[/quote]
So your abusive husband has you trained well. [/quote]

I don't think you would have come to that conclusion if you knew how I get. I become obsessed and it's all I think, do, talk about. I am a highly anxious person and looking through his things are a trigger for me. The constant nagging my husband goes through isn't worth it and the constant anxiety I experience causes me to not eat if it gets bad enough.

I just want to remind everyone that I hit my husband not even two weeks ago. If we're going to label anyone "abusive", I need to be included as well.

Dr. Harley has the cure for that:

"snoop until it is boring."

That's what he says, word for word.

The problem is that when you snoop you find evidence of things he is doing to offend you, and then when you complain, he won't act on your complaints. If he did, you wouldn't be anxious any more.

The problem is that your husband won't do Marriage Builders.

I am a high anxiety person, too. My husband listens intently to my complaints.

But your husband has got you thinking that YOU are the problem and shouldn't complain.

It it possible for someone to post yesterday's episode by any chance? There was a part on assuming your partner is selfish that I want to hear again if I could.

Marriage Builders fails when you make this decision. This marital recovery plan doesn't work if you don't follow it.

We can't help you as long as you hold to this decision.

I'm not opposed to it, I'm just postponing it. It just seems like a waste anyways. What's the point of knowing the passwords if I'll never know he has a certain account? We lead fairly transparent lives; the only time we are separated is while he is at work. We need to use key loggers so the info will be saved on all devices I the household and I can come back to it when I'm ready. That would solve this particular problem. I've asked him several times if we could and he always tells me yes, but he is not very enthusiastic about the idea.

I guess I should add, what is the point of a key logger if he could be hiding a phone from me that he uses while at work or something?

The answer to your question is what I said above: Marriage Builders doesn't work if you don't prove he's not having an affair.

How do any of you do it?

Maybe you guys are right. Maybe he really isn't doing marriage builders. I have to double back on everything I've been saying to be sure. I'm still not really sure. I try to protect his feelings by not dumping all of my problems on him at once. I asked last night if we could talk about my complaints but he told me I was getting angry. He said he would prefer a hand written letter or something typed up and printed. I guess because like Dr. Harley says, it's easier to control your emotions when you're writing letters to your spouse.

He keeps talking about divorce now. Not in a threatening way, more like: "if you are not happy, just divorce me". I take this to mean he is overwhelmed with my problems. I do have a lot of problems with the way he acts. He is very outgoing and talkative and although I have asked him to tone it down at work (since it opens up so much dialogue with all these women), there doesn't seem to be much difference. I'm going to put this in the letter of course.

He does seem frustrated that I am not changing for him as well. It's the fairness thing again. It's just.... He doesn't complain a whole lot. He mainly complains about his step kids or he doesn't complain at all... Until I complain. Then he has he'll throw the same complaints back at me. It's like he doesn't want to have to tell me that what I'm doing is a problem until I bring it up. Is he truly suppressing complaints? Or like you guys said, is he just trying to avoid mine?

I recently asked him about some radical honesty stuff about when he was dating a girl years and years ago. He cheated on her at least twice that he has admitted to me. I asked him why he did it and he told me it was just because he was a different person, didn't care, didn't have as much awareness and that he could get away with it. The last explanation especially sounds like what Dr. Harley warns about. He cheated once on an out of state trip and another time while in the military with a girl at his barracks. What scares me about this last part is he keeps threatening to join the military. He says that he fantasizes about just signing up one day and not telling me until it's time to leave. He reasons that he will be able to pay child support for his three kids and then also have a roof over his head. If he is so overwhelmed by me that he is considering this, what do I do? It seems like a sure fire road to infidelity. I would never agree to him joining. Does he fantasize about it because he wants to cheat? Or get away from my problems with him? He says that I am pushing him toward this option more and more and he might be on the brink of going through with it. Is this a lost cause?

There is no "maybe" about it.

His feelings are real though. Right? And how do I get around that? I mean, besides the obvious like work on my tone during complaints and not cry. Possibly only complain in written form. What else can I do?

My 2 cents:
He doesn't want to adress your complaints and (succesfully) sends you on an errant. Why a handwritten letter instead of a typed one? Because it will cost you more time and effort, so you might just let it go.
My 2 cents:
He isn't willing to solve your marital problems. If he threatens divorce, maybe you will back off and leave him alone, so he won't have to take responsibility.
2ct
If you don't bother him with marital responsibilities, he can just have his fun way with these female colleagues, while you babysit his children and cook his meal.
2ct
If he counter-complaints, he won't have to adress your complaints. When was the last time you were able to complain without him changing the subject? When was the last time he acted to solve the problem?
He values his IB over a lot of things. It is up to you, do you want thins to stay the same or is it time for plan B?

Thank you for the response. It is looking more and more to me like what you're saying is true. How can I do plan b? He makes $9.50 an hour and doesn't have any family or friends to stay with around here. The only option seems like his "escape plan": joining the military. I would never be okay with that. At that point, I would see the marriage as over and sign or serve divorce papers - whichever happens first.

He just walked in after a big fight and not talking all day and right before going to work and asked me "if I start looking for new jobs tonight, would that be the start of me working on things you want me to do?". This is in response to me letting him know that I don't think I am going to like him working at the new store after he transfers next week. Like I said, I had a long list of complaints. That was one that was verbalized though. I said "yes, but it's not just that..." And he cut me off and said that's all he wanted to know right then. What I wanted (and attempted several more times) to tell him was that if he would just tone it down at work I wouldn't be so upset over the work situation. His response was "I'm always going to be a loud mouth at work". This hurt me because 1) he is saying that he won't attempt to change that about himself around other people and 2) because he CAN tone it down. He just does it with me. At home.

Of course the ideal situation to me would be for us to work together. We have talked about a truck driving job when the kids are grown. With this small town, the economy, and his only experience being in retail, it just seems impossible to start a brand new business up. I wish we could find a way to work together

Tonight. I can't believe it. He didn't tell me he was closing with a new young coworker until it was almost time to close. He didn't even tell me. I had to figure it out. I txt him "I hope that you will call me when the last customer leaves so that you are not alone is close quarters together". And that is how I found out that he would be alone with her in the store for almost an hour after the store was closed. He allowed me to be on the phone with him. He was in a very small room by himself behind a locked door. She tried to come in with him three times. I'm not really sure why she felt comfortable enough to do that with him unless he has made small talk with her...? I am just completely sick to my stomach. How can it be that he was scheduled to work not only alone with her all night but also after the store's doors were locked? I am so so so sick right now. Why wasn't I told? Why did I have to guess? Why did I have to suggest he call me? Of course these questions are rhetorical. I just can't believe this. Now I'm not sure that this hasn't been happening. He says this is this first time. I don't know if he is telling the truth. I asked him why she felt comfortable enough to try to go hang out with him? He replied that "that's what these women do after work, they go in and hang out in the office together" and also "because she doesn't know about our relationship and all of our crazy jealousy" and because "that's just her personality". Really? Is that true? When he left the office I could hear her talking to him. He had to reply to her "just chill for a while. Play with your phone or something." Play? Play with her phone? I've seen her there before and she is always on her phone everytime I see her. Is this something he jokes with her about? Does he talk to her about it in passing? Say things like "on your phone again, I see"? Would he tell me if I asked him? I was crying on the phone. He asked me to mute it. I was being loud. I suck at this. What a stupid situation.

I think I just caught him on the phone with her. i guess im leaving.

Does anyone have advice on plan b when my husband makes $9.50 per hour and my income is way less? He has no family or friends anywhere near here except the women at work I guess. I would like to stay at my house with my 5 kids.

Are you going to snoop and find out what is really going on?

If you decide to stay in the house and go into Plan B he will have to figure out where he stays.