Sugar I'm not avoiding your thoughts. I was thinking about them.

I have told my IM the rules as I remember them

But yes...any contact makes me hope.

We do discuss WH...it's a common theme. But mainly regarding the truck and upcoming court.

Because my Aunt is 70 does not mean she's not lucid...my point in her age is that she had no idea how her smart phone worked and what it was capable of...I had to help her with that.

My IM does pass on core issues from me. But stuff got thru that she should've filtered had she known how to do it...she does not engage him in conversation about me....so she says.

You should not be discussing your WH with anybody. You are feeding your addiction.

My point was that you should not engage her in conversation about him.

As hard as it is, Always, try to take this advice and engage in other things. You are still in early days, so it is difficult. However, try to pick up a book or watch television or visit a friend when this happens. It will help you get through it.

It isn't easy and its hard, especially at the beginning because many of your friends and family want to talk about it with you. It's natural for them because its a huge life change for you. However, try to shut them down as best as possible. Just say, "I don't want to talk about him right now. How was your softball game last weekend?" or whatever. They will understand once you start saying it.

If your aunt starts talking with you about it, try to do the same thing. My experience has also been that it is much harder for a close IM. My IM was a close friend for a time and it was hard for her, from an objectivity perspective and also for her not to talk about him all the time (because he was contacting her all the time). Once I got an IM I wasn't close to, it was easier, so it's something to consider. A more objective IM is probably a better filter and won't want to talk to you about it so much.

Sugar has been a good help in my case Always - what she says is so true.

Best I can advise is when some says "Hey, so how are things between you and WH?" Just quickly answer with "Nothing new" and move on.

Really, unless I am updating (sometimes minor stuff, sometimes major stuff) or asking for legal advice from some people that "been there done that" I do not post in my MB thread either.

My wife's uncle told me (HerPapaBear), my wife is going to have to fit back into my life - not the other way around.

You are not doing your husband or yourself any favors by clinging to his thoughts... its hard to avoid doing I know.

Hang in there.

Piglet and Wrestler, thank you so much for reinforcing my message - but I wonder if you realise the full extent?

The aunt that Always talked about is her IM. The issue is not just about stopping friends in general from talking to her about WH; what started my posting today is that it is clear that Always is using her IM to satisfy her need to talk about her husband; to explore what he is doing, what he might be thinking, whether she's heard any more from him, etc.

It isn't so much that the Aunt keeps wanting to talk to Always about WH - it is that Always has been using her Aunt to maintain contact with her WH. Always has never reinforced the message that she does not want to hear form her WH - because, in fact, she wants to hear as much from him, and about him, as possible. She has given her IM/Aunt the impression that the Aunt needs to forward original text messages from him, and indeed all communications, even those on trivial subjects. She has never worked to make her understand that her role as IM is to boil down and "translate" only urgent messages - of which there should be none.

I don't get any general sense of other people wanting to talk to Always about him, and her not wanting this - not at all. On the contrary, the issue that I see is with the amount of frequent contact that takes place in this, a 3 year marriage with no kids, where he moved out and separated his life from her months ago. The presence of an IM has done nothing at all to cut off contact from the WH, and I think that this is because Always has NEVER made it clear that this is what she wants. And that is because she wants contact.

Always: for all the lip service that you have paid during these past weeks to being dark, to blocking his number and email address etc, I have never got the sense that you are on board with Plan B. You don't really believe in it, or want it. Most people want to be in Plan B when the pain of contact becomes unbearable to them, but you have never really believed that it will be better for your mental state to be in NC. You keep looking for signs that your WH is conflicted, because you think that this means you can have him back.

Like any addiction to something that is bad, it hurts to be in withdrawal from the source of the addiction for a while, but NC is the only way to get over the addiction. Contact with the source creates a temporary relief, but it also prolongs the problem and makes it worse, because the substance is bad for you and causes you pain.

That pain will go on, and on, and on, as long as you refuse to remove yourself from the source. Withdrawal hurts for a while, but that stage passes quickly if you stick with NC. If you simply afford yourself contact by another means, you will go on hurting and you will never recover.

We've tried to say this to you numerous times, yet still the messages pass between you and WH. This is not your IM's fault; this is yours.

Sugar as hard and raw as this is...I think it's unfair to characterize me as looking for opportunities to discuss my WH. I do not only talk about him. I am not using my Aunt to facilitate needless contact and I have worked with my IM regarding what is and is not necessary info. In fact...it is my WH who has amped up the needless communication. Not me.

But you are right in that there IS something inside of me hoping something good might come my way from WH. In this regard it does me no good to hope that and is more hurtful than helpful and I need to work on that.

Please keep in mind that I did not find this forum until after the affair was revealed. So I've been playing catch up in the advice and going back and redoing steps in order. Yes my WH and I have been separated for a year but in that year we've been talking and communicating. The A was in Nov 2015 but I strongly suspect he had an EA with a different coworker starting in June 2015.

Always - dead serious - take a step back from your thread for a little bit. Read what others are saying in other threads... certainly do not walk away from MarriageBuilders, just try to post less in your own.

This was monumental in my first steps into this all. I found that I was always looking for someone to post something that would be like the "AH, thats exactly what will save my marriage" post. And also, every time I got on, I typed how sad I was and just wanted some affirmation that its hard.

Check into MB and certainly keep everyone updated! But maybe try to check once or twice a day (instead of 10-20x a day like I was at first and I am sure you are).

It helps to minimize the talk of sadness and always tell yourself "I am doing OK today"

Take it one day at a time...

Read Dr. Harley's books and stay fluent in his principles, but maybe use your thread less and less as a way to vent out emotions...

you are doing good my friend!

Dear AlwaysLookingUp,

The comments from SugarCane may seem to be really getting down on you, yet I also feel that a significant portion of you, consciously or subconsciously, really wants and needs to find out more about your Wayward Husbands current thoughts and feelings.

One of the few things I have learned, is that It Does Not Matter What My Wayward Wife Is Thinking Or Feeling.

I drove myself insane and wasted days, upon days each and every time she sent an e-mail or text message, attempting to scrutinize any hidden meanings and trying to interpret anything I could from any message.

Finally, it is clear to me. NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT.

I refuse to even discuss her with anyone, even, and especially to one of her Sisters, even though she seemingly sides with my feelings. It might be temporarily a nice feeling to get a few nice comments about myself and how despicable my Wayward Wife's actions have been, especially how she has totally abandoned all contact with our Son, from his 9th birthday through his recent 13th birthday.

BUT, then I would be triggering myself all over again.

Sometime, and eventually most of us will get to the point of realizing that our Spouses are not ever going to be who we once envisioned them to be. All they are at some point and time, is dead weight and leeches. They can offer us nothing long term for emotional support and consistency.

The only thing I can count on regarding my Wayward Wife, is that she can Never be counted on, Ever Again, regardless of how much I hoped and Prayed that she would once again reveal herself to be the person I once thought she was.

So, talk with your Aunt and make it inherently clear that NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT.

Anything he needs, he can get or do for himself and she should state that to him as directly and bluntly as she can.

Your Wayward Husband has So Little to offer to you. Let him go. Get him out of your thoughts and completely out of your mind.

Now, meaning right this moment, vow to yourself that you will not subject yourself to any more of this behind the scenes lingering contact and hope to interpret anything he feels.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE THINKS OR FEELS!!!

All that matters, is for YOU to heal and move forward with your life.

I hope I made some sense to you. I really, really sympathize with what you are going through.

Cut those ties today.

LTL

Come, now. Marriages do recover, and people do learn from their mistakes. Establishing true "no contact" is the right advice, but you don't really need to argue that recovery is always hopeless in order to justify it.

I'm taking the advice and doing it.

Thanks to all!

I see that others have said what I have been saying for weeks and they also see what I see that you aren't serious about MB and Plan B and actually healing. You are just like an addict.

If you were serious about the IM link you would go back through your thread and find it because I have personally posted to you at least twice. But you don't really want to follow Plan B or MB, you want to follow Plan Alwayslookingup.

Here's another thread you probably won't follow.
Read my Lips No Contact Means No Contact

Yup, I sent this to you a month ago (not counting the other time I posted it) and you didn't even respond or acknowledge it.

And it all makes sense that you've never ever been in Plan B because your IM had been forwarding his exact messages and you never informed the board at all. I have always felt like you've kept your contact with him a secret and you have never been serious about healing. Your addicted to him and lie to the board.

Hey not fair. I'm trying here. As I go I tell this board what I'm doing...if I'm doing something wrong I correct it. I am not in plan ALU.

I am in NC. Yes my IM and I have messed up a few times. But like I said i didn't realize that forwarding me his business messages was wrong. Where the problem came was that some crap got thru with the business.

I also realize that talking about him with friends and family keeps me down. I've informed those closest to me that I don't want to always talk about every lil thing regarding lawyers and court and and and. Yes while it filled a void for awhile it's now more toxic than therapeutic.

I appreciate all the feedback and it has served as a wake up call.

Brain...I re-read the IM instructions. We have done that. My WH and I do not text but my IM prefers text with WH.

Brain...what I informed the board of was the parts of the IM communications that was NOT BUSINESS only....that sent me spinning. I have informed you of the stuff we've done wrong.

Your IM should not be forwarding you any communication from him at all. NO matter what it is.

She should paraphrase whatever small portion of information is required and tell/email you that herself.

Do you and she understand that?

You wouldn't know that if you were in Plan B.

Ok. I got it

**EDIT**