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BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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But what about my IMs question from earlier post of mine about WH asking her questions?
Last edited by Alwayslookingup; 01/28/16 06:35 PM.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Neither of your IMs has ever seemed to understand that you should not be hearing about the emails he sends. You two have no kids, and nothing that needs to be discussed at the moment. He can send the IM all the emails he likes, but you should not be hearing a word about them.
With the amount of contact you are STILL having with him, it's as if you have never had an IM.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I know. It's a struggle. They know the rules but when they have questions I need to answer them. So I come here to ask.
So is she supposed engage in personal questions with my WH?
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Your IM is not doing her job. She needs to filter all of that blabber out and not tell them to you. It is not important.
Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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I know. It's a struggle. They know the rules but when they have questions I need to answer them. So I come here to ask.
So is she supposed engage in personal questions with my WH? Absolutely not. All she is supposed to do is pass on absolutely pertinent information about finances, legal issues, etc. If your WS sends personal "questions" she just has to say: "thanks for your email. My only role is to pass on critical information to Always about finances, legal matters. Nothing more."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The role consists of one thing and one thing only:
passing along pertinent information about finances, legal matters in her own words. Nothing more. She should present a completely neutral face to him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know. It's a struggle. They know the rules but when they have questions I need to answer them. So I come here to ask.
So is she supposed engage in personal questions with my WH? But if you've read all the guidance we've given on the role of an IM, you should know the answer yourself. I get the feeling that you just want to talk about him, and think about him. Coming here and asking those questions, to which the answer should be obvious, is a way of hoping for permission to engage with him. What part of "pertinent legal and financial matters" did those questions cover?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Ok. That is what I told her initially. She was NOT expecting personal questions and she wasn't sure what she was allowed/supposed to do. Thanks...ill let her know!
Btw...what is the reason she shouldn't have personal convos with him...it's not like they're strangers. I'm sure she'll ask and I'm curious too.
Thanks!
Last edited by Alwayslookingup; 01/28/16 07:49 PM.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Btw...what is the reason she shouldn't have personal convos with him...it's not like they're strangers. I'm sure she'll ask and I'm curious too. What would be the purpose of that? And I don't see that he is asking "personal questions;" he is insulting you in the form of a question. Surely she can see that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Btw...what is the reason she shouldn't have personal convos with him...it's not like they're strangers. I'm sure she'll ask and I'm curious too.
Thanks! She can have personal conversations about HERSELF, but as far as you are concerned, the IM needs to remain neutral and not inject herself into the situation. If she interjects her personal opinion, she won't be neutral.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok my IM says WH is asking her questions about me...example...Am I chemically imbalanced...why am I being so mean...what happened to me...marriage script rewriting stuff like I'm sure I've heard before...question...she wants to know if she can engage his personal questions...without my knowledge. I don't know the answer. My thought is no...only business which I told her originally...but since he's asking her stuff she is not sure what to do. Advice?
I guess the upside if yes...is he has someone that can help call him on his crap...she is 70yrs old and more motherly than hateful. She loves us both...and wants to see us reconciled...but what to do if he asks her questions? Seriously - she wants your permission to answer his questions about whether you are chemically imbalanced and why you are being so mean? She wants to discuss these ridiculous assertions with him, with your blessing, but "without your knowledge"? And she wants to see you reconciled, despite his drug and alcohol addiction, and his history of adultery and violence in his other marriages, and now with you? Despite the fact that he has abandoned you for another woman? Are you sure she's up to this job?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Yes she can...I think she looks at it as a window into more open conversation with WH to help him see his part...but not sure...she just wanted know if she could engage him. She's less threatening being 70yrs old and all.
I agree to just biz
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Yes she can...I think she looks at it as a window into more open conversation with WH to help him see his part...but not sure...she just wanted know if she could engage him. She's less threatening being 70yrs old and all.
I agree to just biz It is always dangerous when an IM tries to straighten out the WS and give her opinion. It can become a disaster, because such a person believes their role is more of a counselor or coach and they very often try to persuade the BS to break Plan B based on their unprofessional opinion. We have had some horrible situations over the years due to an IM that overstepped her role.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok. That is what I told her initially. She was NOT expecting personal questions and she wasn't sure what she was allowed/supposed to do. Thanks...ill let her know!
Btw...what is the reason she shouldn't have personal convos with him...it's not like they're strangers. I'm sure she'll ask and I'm curious too.
Thanks! I think you're enjoying all the frequent indirect contact. I think you're hoping that she'll have these conversations with him and talk him into getting back with you. If he ends the affair you will take him back, and you're hoping that this "motherly rather than hateful" woman will help him to end it. (Why the comment about "not hateful"? Did anyone suggest that she should be hateful?) You'll take him back despite his rotten record as a husband in his previous marriages, including violence and substance abuse, issues that have now surfaced in your own short marriage. You think the fact that he frequently engages with the IM means that he wants to be close to you. You want hm back, and you'll take the crumbs of indirect contact because that brings you closer to him.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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OP
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BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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I read my IM all your responses and you're all right. I'm struggling. Despite what you think of my WH I still married for love and the person he is today is not who I married. I still hope for restoration but WH has zero interest and I'm having a tough time coming to a place of acceptance.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I read my IM all your responses and you're all right. I'm struggling. Despite what you think of my WH I still married for love and the person he is today is not who I married. I still hope for restoration but WH has zero interest and I'm having a tough time coming to a place of acceptance. WE understand completely, Always!! And you did a great job getting into Plan B. You just need to tighten it up. If you can do that, you will feel so much better much sooner! I promise.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict. Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark Maybe this will help you see what your WH needs to do to earn you even thinking about giving him another shot.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I feel like my plan B is too late. You guys all have stories where your WS tried at some point but that's just not the case with me. My WH has no further interest and now LIKES having the IM. Admittedly I feel desperate. So yeah...even tho I have no contact with him...hearing he engages the IM gives me an odd shred of hope...pathetic I knoe. It only makes me feel worse hearing the same crap going to them as what I heard ad nauseum.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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