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Originally Posted by typicalman
I was thinking of sitting down with her tonight to sketch up a child visitation schedule...

You don't make Plan B preparations with your spouse.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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typicalman, you have shown an inability to commit to Plan A -- you continue the lovebusters. Finalize your Plan B preparations (without consulting your wife) and move on.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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She is trying to set you up for child abuse claim or a RO. Protect yourself with that VAR. You can never argue with her at this point, so don't. It is a lovebuster anyway.

You calling her out on her behavior toward you was correct.
Your response about a cup of coffee was almost right, but then you put in the judgement.

In this case she is very aware of exactly what she is doing and why.
As stated above, NEVER, EVER negotiate with a wayward about anything. A wayward will break the agreement in 2 sec.

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You have no idea what mental hospital level of dysfunction is. I suggest you remove the word "crazy" from vocabulary.

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Originally Posted by Prisca
typicalman, you have shown an inability to commit to Plan A -- you continue the lovebusters. Finalize your Plan B preparations (without consulting your wife) and move on.

What was the love buster? I tried to just tell her how it was making me feel... what she was saying. No demands, no judgement (I judged the action.. it was inappropriate for me and hurt me) but not her. I brought her a cup of coffee.. If that is a love buster, I am at a loss.

I have posted my plan A.. I do think I have done as much as I can for as long as I can.. but given the child abuse stuff, i think that is the point where " I can't take it anymore" I won't let my plan A attempts hurt the children.

It's clear that this affair is going on.. she is divorcing me anyway.. I can't stop that.

It is time to take care of me a bit here so I am not too broken and beaten down for my kids... so, yes this seems to be the clear time for plan B.

I was going to propose a 50/50 visitation schedule with the kids... if she can agree to it, I send it to the attorney and they draft it up.. that seems to be the best way. I'll meet my attorney today so see if it's possible to get that done behind the scenes.

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you are right.. I've been in a mental ward (through a job I had when I was young) and I know someone who recently stayed in one. It's not that kind of crazy... and to tell the truth, we run into people who say all kinds of outrageous things at work and in the public all the time, but we don't know them, we don't know all the context and what is in character or out of character for them. We are not married to these people ... and for someone I am married to and I know so well to wake us an accuse me of child abuse while we are designing a cross to put in a candle just seems over the top outrageous to me. She ultimately said, Ok, if you didn't abuse him, at least admit that you rigged the printer so that it would malfunction and frustrate our son on purpose. It's so over the top preposterous... I am beyond words to describe what it is other than crazy.. it just comes out of no where. It's like someone saying bazaar things completely out of context that make no sense. Am I describing well enough what is going on here?

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Are you Documenting the facts surrounding these incidences?

Read the; "Document, Document, Document" thread in the Notable Posts subforum section and follow that precisely.

Leave emotions out of the Documentation and stick strictly to the facts.

Also, using a VAR Anytime you speak with her is sound advice.

LTL

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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I had my VOR's turned off because she had been good for at least a month. I was thinking that an added benefit to solving a visitation schedule now is that maybe she will stop doing this. She knows that I want full custody... so thus may be self defense for her... thus, if I sign 50% custody, my hope is that she will back down and chill out.

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Originally Posted by typicalman
I had my VOR's turned off because she had been good for at least a month. I was thinking that an added benefit to solving a visitation schedule now is that maybe she will stop doing this. She knows that I want full custody... so thus may be self defense for her... thus, if I sign 50% custody, my hope is that she will back down and chill out.

That is neither Plan A nor Plan B. Don't play games. Just go to Plan B.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by typicalman
I had my VOR's turned off because she had been good for at least a month. I was thinking that an added benefit to solving a visitation schedule now is that maybe she will stop doing this. She knows that I want full custody... so thus may be self defense for her... thus, if I sign 50% custody, my hope is that she will back down and chill out.

That is neither Plan A nor Plan B. Don't play games. Just go to Plan B.

I am planning for it... two things I need #1 a house and #2 agreed visitation schedule. I cannot walk out on the kids without a signed / agreed visitation schedule. Then, I am out... and I will send her the plan B letter.

This is going to take 1 or 2 months at least.

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OK... I know this post is going to get a reaction.. "so what".. I am finding out more an more lies that she tells me... an example; we discussed getting Christmas cards... I gave her money to get them and send them out. we talked about it every few days... did you get the Christmas cards? did you send them out? She said she finally got them and they are all sent out.

We'll, now that I am talking to people, I am finding out one at a time that they did not get a card from us.

OK, big deal.. she lied, right...?

I understand WS's lie... but she is lying about things that she KNOWS I will find out about. Who does that? People lie in hopes they won't get caught... not when they know they will get caught. I have found many lies like this. I this normal?

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You don't need a visitation schedule agreed-upon before you go into Plan B. You can just follow the statutes for your state or province and go through your IM for visitation changes.

I wouldn't be giving my WS money to send out Christmas cards. I would either send out my own cards or just not give her the extra money. More than likely, she used the money to fund her affair.


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Originally Posted by BlairBluefin
You don't need a visitation schedule agreed-upon before you go into Plan B. You can just follow the statutes for your state or province and go through your IM for visitation changes.

I wouldn't be giving my WS money to send out Christmas cards. I would either send out my own cards or just not give her the extra money. More than likely, she used the money to fund her affair.

After exposure, she hid the kids from me. I had to file for divorce and get visitation orders just to see them. She only agreed to those orders through the summer (the kids came back to live with me) she thought she would get them back for the school year.. but when the judge said no (and it's funny, the last thing the judge asked was if the kids had been with the OM... she waffled) she decided to move back home and thus we have had no visitation agreement.

The amount of $/ Christmas card was not alot; she knew I would find out; So why would she risk me cutting her off altogether over a lie like that?

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Again, waywards don't care about commitments, or money, or who they hurt, or especially their spouse.

Stop trying to understand it, she is a liar, cheat, thief, a morally busted person, very similar to a drug addict.
She won't change until the FOG lifts or affair is over. I guarantee there are going to be more things you find out about, you can't change them or understand them.

STOP FUNDING HER AFFAIR.

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Yesterday... I asked her out to the movies Friday. She looked at me like I was a space alien. She did not say no and I assume she'll take some time to figure out an excuse not to go before then, but at least I asked.. and I could tell it got the gears in her mind churning and she seemed very confused and taken off guard. Any advice on how to further entice her to go? I was going to print the movies and showtimes so perhaps something catches her eye that she wants to see.

This morning, she asked me to go buy some new barstools for the kitchen and paint them today... my plan for the day is to go look at other houses and I have the Realtor and appointments lined up (she doesn't know that). This just shows (I think) she really doesn't comprehend what divorce means and hasn't thought this through. I'm getting hope that plan B & divorce will be quite an eye opening experience for her.

(I know this sounds weird.. I've been working so many days straight & over the holidays, so I just took two days off)

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Originally Posted by typicalman
Yesterday... I asked her out to the movies Friday. She looked at me like I was a space alien. She did not say no and I assume she'll take some time to figure out an excuse not to go before then, but at least I asked.. and I could tell it got the gears in her mind churning and she seemed very confused and taken off guard. Any advice on how to further entice her to go? I was going to print the movies and showtimes so perhaps something catches her eye that she wants to see.

This morning, she asked me to go buy some new barstools for the kitchen and paint them today... my plan for the day is to go look at other houses and I have the Realtor and appointments lined up (she doesn't know that). This just shows (I think) she really doesn't comprehend what divorce means and hasn't thought this through. I'm getting hope that plan B & divorce will be quite an eye opening experience for her.

(I know this sounds weird.. I've been working so many days straight & over the holidays, so I just took two days off)

I would go get the barstools and paint them.

This is perfect Plan A stuff. The movies and "seeing her mind churning" does not happen in Plan B. I think you should keep trying Plan A as long as you can.

In Plan B, you never see her, never talk to her, never ask her to do anything... If you never give her any good changing things in Plan A to digest before Plan B, then it sounds like it could be very difficult to win her over in Plan B alone.

But I have only been familiar with MB for a few months so I am not super knowledgeable about each subject...

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So what did you say about the barstools?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Ok... I'll get the barstools... they are not that expensive. Would it really be a good plan A thing given that we would not be spending time together... me alone in the garage painting???

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Invite her to do the painting with you and going to get them.


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