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You plan A any way you can.

Son's games, you and she is there you plan A. Tell son great game lets all go to lunch.

At son's game you tell WW son needs new pants, or a shirt, or whatever would she like to go to the mall with you, maybe include is she due for a new pair of sneakers lets go.

At son's game you bring up how son wants to see the new movie, you heard it was good would she want to join.

Another game, son never been to the zoo, or it has been awhile and now he wants to go again, lets all go/would you like to join us.

Be creative. You know WW heard about wood fire oven pizza and wanted to try tasting some, well you found out one just opened up that is not to far to make a day trip. If she says no take your son. Have son show mom some selfies with the pizza the oven. Get her to see what she is missing. You need to get her to miss you and her family life before she realizes what she is missing out on.

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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
[


Thanks. I expected that was going to be the suggestion but I think you are right. Even though it will be awkward, I really have nothing to hide. Her college friend confirmed to me today that she felt I didn't do anything wrong and WW is the one who messed up. Even all the revisionist stories about how mean and condescending I was could not hide the fact that she was the one who had the affair.

Do you think I should wait until she moves out to do this? I'm just wondering when to trigger this inevitable conflict. I know this was one of the big taboos for WW, my MIL, and her cousin, i.e. all the Enablers. They claim I'm just out to "embarrass" WW by "airing dirty laundry." They told WW she doesn't have to worry because she's not a "celebrity." Ha.

WW was all afraid to know whom I Exposed her affair to, and wouldn't go to events and parties where people would know. I guess now that the cat (will be) let out of the bag, I might as well tell everyone who cares about it who interacts with WW.

I would wait until she moves out and then contact the teacher and let her know. She will need to know so she can help your son if he needs help. When you mention the separation affiliated with your family, you can mention the affair.

Quote
I know this was one of the big taboos for WW, my MIL, and her cousin, i.e. all the Enablers. They claim I'm just out to "embarrass" WW by "airing dirty laundry." They told WW she doesn't have to worry because she's not a "celebrity." Ha.

Isn't it interesting that her enablers don't like exposure at all? [because enablers tell people what they want to hear crazy ] And those who are not enablers support your position? Your wife, just like a typical wayward, surrounds herself with enablers and avoids true friends like the college friend. She is the true friend!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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She is planning to move out this weekend :-(
She's set up the proposal for 50/50 custody.
I am so upset at this whole thing, it's hard for me to hold it together.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
She is planning to move out this weekend :-(
She's set up the proposal for 50/50 custody.
I am so upset at this whole thing, it's hard for me to hold it together.

I know this is upsetting, but you must remain calm. While this is scary, this may be the only way your wife can wake up from this long romantic fantasy. That might be the only chance you have so please be calm and try to contain your emotions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I know this is upsetting, but you must remain calm. While this is scary, this may be the only way your wife can wake up from this long romantic fantasy. That might be the only chance you have so please be calm and try to contain your emotions.

You are right as usual, and I knew this was coming for weeks, but still. It is so hard. I cannot but be emotional and upset. It's so hard to think clearly right now.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Well, I was served this morning. Forwarded the paperwork to my attorney. Her petition asked for full custody and giving me only visitation rights, but my attorney said not to worry about that.

She is planning to move out this weekend.

Once she is moved out, should I change the locks? Is that within my rights? I don't want to come home and find things missing.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Well, I was served this morning. Forwarded the paperwork to my attorney. Her petition asked for full custody and giving me only visitation rights, but my attorney said not to worry about that.

She is planning to move out this weekend.

Once she is moved out, should I change the locks? Is that within my rights? I don't want to come home and find things missing.

What is her plan for furniture, etc? I would sure not let her take any property - other than personal effects - without a court order. If you think she will do that, I would most definitely change the locks. You don't want her to disrupt your home for you and your home for what is probably going to be a temporary arrangement.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What is her plan for furniture, etc? I would sure not let her take any property - other than personal effects - without a court order. If you think she will do that, I would most definitely change the locks. You don't want her to disrupt your home for you and your home for what is probably going to be a temporary arrangement.

She hasn't told me, but she mentioned the place is furnished. I saw a receipt from BestBuy for a delivery... Probably a TV or PC for DS? You can imagine we have a lot of stuff together after 18 years.

What I don't want to do is to facilitate her move and make her life easy on her own, which will get in the way of me doing Plan A. E.g. she can run back and do her laundry and get TP and other supplies from the home, enjoy all of the conveniences of our marital home yet avoid marital life.

I read up a little and it seems that it will be tough to keep her out. I can change the lock but she can just get a locksmith to let her in since we are still married. I'm checking with my attorney.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
[

What I don't want to do is to facilitate her move and make her life easy on her own, which will get in the way of me doing Plan A. E.g. she can run back and do her laundry and get TP and other supplies from the home, enjoy all of the conveniences of our marital home yet avoid marital life.


I would not allow her to take furniture, etc, but coming there to do her laundry and stuff actually works to your benefit. You want her to miss all the comforts of home. She should purchase all her own supplies, though

Focus on ways to make your home a very attractive place. For example, if she is coming ot do laundry, cook a special dinner and have your son in the kitchen helping you cook.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You could also repaint and re-decorate a few rooms!! grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
[
I read up a little and it seems that it will be tough to keep her out. I can change the lock but she can just get a locksmith to let her in since we are still married. I'm checking with my attorney.

Also, it is not hard at all to change your locks. Hundreds of people have done it here over the years. You can do that and keep her out. You don't need to consult a lawyer to do it and I would caution you about getting too legalistic here. A lawyer will always tell you NO you can't do anything because they want more than anything to give an appearance of amicability, whether that is in your interest or not..

n my 15 years here, only ONE wayward spouse has actually gone to the trouble of bypassing the changed locks. ONE out of hundreds. A couple have encountered the changed locks and had their lawyer contact the BS lawyer. The only outcome was an offer to give the WS anything she needed in the home.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Surprisingly, my attorney said it is fine to change the locks. First let her move out completely, then let her know that I'll be changing the lock and then do it. Give her an opportunity to take anything that belongs to her out first.

Also, he told me to archive all records and store away locked or in a safe off-site place. I've scanned them all into the cloud already but some of the mortgage documents were very bulky. So I'll need to find somewhere to store the hard copies.

Last edited by LostOnWestCoast; 02/10/16 07:07 PM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Also, it is not hard at all to change your locks. Hundreds of people have done it here over the years. You can do that and keep her out. You don't need to consult a lawyer to do it and I would caution you about getting too legalistic here. A lawyer will always tell you NO you can't do anything because they want more than anything to give an appearance of amicability, whether that is in your interest or not..

n my 15 years here, only ONE wayward spouse has actually gone to the trouble of bypassing the changed locks. ONE out of hundreds. A couple have encountered the changed locks and had their lawyer contact the BS lawyer. The only outcome was an offer to give the WS anything she needed in the home.

I changed my locks in November, without telling my WW. Your wayward probably wont bother with a locksmith... my wife broke out a window to get in the house.

Her attorney has whined and whined about how "The defendant has changed the locks to the martial home, without providing my client a key to the home. The defendant should provide my client with a key to the martial property blah blah"

My attorney has said "If she is not in the martial home, then she does not need a key."

My situation - my wife was living with a friend with about 50% of her belongings in the house for about 4 weeks, then I changed the locks, then she broke out the window to take more things, with about 5% of her stuff left in the house she moved to the State OM lives in... I threw away most of her remaining 5%.

*Her attorney has said "My client left some Longenberger baskets and other home decor she wants from the home." uMMM... I may have thrown it all away...hah

In summary - changing the locks is pretty harmless to you if you can stomach the idea.

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Lost, I think that is great that your attorney supports the idea, but I would not warn your spouse in advance. That is just inviting trouble. Change them first and then tell your spouse. That way if she objects, the deed will already have been done.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Lost, I think that is great that your attorney supports the idea, but I would not warn your spouse in advance. That is just inviting trouble. Change them first and then tell your spouse. That way if she objects, the deed will already have been done.


100% agree and when you do tell her, no need to explain why you did it. Just tell her the locks were changed.


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We discussed finances this morning. The court is probably going to order me to give her support soon, but in the meantime she feels she doesn't have to pay certain expenses. For example, her health insurance, which we set up individually since her job has no coverage (and is a lot cheaper than adding to my policy). I talked to my attorney about this and she said WW definitely needs to pay for it, since it wasn't on my policy.

I feel angry because it sure seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too (me paying for things while she goes off on her own). She also didn't want to pay for some grocery she bought for DS and us because she felt it should come out of the community account.

Overall these things are not a big deal but if I want to do a good Plan A, should I be the "bigger man" and just pay them? (And say, see, if we work things out I'll take care of things?) It's like changing the lock, it will definitely be a Love Buster for her. What do you guys think?

When I talk about these things with her, a part of me feels that she is so far down the line that Divorce is inevitable. But part of me is still hoping that after she moves out it will be very different for her... I'm very confused now.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Many ways to play it-
Always remember, -Never agree to anything, because they always want more. You are experiencing the never ending entitlement of a wayward. If it is wrong, just say no thank you calmly and change the subject. You are going to make her mad regardless.

I would change the subject and ask about going to a movie or dinner, if you are still in Plan A. Maybe say something like, "O' honey, that is a matter for the attorneys, i want to talk about our marriage."

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My WW turned into a freeloader, she wants all the benefits of being married but none of the responsibles.

The stories are always the same from what I have read.

She even asked the court I be kicked out of my apartment with a RO pay all the bills plus 1500 for child support. And I would only see the kids every other weekend.

She got a job after the affair working swing. I work a 8am to 6pm job. She did not want me to watch them at night.

So I hate to say watch your back.

Oh, my WW is only going along with things to make the court happy. I have this feeling that in the end shes going to win and get what she wants. She keeps telling me there not my kids there her kids. I have no right to them.

The mind of a WW will never cease to amaze me.



BH 34
D-Day- 6/2015
Married 4 years
DD 11 and 4
DS 1
Plan A+Exposure

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What can I do as a BH to stop this? It is very sad, a few months ago I felt WW was my best friend in life, now I have to watch my back constantly.
As the high earner and man, I feel the deck is stacked against me. It seems like I may be doomed to lead the life of a slave if we do get divorced, a terrible prospect.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
I feel angry because it sure seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too (me paying for things while she goes off on her own). She also didn't want to pay for some grocery she bought for DS and us because she felt it should come out of the community account.

Overall these things are not a big deal but if I want to do a good Plan A, should I be the "bigger man" and just pay them? (And say, see, if we work things out I'll take care of things?) It's like changing the lock, it will definitely be a Love Buster for her. What do you guys think?

It depends. If she wants to buy groceries for your home, then you can pay it. But if she wants you to pay for her insurance or for curtains for her new apartment, you shouldn't pay for that. Facilitating her marriage wrecking behavior in any way is not good for your marriage so you shouldn't finance it. It is in the best interest of you and your marriage for her to fund everything involved in her little plan.

Changing the locks falls into that category. You don't want her coming in and damaging your home, taking property, etc.

Dr Harley does not advocate doing anything that would harm your marriage or your finances just to appease a drunken wayward.

Quote
When I talk about these things with her, a part of me feels that she is so far down the line that Divorce is inevitable. But part of me is still hoping that after she moves out it will be very different for her... I'm very confused now.

I know you will hate to hear this, but I think her moving out is the best thing htat has happened to your marriage in a very long time. I only say this because I believe she has been fogged out for a very long time on the high of a long distance fantasy affair. I think moving out might give you a chance to save this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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