No we don't have a covenant marriage. I'm just a Christian woman who believes in marriage and not giving up hope for reconciliation. I am realistic in that if we divorce ...I won't be pining away for WH.

I have been doing plan B. I don't have an IM...and since the only contact I needed from him was for the truck pymt...I thought I could handle it...WRONG!

This history is horrifying.

How did your first marriage end? How old is your son? Do you have any contact with his father?

Why did his two previous marriages end? How long did each of them last?

I don't understand the sentence "he aged out of foster care when he was a child" - please explain.

What led to the incident where he punched holes in doors? Has he been violent at any other time before or since? When did the restraining order end, or is it still in force? Did you impose any conditions in order for him to return home - such as anger management training?

How do you know for sure that he has been sober for 5 years? Is he in AA and NA? How do you know he is not using now that you are separated?

My first marriage ended After my german husband got hid green card. He also cheated.

My son from first marriage does not see his father...never. My son is 14 yrs old.

WH first marriage was at 18yrs old and didn't last long. His second marriage was approx 5yrs. All ended as all involved were heavily involved in drugs and alcohol.

My husband was placed in foster care at 6yrs old and didn't leave the foster care system until he turned 18yrs old.

We were fighting over mundane stuff...time...finances...etc...I was in his face he in mine and he punched holes in two doors and kicked in half off the hinges a third door...that is what lead to the restraining order in Feb 2015 and separation.

Yes he has prior domestic violence charges. However he had said they were prior to getting sober and becoming a Christian. I never saw any anger signs in over a year of dating.

The RO is still in effect for about another 3wks.

No there is no anger mgmt class condition at this time.

My WH works in drug addiction industry helping others get sober. While we were together I never saw him drink or do drugs. But since we've been separated I don't know for sure. I venture to guess that he's still sober with the exception of the affair high.

He does celebrate recovery...the Christian equivalent of AA...though his pastor says since Nov when the affair was discovered...he goes sporadically. He also said he had not been going regularly prior to that assuming that the affair was building up to the sexual nature it became in Nov.

So his violence, and a restraining order, came in less than two years of marriage, and now he is not maintaining any behavioural programme to stay clean and sober - which means he is neither. He had charges for violence against his previous wife when he was using, and now he has one against you. By his own logic, that suggests that he is using again.

He is not maintaining his lifestyle as a born-again Christian who is doing all he must do to stay clean and sober - and he is in an affair. Even if the affair ends today, he is still a violent, drug-abusing, active alcoholic.

If you have not already sent a Plan B letter saying that he needs to end the affair and get into, and maintain attendance at, behavioural programmes for substances AND for anger management, before you will consider talking to him about reconciliation, you should send one as soon as you have an IM in place.

Do what you have been advised about selling the truck, and stop using your completely unnecessary paralysis about the truck as a means of staying in contact with him.

He is very bad news, not just because he is in an affair. His untreated violence and substance abuse mean that he is not fit to be married to anybody - he is dangerous.

Get into Plan B and let the divorce go through. If he comes back with proof that he is clean, sober and in control of his anger, you can consider taking him back - but give up on this unless all those issues, as well as the affair, are dealt with.

Ok

Thanks for clarifying. God does not believe in marriage when a husband deals with his wife treacherously. He hates that treachery causes divorce.

The Malachi verse which is translated "God hates divorce" in some Bible versions is so misquoted. He hates divorce because he hates the treachery that caused it.

Marriage at all costs to the victim, including the cost of your health, is not a good thing to believe in. Instead, boundaries are Biblical, and are much better for you, too.

Thanks for answering. You will do yourself a favor to find a way to follow the dark plan B; perhaps the pastor who kicked your WH out of the church when his affair was exposed might be a good prospect as an IM?

I have not asked that pastor to be an IM as he is the pastor of the celebrate recovery ministry and they had once been close. This pastor is slowly trying to rebuild that relationship as my WH was at CR two times in the past three weeks. WH didn't go last Friday.

Do you have a friend who would agree to be neutral and serve as a spam filter for you? It is the easiest job in the world if done right.

So far no. Parents don't want to be that person in case he comes back. Both friends also want to preserve any relationship tho all see its value. No one wants to do it in the event he returns...plus most those friends and family that DO know are ANGRY themselves with him and don't want their anger to show through. So...so far no impartial takers on being an IM. sigh.

If anyone on MB is willing to be an IM I am open to that idea? I know it would be awkward tho.

Always, the expectation is not to BE impartial but to BE neutral in their dealings with him. All they are expected to do is filter communications between you. For example, if your H sends a long tirade but includes some critical financial information, they would send you an email that might say:

"Alwayslooikingup, Joe advises that he will be forwarding you a tax form."

And then the response to your WH:

"thanks Joe, in accordance to Alway's instructions I will forward her the information about the tax form. thank you"

Not sure how a perfect stranger would be received by WH tho

I view an IM who has impartial feelings to be a problem, because a person who feels "impartial" about adultery has a character defect. The objective is to protect you and just act as an impartial spam filter.

Any IM will not be received favorably by your H. That is the expectation. He will first REFUSE to deal with him/her.

I'm not one with a large friend circle. I don't have lots or any for that matter who are willing. They are all very angry and disappointed in him and his continued foolishness. No one is ok with his affair and divorce filing. But those in my circle are all close friends and family.

No one is impartial...those that know are very angry and disgusted.

AS they should be. NOW. Will any one of them agree to PRESENT a neutral front and serve as an IM?

Do you have any friends or family who can exercise self control and serve as a spam filter for you?

No that is what I'm saying. I've asked them all...they do not want to make it worse...they do not feel impartial. And understandably so.

In fact...they all see the truck as just handling business. But in me doing that it backfired in an epic way last night. I got handed an ugly platter of crap and felt totally broken last night.