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Originally Posted by Winning11
Again, I did in fact speak with Dr. Bill Harley, and not Steve. Not understanding why you don't get that. I told him that the A is exposed b/c I thought it was. As I mentioned when I first started, everyone knows. He didn't ask me if her family knows. He asked me if it was exposed, and to my knowledge it was.

Ok, so this is where the gap lies and that is what we are trying to help you with. We want you to have the best chance at reconciliation. What do you mean when you say "to my knowledge it was?" Do you mean to say that you felt like you had completed the job so you said yes? I just want to make sure I understand because you said some other things that concern me. You said his family believes his denials. Did YOU tell them the truth about the affair or did he spin the story to them? How did that play out?

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My mother would call the OW but its not in my MIL's personality to do that.

Do you think your MIL would if you asked?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Winning11
Bindsighted2013, I just glanced at your thread. Were you guys at any point separated? Did your H ever mention D and seem steadfast in his resolve?

Your situation is EXACTLY like hers so stop trying to find insignificant differences. The point is that exposure helps EVERY situation. EVen though the adulterers wear different color clothes, work at different places and drive different cars, the method of recovery is the same.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Winning11
That joke makes sense, and makes me think.

Another note, my H is a conflict avoider and this will just send him off with a poor taste in his mouth about me. I want to save any chance we have of R in the future.

You are the conflict avoider from what I have seen here; one of the worst I have ever seen. Your H already has a bad taste in his mouth about you because you are in competition with the OW.

So, if you are serious about saving your marriage, you need to grow some balls and kill the affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Winning11
That joke makes sense, and makes me think.

Another note, my H is a conflict avoider and this will just send him off with a poor taste in his mouth about me. I want to save any chance we have of R in the future.

What you don't understand is that while you might know your husband, you don't know waywards. WE DO. Your husband is not there.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Prisca, call it a stroke of luck, and this is the last time I'm going to say this, I had a direct conversation with Dr. Harley. I emailed my story to the radio show w/ Joyce and Dr. Harley but preferred to share off-air. For some reason, he was unable to address my story on-air that day but I was able to speak with him anyway. I got very lucky, so choose to believe what you want.

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It is important to have the facts right, it is not a personal attact if someone asks for more details. Thank you for clarifying.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
Prisca, call it a stroke of luck, and this is the last time I'm going to say this, I had a direct conversation with Dr. Harley. I emailed my story to the radio show w/ Joyce and Dr. Harley but preferred to share off-air. For some reason, he was unable to address my story on-air that day but I was able to speak with him anyway. I got very lucky, so choose to believe what you want.

I was merely trying to help you understand why some might be confused as to who you spoke to. It's important information for them to have, and a very common misunderstanding.

You have provided information in this post (for the first time) which cleared up the confusion. It could have been cleared up a lot quicker if you had provided it sooner instead of getting defensive.

I see a lot of defensiveness and rudeness in your thread, which isn't going to help you much. Snapping at those who are trying to help really isn't that wise of a thing to do.

Best wishes to you.


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Originally Posted by Winning11
Bindsighted2013, I just glanced at your thread. Were you guys at any point separated? Did your H ever mention D and seem steadfast in his resolve?
Winning, yes my H mentioned D whenever I would not comply with his gas lighting efforts. You see, while in the addiction, they NEED to shut us up, and the threat of divorce shuts us up, doesn't it?

Once I learned (through Marriage Builders material and this forum) to STOP AVOIDING CONFLICT, he never again mentioned D. He didn't want divorce all along, he just wanted to shut me up so that he could keep playing in the mud.

This conversation is for after you have exposed and killed the affair, because until the affair is DEAD, you could be Marilyn Monroe and meet him naked at the door each day, and it will.not.affect.him.

Right now what you CAN do is fight the biggest fight you're capable of. Yes pray first, but pray for the strength to do what you need to do to FIGHT for your marriage. Pray for God to give you the strength to do a genuine exposure. ASK for everyone's help in ending the affair. ASK your MIL (and your mother also) to call your husband and set him straight.

As much as I have had trouble with my own MIL being one of those "don't stir the pot" type of people, even SHE called my husband and told him that his skank would never darken a doorstep in HER house. And then she asked him what was he thinking, hehehe, I had showed MIL a horrible photo of the OW, and my MIL told my husband that the OW was ugly and an insult to her as his mother. rotflmao

You simply will not know who will be the biggest support for your marriage until you expose and ask for help.


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OlderWiser, the beginning of your story sounds very similar to mine. I don't know you ages but that may be playing a factor here as H tells me, "We're young, I'm faithful you can heal and find someone else to give you what you need." I've been told it could be an early MLC (even though I know thats not really a thing here). Oddly enough, my MIL gave us this site when this all first transpired. I've been reading up on the concepts, even talked about them earlier in our false recovery with H. I've only recently began combing through threads b/c I am so, I don't even know. At first, these threads kept me from being an emotional lump at night and on the weekends, and during the days, but at the advice I've been seeing here, I'm beginning to read others' stories.

I've spoken to trusted family members about this and everyone tells me not to expose to OW's people b/c then I'll be the crazy stalker. I'm not ready to walk away from H and WH is killing me slowly. On a daily basis, I battle with trying to remember H as right now I only know his evil twin. I miss H terribly. Family/friends also think he has lost his mind and have been with me on this since Day 1. But they're energies are exhausted, everyone's energies are. And H just lives in the little hole in the wall he carved out with all of his little toys, far removed from anything meaningful in his life. He avoids all talk about this with our family.

The fact that you mentioned my defensiveness and rudeness is one of my H's complaints about me. And its crazy that you gathered that without even knowing me, I apologize. That actually adds to why I'm afraid - b/c I'm working on a lot of the very things H couldn't stand and he will just tack this onto the list, "crazy b-ch." Again not condoning his behaviors but, I am totally not perfect and have made many mistakes. I've beaten myself up a lot around all of this and I'm not ashamed to admit I failed. But I'm willing to work on it for myself and for H and for our M.

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Did you have an affair, beat him, ignore complaints?<---WOULD THAT JUSTIFY AN AFFAIR? Notice how YOU haven't had an affair despite his wicked cruelty?

Basically everyone is rude and defensive when they show up here.

I'm glad you posted because this man has done a number on you. Telling the truth does NOT make you a crazy B. How many marriages have these friends and family saved-zero?

When Dr. Harley recommend exposure on the radio, he refersthem to Melodylane's Exposure 101 thread because that is what he means by exposure.

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He left you a list of beat-down complaints to get you to shut up and take the blame. So far, you have played his game. Please get off the crazy train, Tell the TRUTH (exposure) and start Plan B.

And read Ephesians 5 while you are at it.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
I've spoken to trusted family members about this and everyone tells me not to expose to OW's people b/c then I'll be the crazy stalker.
Why do you care what OW's people think of you? And more importantly, why do your trusted family members care what OW's people think of you?

I bet that MelodyLane is getting ready to say something right now (if she hasn't already because it takes me too long to type lol)....here is what Melody told me a long while ago: "It's not their ox getting gored...it's YOURS".


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Everyone will tell you not to expose, except for people who know MB.

Your trusted family and friends have no experience battling affairs. This forum has helped kill many affairs.

The MB plan is a wonderful dummy proof plan. If you study it well, you will find out for yourself. I read a lot and discovered all of it is backed by scientific research. I hate to do things that don't make sense to me. Everything about the MB plan makes sense.

It took me a while to realize that. I hope I can convince you to trust MB and take the advice given on this forum. You can study and reach the same conclusion I did, but it will cost time. It would be best for your situation to save this time and trust the forum to help you.

The moderators see to it that only MB principles are referenced. This is not just any place with random advice, it is a relative safe place online where you get the best advice, based on Dr. Harleys principles.

You are in good hands.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
OlderWiser, the beginning of your story sounds very similar to mine. I don't know you ages but that may be playing a factor here as H tells me, "We're young, I'm faithful you can heal and find someone else to give you what you need." I've been told it could be an early MLC (even though I know thats not really a thing here). Oddly enough, my MIL gave us this site when this all first transpired. I've been reading up on the concepts, even talked about them earlier in our false recovery with H. I've only recently began combing through threads b/c I am so, I don't even know. At first, these threads kept me from being an emotional lump at night and on the weekends, and during the days, but at the advice I've been seeing here, I'm beginning to read others' stories.

I've spoken to trusted family members about this and everyone tells me not to expose to OW's people b/c then I'll be the crazy stalker. I'm not ready to walk away from H and WH is killing me slowly. On a daily basis, I battle with trying to remember H as right now I only know his evil twin. I miss H terribly. Family/friends also think he has lost his mind and have been with me on this since Day 1. But they're energies are exhausted, everyone's energies are. And H just lives in the little hole in the wall he carved out with all of his little toys, far removed from anything meaningful in his life. He avoids all talk about this with our family.

The fact that you mentioned my defensiveness and rudeness is one of my H's complaints about me. And its crazy that you gathered that without even knowing me, I apologize. That actually adds to why I'm afraid - b/c I'm working on a lot of the very things H couldn't stand and he will just tack this onto the list, "crazy b-ch." Again not condoning his behaviors but, I am totally not perfect and have made many mistakes. I've beaten myself up a lot around all of this and I'm not ashamed to admit I failed. But I'm willing to work on it for myself and for H and for our M.

So, are you here to get to work and save your marriage? Or are you here to blog some more? If it is the latter, I will be moving on.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Winning:

I just want to say two more things:
First - STOP listening to the family members who don't know the first thing about saving your marriage. Yes, they hurt for you, and want you to stop hurting, too, so they are telling you the things the *world* would say. My own father was very upset at my WH leaving the way he did....he gave me the money to defend myself in the divorce. TRUST ME! THAT was a big deal (my dad doesn't part with his money for anything). I only say that to say it was a great big deal when I accepted, but told him that I wanted him to know - before he did it - that I was working to put my marriage back together - even tho my WH wanted the divorce (just so he wouldn't be too upset when after the divorce we might end up back together again - which we did). He was confused, but did it anyhow, and then had to tell me years later that I was right! (He didn't understand MB, then or now).

Second point - Once you've exposed the A, and gone dark is the time to work on YOU. That is YOUR time! Not to worry about what WH is doing....but to study all the concepts on here, find out what your LB'ers were and fix YOU. Determine what you can do to become a better wife for the future. It is a good way to spend your time and energy, and keeps you from getting too blue or despondent over what you don't know is happening! My own WH was gone....I mean G-O-N-E. We talked only three times in three years! I had NO idea what he was doing, were they married yet (once our divorce was finalized), was he really happy, yadda, yadda.

Listen: IT DOESN'T MATTER! What will matter during Plan B is strengthening YOU and getting healthy. Mind, soul, body and spirit.

Please utilize the concepts on this site as suggested. It is your best source for wholeness in your future. Lots of prayers for you!

God Bless,


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I was there. It's painful. It's hard.
But it's totally doable and worth it.
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I'm here to save my marriage. I came here for support. And the affair has already been exposed. Just having a hard time with the exposing to her family thing. Think it will only strengthen his resolve. Just looking for support while and coaching as I've been advised to let it die a natural death.

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Originally Posted by Winning11
I'm here to save my marriage. I came here for support. And the affair has already been exposed. Just having a hard time with the exposing to her family thing. Think it will only strengthen his resolve. Just looking for support while and coaching as I've been advised to let it die a natural death.

Exposing to her family is part of letting it die a natural death. The two do not exclude each other.


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Originally Posted by Winning11
I'm here to save my marriage. I came here for support. And the affair has already been exposed. Just having a hard time with the exposing to her family thing. Think it will only strengthen his resolve. Just looking for support while and coaching as I've been advised to let it die a natural death.

You let it die a natural death AFTER exposure. That has not been completed. We can support you in finishing the exposure and going into Plan B if you decide you want to save your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Support with how to react/not to react to things. As I look around on here, I see a lot different approaches. Does Plan Bing on its own do anything besides help me move on? Another thought is how does Plan B help if that's exactly what the WH wants?

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Originally Posted by Winning11
Support with how to react/not to react to things. As I look around on here, I see a lot different approaches. Does Plan Bing on its own do anything besides help me move on? Another thought is how does Plan B help if that's exactly what the WH wants?

The approach that we use would be the Marriage Builders program. That approach is exposure followed by Plan B. We don't deviate from that.

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Another thought is how does Plan B help if that's exactly what the WH wants?


Our concern is not what your wayward husband wants, but what you NEED.

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Does Plan Bing on its own do anything besides help me move on?

Yes, first off, it prevents you from looking desperate and needy, which is very unattractive to men. Hanging around as his option makes it less likely he will come back to you. Secondly, it protects your mental health. Many women have nervous breakdowns in this situation so Dr Harley recommends Plan B in 3 weeks.

Harley says to give it 2 years before you "move on."

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But many don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad.

The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS.

The problem with a continuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.

So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. "


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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