've called off all advances and am doing my own thing but seeing little reward in randomly contact OWs family and being the crazy woman telling them about what their family member has done. She will deny it. She's not even from this country, her family lives overseas. I've done the doormat thing, now I've just given it to the Man upstairs. I don't want to rush him into something if there is any chance at all that he is reconsidering. Dr. H said I should just wait for the A to die a natural death since it's already exposed. His A was an excuse to not work on the issues in our marriage. I want to show him that we can work on these issues but he is just checked out.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
I have established NC but he reaches out from time to time about financials and asks how I'm doing. I've searched around and haven't seen any success tories to come out of exposing the A to her family, especially since everyone already knows. If anything, I've seen this propel the wayward to move even quicker toward D.

All of our success stories on this forum attribute it to exposure. If you have read Dr. Harley's works, you would know that he calls exposure the "most important first step towards recovery."

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I've called off all advances and am doing my own thing but seeing little reward in randomly contact OWs family and being the crazy woman telling them about what their family member has done.

That is because you don't know what you are doing. You are lecturing people who have saved their marriages using these tactics. Just think on that. What would you say if a fat person lectured skinny people on weight loss methods? Wouldn't that be ridiculous? Your track record so far is a big fat ZERO. The methods we are giving you are from Dr. Bill Harley, who has saved thousands of marriages using these tactics. Do you think you know more than him?

We know what Dr Harley's advice would be because he saved our marriages using these tactics. He would tell you to a) do a complete exposure and b) to go into Plan B.

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. I want to show him that we can work on these issues but he is just checked out.

Once again, you have no earthly idea what you are doing. Why don't you test your Plan Winning11 right now? Call him up right now and say "I want to show you we can work on these issues. I know you are checked out."

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I've done the doormat thing, now I've just given it to the Man upstairs.

No you have not. He sent you here to get help and you are stubbornly refusing it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

Keeping the secret from her family and friends only serves to enable the affair. Why in the world would you want to do that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Which day were you on the show?

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Melody, I really appreciate everything you're saying. I don't mean to come off as lecturing. I'm just very hurt and at a loss. Like I said, I spoke with Dr. Harley and he said to allow the A to die a natural death - that's all I can do at this point. I have no plan at all right now but to physically move from my apt. The other thing is that the affair is not the main issue here, its the issues my H has been having with me that propelled him. I'm not condoning his actions and the terrible decisions he chose to make, I'm just saying that his A is a symptom if the larger issues at hand. Doesn't Plan B push the WS further away and help me move one? And I don't want to give up on us.

How would you recommend I go about approaching her family/friends?

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I was not on the show, I had a private session.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
I've searched around and haven't seen any success tories to come out of exposing the A to her family, especially since everyone already knows. If anything, I've seen this propel the wayward to move even quicker toward D.

I have been on this forum every day for 15 years and this is false. What propels the WS to divorce is the AFFAIR. As such, protecting and enabling the affair is more likely to lead to divorce. Exposure, while not a guarantee, is the most likely thing to ruin the affair the fastest. Your H keeps his affair a big secret for a good reason: it THRIVES on secrecy and cannot survive the light of day. Why do you think he tells you it is over?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Winning11
Melody, I really appreciate everything you're saying. I don't mean to come off as lecturing. I'm just very hurt and at a loss. Like I said, I spoke with Dr. Harley and he said to allow the A to die a natural death - that's all I can do at this point. I have no plan at all right now but to physically move from my apt. The other thing is that the affair is not the main issue here, its the issues my H has been having with me that propelled him. I'm not condoning his actions and the terrible decisions he chose to make, I'm just saying that his A is a symptom if the larger issues at hand. Doesn't Plan B push the WS further away and help me move one? And I don't want to give up on us.

How would you recommend I go about approaching her family/friends?

WE cannot help you if you refuse to listen to the advice. I view this as hopeless if you continue to ignore the advice we give here. Dr. Harley is not aware that you did not completely expose the affair. You told it was exposed but when we questioned you, that was not entirely accurate. There are huge gaps in your exposure, making it very ineffective.

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I'm not condoning his actions and the terrible decisions he chose to make, I'm just saying that his A is a symptom if the larger issues at hand. Doesn't Plan B push the WS further away and help me move one? And I don't want to give up on us.

This tells me you do not understand the dynamics of an affair and have no clue what you are dealing with. Your marriage broke up over the affair. There is no bigger problem than that because you do not have a marriage unless and until you bust up this affair. When the Titanic was sinking was there a "bigger issue" than the boat sinking? That is what you are trying to tell me. Your H has told you about these "issues" to throw you off balance so you won't focus on the real CAUSE: his affair.

And more importantly, none of those other "issues" can ever be resolved unless the affair is killed. This is why it is so critical that you do everything in your power to bust it up.

IT is irrational to say that "Plan B" will push him farther away when he is already long gone. The AFFAIR has pushed him away. And by hanging around making yourself available, you only harm your mental health and make yourself look less attractive to him. Dr Harley recommends Plan B after 3 weeks because:

1. Plan A does not work for women - it makes them less attractive
2. it causes mental health issues such as nervous breakdowns
3. it causes serious health issues
4. even if the marriage does reconcile, the woman suffers post traumatic stress disorder'

But I am certain that Dr Harley told you this, didn't he?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Winning11
I was not on the show, I had a private session.

With Steve Harley or Dr. Harley?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Winning11
How would you recommend I go about approaching her family/friends?

The best way to approach them is via her facebook page by sending a private message to them. Does she have a facebook page?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Not ignoring, I'm trying to drill down and assess this possible plan. And yes, Dr. Harley explained why the timeframe of Plan A stands in regards to health. Although exposed to our family/friends, he still can continue to say what he wants about it and skew the picture to work in his favor. Yes, we are actually "friends" on FB from along time ago.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
Not ignoring, I'm trying to drill down and assess this possible plan. And yes, Dr. Harley explained why the timeframe of Plan A stands in regards to health. Although exposed to our family/friends, he still can continue to say what he wants about it and skew the picture to work in his favor.

BUT, if you have shared the facts he won't be successful in that regard. Sure, you will always have the occasional enabler fool, that is to be expected. But exposing the facts to his family and friends typically prevents them from believing his fogged out "story." Its a lot like a falling down drunk blaming his poor state on his spouse. Most rational people don't accept that justification.

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Yes, we are actually "friends" on FB from along time ago.

Is there a reason why you would protect her at your expense? Especially since you claim to be a Christian. I feel like there is something you are not telling me. Most women are not this meek around a mistress. You are "friends" with the woman who wrecked your marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Have you ever had an affair? Did your marriage start as an affair? Were you and your H swingers? I just feel like there is a backstory you are not telling.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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His family has spoken to him nonstop about it and he continues to dodge everyone. They have stated how disappointed they are and that he needs to go back home. He will not listen. I think thats why he attempted to come home a few weeks ago, b/c he felt extreme guilt and shame. But something prevented him from sticking to his word. He knows he is wrong and seems to not care. He knows all of this.

I am by no means protecting her. We are "friends" on FB bc I knew her before all of this went down as H's coworker and nothing more. I used to have conversations with her when I went to visit my H at work however, she is obviously not a friend of mine. I've never had an affair, our marriage did not begin as an affair and we are not swingers. I am reacting this way b/c I don't want to push him further to D. I have nothing to hide or lie about. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes so please do not attack my faith.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
His family has spoken to him nonstop about it and he continues to dodge everyone. They have stated how disappointed they are and that he needs to go back home. He will not listen. I think thats why he attempted to come home a few weeks ago, b/c he felt extreme guilt and shame. But something prevented him from sticking to his word. He knows he is wrong and seems to not care. He knows all of this.

The "something" is a powerful addiction. It is much like an alcohol or narcotics addiction. This is why he is impossible to reason with. He is not using any reason because he is high on the fog of his addiction.

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I am by no means protecting her. We are "friends" on FB bc I knew her before all of this went down as H's coworker and nothing more. I used to have conversations with her when I went to visit my H at work however, she is obviously not a friend of mine. I've never had an affair, our marriage did not begin as an affair and we are not swingers. I am reacting this way b/c I don't want to push him further to D. I have nothing to hide or lie about. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes so please do not attack my faith.

I am not attacking your faith. I am trying very hard to understand your motivations because we don't typically see such a high degree of enabling from a woman. His affair is what will push you to divorce. THAT, and your keeping his affair a secret. Your best chance comes at doing everything you can to bust up this affair, because sitting back being quiet will not work.

By exposing the affair to her side of the fence, you will cause conflict in the affair. They are hopeful that they can pretend that your marriage is long over and they are starting a new relationship. In actuality, he left his marriage to pursue his affair. There will be enablers, sure, but there will be people who will come out against the OW and your H. That will prevent him from EVER integrating himself into many circles of her family.

Your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure, it CAN'T survive an ongoing affair.

If I were you, I would do a nuclear exposure and then go completely DARK in an air-tight Plan B in a couple of weeks. OR, another method Dr Harley has recommended is going into a dark Plan B and THEN exposing.

Plan B has a very strange effect on waywards. In almost every instance, when the BS goes completely dark, the WS goes CRAZY to get through to her. [and I mean waywards who had moved out and not been in touch for some time] I think the reason is because as long as the wayward has full access to the BS, he feels in control and likes having her around as an option. When he loses that control, he gets very upset. A recent example of this is the poster bellachaos. I have been helping her intermediaries and almost every day her WS comes up with a NEW PLOY about how can get access to his wife. IT is downright hilarious. He finally resorted to just walking into her house a couple of weeks ago.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Winning11
His family has spoken to him nonstop about it and he continues to dodge everyone.

Would his mother call up this skank and tell her she will never darken her doorstep? I would do that if I were your MIL..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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The poster, noone773, had a similar situation in Plan B. Her H kept just barging in on her when she was in Plan B. He tried a few times to get back with her by getting her to relax her conditions and she stood her ground and said no. He called her up before Christmas and agreed to all her conditions. They reconciled and spent Christmas together.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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