Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 27 of 30 1 2 25 26 27 28 29 30
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
We don't recommend Plan A forever. The bar does raise on the way out of withdrawal. ( my H would tell you the bar is about to Neptune here.) part of the problems yall are facing are because the bar was too low before. There will be a day when she needs to carry her end of things. But give it your best shot and follow the plan.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by AnyWife
I also would not assume that a reluctance to buy these items had anything to do with finding female body functions shameful.

Right, in negotiation you don't state why somebody feels the way they do, because that's disrespectful. You just accept at face value that your spouse is reluctant about your proposal, and move on to look for something they are enthusiastic about instead.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
here is my plan A.. doesn't seem to be working so I've posted it for criticism / feedback

ll get you started:

TM's Plan A:
1) Become proficient at meeting WW's 3 most important ENs:
a. Family Commitment... home for dinner every night, time with children every night until they go to bed. Family activities every weekend. Allow wife to give the discipline, but just support her.
b. Conversation... greet wife every day when returning home. being available to talk after kids are in bed. Eye contact. validation.. nods, repeating, etc.. empathizing with her even if issues are trivial.
c. Open and honest... allowing her to go through my phone, disclosing where I go and what I do. Revealing my events of the day etc...
d. Admiration.. at least one or more compliments each day; leaving notes in the morning

2) Become proficient at controlling my 3 most common LBs:
a. Disrespect.. no name calling, no "you" statements, no always/never
b. AO's.. no yelling, time outs, deep breaths, no door slamming
c. Demands.. no complaining about house being clean, taking two cars to church
3) Remove these top 3 stressors that I can control (not the affair)
a. Getting exercise, sleep, and treating allergies
b. ____________
c. ____________

4) Take up these 2 healthy activities that I have wanted to but have never had the time/energy/permission to:
a. Teaching Religious Education____________
b. ____________

Offering time for UA, Dates, Dinners out with kids 1x/week

Once these goals have been populated, we can brainstorm HOW to achieve them.

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by AnyWife
I also would not assume that a reluctance to buy these items had anything to do with finding female body functions shameful.

Right, in negotiation you don't state why somebody feels the way they do, because that's disrespectful. You just accept at face value that your spouse is reluctant about your proposal, and move on to look for something they are enthusiastic about instead.

I figured out what the problem really was..
Yes, it's slightly embarrassing for me, but not too bad.
After a long hard day of work, I have to stand in this aisle.. look at every box; pads, liners, tampons, different brands, different size boxes, high flow, medium, light etc.. and hope that I am picking the right one. It's not easy for a guy to figure all that out especially when he is under alot of stress. I am standing there for a while.. missing dinner at home with my kids. Stopping at the GS is a pain it itself when you have 10 random things to get scattered all over the store and you don't know where anything is. If she had gone herself, she would have found that box in 1/2 second. When we had a sex life, I knew her cycles like clockwork and now there has been nothing in almost a year and I have been 100% faithful to her.

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
You can see my previous post about plan A.. trying to be home more; more time with the kids; family commitment.

last night, i was working after the kids were in bed ~10PM or so. My WW came and asked why I was working.. then she want on to say that the old me would be at the office and now I am just lazy for working at home and I just want to get fired. I used to be a hard worker. The reality is, I worked a long day, I worked all weekend, I came home and cleaned the house, spent time with the kids, put them to bed, then started working again.

I am starting to look for somewhere else to move to and planning my plan B. (by the way, there were some open houses in the neighborhood and she seemed to get really concerned that I would look at them which is really ironic given that she wants to divorce me) As I imagine myself in plan B, I seem to be looking forward to it. Over the last several days, I have worked alot, seen the kids and gone to bed and had little contact with my WW. The less I contact her, the happier I become and the less motivated I am to make any contact with her. Any advice on how to deal with this "spiral" I am in... out of plan A?

I have been thinking about how illogical this divorce is that she is pushing given that she sits at home with no real job and is making zero preparations to be on her own. Meanwhile, on plan A, she is being treated pretty well at home... at least well enough that she should be in no rush to leave. The only positive for her with the divorce is that it would give her more freedom... Freedom for what? The affair. Thats the only thing I can think of that could be going on. I have no evidence, but the only explanation that I can come up with as to why I am having such a difficult time is that this affair is alive and well. I have no other evidence... she guards her phone... she is moving money into a private account that I cannot see. Is there any other way to find out if that is it?
Do I need to find out given there is nothing I can do about it?

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
she guards her phone... she is moving money into a private account that I cannot see. Is there any other way to find out if that is it?

So, yes she is still having contact with someone that is inappropriate at the least, and she is building her "war chest" with the funds you provide her.

You never fund a wayward, you are enabling her. You stop paying for the affair phone.
You can do things differently with your finances, and i am sure your lawyer would advise the same.

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
Should I put money directly into our joint accout... of course she can still clear that out, or give her nothing, and just say sorry... you need groceries, let's go shopping together?

I was thinking of having my lawyer send her a letter stating why she is no longer getting money so it does not have to come from me.

Last edited by typicalman; 01/05/16 08:11 AM.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Stop putting money in the account. Move your finances to a different bank.

Do you need to explain it?

Also, make sure your lawyer gets the info on that account as a part of the divorce discovery. You are entitled to your share. (i really hate thieves). Pull her credit report too. You may be able to request debts obtained since divorce proceedings started be considered solely hers.

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Stock the fridge and pantry. If she needs more, she can pull it from her stash. Or you could give her a present. 😷

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by apples123
Stock the fridge and pantry. If she needs more, she can pull it from her stash. Or you could give her a present. 😷


Yes,, I was thinking that. She has her own part time job too... This is what is really bazaar... She wants to divorce ASAP, but she cannot even buy food for herself? It makes no sense.

In my lovely state (Gob bless Texas), she cannot get spousal support given that we are married less than 10 years. If she were to hold out one more year, she might be able to claim spousal support.. this again, from her perspective, it makes no logical sense to divorce me now.

Nothing seems to add up... except this affair waiting in the wings. The OM cannot provide FS for her either.

didn't know what this means "&#128567"

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
laugh

Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
Originally Posted by typicalman
Yes,, I was thinking that. She has her own part time job too... This is what is really bazaar... She wants to divorce ASAP, but she cannot even buy food for herself? It makes no sense.

In my lovely state (Gob bless Texas), she cannot get spousal support given that we are married less than 10 years. If she were to hold out one more year, she might be able to claim spousal support.. this again, from her perspective, it makes no logical sense to divorce me now.

Nothing seems to add up... except this affair waiting in the wings. The OM cannot provide FS for her either.

didn't know what this means "&#128567"

Nothing about affairs make sense... I am still scratching my head at the things my wife has done/said in the midst of her affair. All a huge lie... dontknow


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
Yes, my ww has turned her into a habitual liar...

There is a alternative explanation to her keeping her phone secret... she knows that I will use her phone against her.. eg I found texts proving that she was drinking with the kids in the car.

With the money, given that she is pushing for divorce, it makes sense that she would try to stockpile whatever she can... by taking it, she is really only hurting herself because taking money meant to buy food for the kids simply cannot make her look good.

The divorce itself is what does not make sence. She seems to have no plans to move out or have me stop supporting her, but at least with a divorce.. she could then be free to go as she pleases and have sex with the OM while I still meet her other EN's. I'm thinking that this is the most likely scenereo. Given that I exposed the affair, she would still keep that relationship underground... no plans to move in with him... just friends with benefits. It's probably why a TV show about divorced women running around with other men is so appealing to her now.

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
Nothing and I repeat NOTHING is logical about an adulterous affair. The brain of a wayward appears to get rewired, they become liars, thiefs, cheaters, etc. Their moral compass becomes twisted.
The wayward will remain in this state until they withdraw and/or the FOG is lifted. Some will remain in that state, as it becomes their new normal.

There is nothing to gain by trying to understand their craziness. You will only drive yourself nuts, because they are no longer in their "right" mind.



Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 251
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by NebDane
Nothing and I repeat NOTHING is logical about an adulterous affair. The brain of a wayward appears to get rewired, they become liars, thiefs, cheaters, etc. Their moral compass becomes twisted.
The wayward will remain in this state until they withdraw and/or the FOG is lifted. Some will remain in that state, as it becomes their new normal.

There is nothing to gain by trying to understand their craziness. You will only drive yourself nuts, because they are no longer in their "right" mind.

I can say the same think about my WW, nothing makes since at all.
It's sad to think thy could stay in that state of mind as a new normal.



BH 34
D-Day- 6/2015
Married 4 years
DD 11 and 4
DS 1
Plan A+Exposure

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Ron_C
Originally Posted by NebDane
Nothing and I repeat NOTHING is logical about an adulterous affair. The brain of a wayward appears to get rewired, they become liars, thiefs, cheaters, etc. Their moral compass becomes twisted.
The wayward will remain in this state until they withdraw and/or the FOG is lifted. Some will remain in that state, as it becomes their new normal.

There is nothing to gain by trying to understand their craziness. You will only drive yourself nuts, because they are no longer in their "right" mind.

I can say the same think about my WW, nothing makes since at all.
It's sad to think thy could stay in that state of mind as a new normal.

I thought that eventually, they come out of it.. but the affair has to die a natural death right?

Is it possible that exposure has pushed the affair underground so that it remains a fantasy? My exposure had to be effective because she was MAD!!! (words cannot describe how mad she was), but, what she was able to do with alot of her close family/friends was make the "old time friend" claim, so he is just not going to go away completely.. she managed to keep him around and see him periodically.. after all, he is just a friend, right?

I would assume that the FOG lasts a long time when the OP is still lingering around and long distance on top of it. I would still think that at some point this becomes more trouble than it is worth and the FOG lifts?????

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 251
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by typicalman
Originally Posted by Ron_C
Originally Posted by NebDane
Nothing and I repeat NOTHING is logical about an adulterous affair. The brain of a wayward appears to get rewired, they become liars, thiefs, cheaters, etc. Their moral compass becomes twisted.
The wayward will remain in this state until they withdraw and/or the FOG is lifted. Some will remain in that state, as it becomes their new normal.

There is nothing to gain by trying to understand their craziness. You will only drive yourself nuts, because they are no longer in their "right" mind.

I can say the same think about my WW, nothing makes since at all.
It's sad to think thy could stay in that state of mind as a new normal.

I thought that eventually, they come out of it.. but the affair has to die a natural death right?

Is it possible that exposure has pushed the affair underground so that it remains a fantasy? My exposure had to be effective because she was MAD!!! (words cannot describe how mad she was), but, what she was able to do with alot of her close family/friends was make the "old time friend" claim, so he is just not going to go away completely.. she managed to keep him around and see him periodically.. after all, he is just a friend, right?

I would assume that the FOG lasts a long time when the OP is still lingering around and long distance on top of it. I would still think that at some point this becomes more trouble than it is worth and the FOG lifts?????

Well here is my situation, exposure killed my WW affair. But as soon as it dies she got on dating sites and started up affairs with Co worker's and guy at the place she volunteers at and went on a bunch of dates and know she got she is seeing exclusively.
She is still in the fog, and is anger I have a lawer and she things I am stealing her kids.

Go figure, but I think a big part of it is what Doc Harley talking about. That it's a mind set if this relationship is not working so it's time to move on and find one that does, then I found the right relationship. So pretty much a renter.



BH 34
D-Day- 6/2015
Married 4 years
DD 11 and 4
DS 1
Plan A+Exposure

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Ron_C
Originally Posted by typicalman
Originally Posted by Ron_C
Originally Posted by NebDane
Nothing and I repeat NOTHING is logical about an adulterous affair. The brain of a wayward appears to get rewired, they become liars, thiefs, cheaters, etc. Their moral compass becomes twisted.
The wayward will remain in this state until they withdraw and/or the FOG is lifted. Some will remain in that state, as it becomes their new normal.

There is nothing to gain by trying to understand their craziness. You will only drive yourself nuts, because they are no longer in their "right" mind.

I can say the same think about my WW, nothing makes since at all.
It's sad to think thy could stay in that state of mind as a new normal.

I thought that eventually, they come out of it.. but the affair has to die a natural death right?

Is it possible that exposure has pushed the affair underground so that it remains a fantasy? My exposure had to be effective because she was MAD!!! (words cannot describe how mad she was), but, what she was able to do with alot of her close family/friends was make the "old time friend" claim, so he is just not going to go away completely.. she managed to keep him around and see him periodically.. after all, he is just a friend, right?

I would assume that the FOG lasts a long time when the OP is still lingering around and long distance on top of it. I would still think that at some point this becomes more trouble than it is worth and the FOG lifts?????

Well here is my situation, exposure killed my WW affair. But as soon as it dies she got on dating sites and started up affairs with Co worker's and guy at the place she volunteers at and went on a bunch of dates and know she got she is seeing exclusively.
She is still in the fog, and is anger I have a lawer and she things I am stealing her kids.

Go figure, but I think a big part of it is what Doc Harley talking about. That it's a mind set if this relationship is not working so it's time to move on and find one that does, then I found the right relationship. So pretty much a renter.


hmmm... yes, I definitely identify with the renter idea. I also keep remembering that Dr Harley said that when you let your emotions lead your life, you are destined for a life of Chaos... and it really sounds like these women are just letting emotions guide them blindly. Dr Harley's program is about doing the opposite of your instincts because you understand the logic of it. Plan A is completely opposite of what your instincts tell you to do.

Dr Harley talks about Romantic love and it' s the right way to have a marriage because it is the glue that can hold you together. Marriage vows on the other hand are a promise to love the other person until death. To me that means doing the opposite of your instincts.. that is making the choice to love and the commitment of a marriage vow. The whole point of the marriage vow is that if the feeling of romantic love is lost, you don't simply get walking papers.. you follow a program like Dr Harley's to fix the problem and restore that love. I would suppose that is a buyer... you fix the house, you don't just walk away. I am amazed that the wedding vow is so meaningless to people.

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
I was in my office with my son and we were talking about designs for his sacramental candle that we are making. He was a little frustrated that something came out of the printer the wrong way, but he was not not yelling at all... just frustrated. She walks in and starts saying whats wrong? what is "being done to you in here?" he said "nothing". I went to the next room and told her that what she was saying was hurtful and inappropriate. She said, "so, you are abusing the children?" I said this is ridiculous, inappropriate, and hurtful, the way you are talking. I said something like... have a cup of coffee sweetie, it seems you are not having the best morning. She says that is inappropriate that I call her "sweetie".

To me.. this is beyond WW crazy, this is mental hospital crazy. She had stopped the child abuse stuff for a while, so I was OK continuing plan A.. but now I am feeling I need to get the kids out of there again. Am I over-reacting?

I have a realtor showing me some houses at the end of the week. I was thinking of sitting down with her tonight to sketch up a child visitation schedule... then as soon as I find something suitable, we close, and I'm out.. Once in a safe place, I will send her the plan B letter.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by typicalman
To me.. this is beyond WW crazy, this is mental hospital crazy.

No, it isn't.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Page 27 of 30 1 2 25 26 27 28 29 30

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 109 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
purple17, cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux
71,729 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,547
Posts2,322,775
Members71,730
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5