Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 30 of 30 1 2 28 29 30
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by typicalman
She has no appreciation for anything I do and she will continue to take advantage of me after divorce. I think she should experience the real world for a while... what do you think?


Do you want her to come back as an act of desperation or do you want her to come back because she is in love with you?

Of course, I want her to be in love.. but that won't happen if she does not spend time with me and it won't happen until she realizes the other man cannot meet her needs and infact he is just a ticket to misery. She wants to have both right now.... and, yes... I am soooo much looking forward to having a mental break from her. I am also thinking that this OM will be waiting in the wings forever if I don't simply let her go and let the relationship die under its own weight. What do I do? After the comment about the dating site, it does seem certain now that he is waiting in the wings... that was textbook WW.

Do I not need to let her hit bottom... or this goes on forever? I have no hope for her being in love right now with her love bank closed.


Last edited by typicalman; 01/10/16 11:12 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Did you ever write Dr. Harley again?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I won't renounce my convictions and morals in the name of not love busting. That is the line I won't cross.
Then you do not have any hope for a romantic marriage. You can hold a belief and still not lecture and lovebust your wife. Yet you continue to choose to lovebust.

Too bad your convictions and morals do not include protecting your wife.

Quote
The real question I have now is... if she divorces me; do I plan for a dark plan B or do I plan to try to date her still?

Dr Harley suggested that I try to date her... But I was thinking "cold, dark, plan B" so she knows what divorce is like.
Yes, go to Plan B. Do not date her. There is no hope for this marriage to survive with your continued lovebusters.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
But I was thinking "cold, dark, plan B" so she knows what divorce is like.
And don't go to a "cold, dark, plan B" just in order to show her anything. That's not what Plan B is about. When a man goes to Plan B, just about all bets are off and the marriage is over for good.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Anybody who reserves the right to lovebust over anything cannot have a good marriage.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Prisca
Anybody who reserves the right to lovebust over anything cannot have a good marriage.

My conviction is that I don't believe in divorce... I won't sit around and discuss it with her. I don't know where you got the impression that I lecture her about it because I don't. I simply say that it is wrong and I won't discuss it. I would never have married someone that believes in divorce. My wife did not believe in divorce either... that is until the affair. The advice on this forum has been to not go along with the divorce discussion. I don't know where you got the impression that I am pontificating about it though... I am not. I will just say that it is wrong, hurtful, and I change the subject... that is it. Do I feel that I have a superior point of view... well, to have a marriage, I would think both people should agree on the concept of marriage as the basis... beyond that point, neither should think they hold a superior point of view.

If I were to entertain her divorce discussions and consider her viewpoint that divorce is OK, that would also go again the advice on this forum right? Going along with a divorce? In the long run, if we do reconcile... she will remember that I supported divorce and didn't stand up for our marriage... that is much worse, right???? Isn't it OK to lovebust if it is to reject the idea of getting divorced? Just as it was to reject the idea of her having a boyfriend? Perhaps you could explain this further...


Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by typicalman
Originally Posted by Prisca
Anybody who reserves the right to lovebust over anything cannot have a good marriage.

My conviction is that I don't believe in divorce... I won't sit around and discuss it with her. I don't know where you got the impression that I lecture her about it because I don't. I simply say that it is wrong and I won't discuss it. I would never have married someone that believes in divorce. My wife did not believe in divorce either... that is until the affair. The advice on this forum has been to not go along with the divorce discussion. I don't know where you got the impression that I am pontificating about it though... I am not. I will just say that it is wrong, hurtful, and I change the subject... that is it. Do I feel that I have a superior point of view... well, to have a marriage, I would think both people should agree on the concept of marriage as the basis... beyond that point, neither should think they hold a superior point of view.

I am referring to this:

Quote
Yes, you are right. I am making a Judgement about Divorce. It is morally wrong and I won't fall into her trap and "go in it with her" as if it is something we are doing together.

I won't renounce my convictions and morals in the name of not love busting. That is the line I won't cross.
It is possible to have convictions without lovebusting your wife. But, if you reserve the right to lovebust because you feel strongly about something (even morals), you will never have a good marriage. Period.

Quote
Isn't it OK to lovebust if it is to reject the idea of getting divorced? Just as it was to reject the idea of her having a boyfriend? Perhaps you could explain this further...

NO. It is never okay to lovebust, even in the face of an affair. NEVER. That is, IF you want a marriage. Lovebusters are not tools to be used to make a better marriage.

If your wife were here, I'd advise her to continue with the divorce. Like I said earlier, it is too bad that your "convictions" do not include "protect your wife." You are not following this plan now, and you haven't been. Instead, you keep twisting it to suite your own tastes.



Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 435
With regard to lecturing her... there is a fine point I should say that is probably missed. I have the right to say how I feel... and if the topic is morally not right for me to discuss... I have the right to do that. I am not passing jugment on her... just setting limits on what I will and won't do.

She may feel judged... but to an extent, that is hard to control. I'll give an example.. I go to church. I give her the option to come, but if she does not, I go anyway. She may feel that I am morally superior for that, but that is what it is. No lecture, no body language, I just go to mass. Regardless of the marriage builders pronciples... God comes first, then wife, family, country, job... etc... marriage is until death, but salvation is eternity... so, yes.. God should come first. I am treating divorce the same... no lecture, no body language... but I don't need to discuss it if I feel it is wrong...once my wife is gone, I am left with God and my kids. I need to look them both in the eye and sat I did the right thing.

I may change my mind on divorce once I am certain that what she has done deserves divorce. My clergy, Dr Harley, and the folks on this board have said that I have the right to divorce her... but it still is something that needs to come from my heart... I was wanting for her to come out of the FOG and then make that decision, but she does not seem to be coming out of it.

I may be making some lovebusters along the way... but I have been treating her really well. She seems to like spending time with me. She seems to be willing to talk to me quite a but during the day... but, she has a closed love bank.... seems to indicate an active affair going on and I can't get her to stop it.

Also, I did make a deal with her to go on a date with me today... I won't go into specifics on how I did it, but she agreed.

From our discussions, she justifies this divorce because I am the one that broke our marriage vows, I cheated on her, I lied about it. I made up the whole thing about her affair just so I could divorce her. I am dead serious.. and these are the false memories that she has created to justify her affair. She found one small piece of evidence.... a going away card from another woman at work. There was nothing inappropriate in it... but she was searching for something to make me the bad guy.

Anyway... make no mistake.. I know better than to lecture or present my view as superior, but I have also taken the advice to nor enable the affair and not enable the divorce so I felt I did need a one liner to end that conversation.

To avoid future love busters though... I can just say "wanna take a walk" "want some desert?"... I am fine with that.

At some point.. if I feel that the divorce is right...should I discuss it with her? I think the answer is no... never negotiate with a wayward.

Do I go dark on plan B? I don't know. It will help me end my pain and suffering. If I go dark, I was thinking it might help expedite ending the affair because she would have needs not being met by the OM...

If I don't go dark... I could try to date her... but then, I am meeting some of her needs, the OM is meeting sone... and she has what she wants and this goes on forever as well as my pain and suffering.

It's a delema... I think this is what I should ask Dr Harley... to his point, if I go through with the divorce, there is a good chance she will not go through with it...

She does not seem to realize that she won't be staying in the house. She does not seem to realize there is no spousal support and she does not seem to realize that she will be without the kids for half the time... it's still a fantasy for her. You may say that I am judging... I am not.. this is what she has told me versus what my attorney has told me... She may realize that before we get to the final divorce, this doesn't look so good. That was one of Dr Harley's thoughts.

Joined: May 2013
Posts: 90
Administrator
Member
Offline
Administrator
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 90
The purpose of this forum is to help posters learn and implement Marriage Builders steps. Since your focus does not seem to be on following these principles, we will be locking this thread. If you change your mind and decide to follow the principles, let us know and we will unlock this thread so you can receive assistance. We wish you the best.


ToujoursMB@gmail.com
Page 30 of 30 1 2 28 29 30

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5