Also, to get the opposite perspective, BW/SAHM, you could read the threads of Gingerfly or SexyMamaBear. It isn't easy to be a betrayed SAHM either, and the financial uncertainty increases the pressure tremendously.

My lawyer said that is very unlikely where we live, the bar is pretty high to get those. I have absolutely no history so it is very hard to establish.

But anyway I got my VAR ready! :-)

Ok, so I decided to try the MIL route tonight. I showed up at MIL's place unannounced and surprised her. I expected her to not open the door but she actually welcomed me to her place. I talked to her on the phone before but she was very abrupt. I asked her now why she helped WW with the divorce lawyer/filing. She was actually very apologetic, she felt everything is her daughter's fault. But she was sure we can't last, even if I say that I am willing to work with WW on the marriage. She thinks, with this being the second time WW betrayed me with the same POSOM, there will always be a wall between us. I assured her, as long as WW goes NC with POSOM and is willing to work on the marriage with me, anything is possible. She is very doubtful about that.
I told her that the child therapist told me from 11-12 is the most sensitive age for kids. When they enter 7th grade, that's when all of the bad things start happening. She said she is sad to for S11, but there's nothing she can really do.
She said whatever bad things I've done in the marriage is nothing compared to what her daughter did to me. She is very sorry for her actions but she knows even now, she cannot trust her daughter to do what she promised her, i.e. not contact OM. She thinks WW moving out and experiencing hardship is what is needed to wake her daughter up.
We talked for a good hour about everything. Overall I left feeling a lot more hopeful about my situation. The one thing I need now is a way to convince MIL that we can overcome this Affair and have a good marriage... Any ideas on how to sell her on this?

I read them... I think I can confidently say it isn't easy for anyone who's the betrayed party. I just wish it was as easy for me to be a d*ck as Gingerfly's WH. But unfortunately I'm not, and also the laws in my state are a lot stricter against men.

Yes, betrayal sucks. At least you are not worried about how to feed and cloth the kiddo
Are there circumstances in which alimony will stop at some point? Also, you mentioned assets prior to the marriage. Is the appreciation of those assets excluded from the marital property.

I tend to think community property laws are fair but only if the state maintains penalties for adultery.

The support (alimony) will have to wait until the divorce proceedings, they are usually negotiated based on a state formula from income. Because we are married for >10 years, it could be for life, although my WW is young enough my attorney thinks the judge will tell her to go get a higher paying job, as she has a degree and has a long work history.

No penalties on the Left Coast for adultery. It is viewed by the court as a "non-event" unfortunately.

I know. West coast is weird. One reason I wouldn't work in Cali.

Colorado has interesting views on underemployment. Does California have a similar precedent?

I've lived in community property states but only ones that consider adultery in determining settlements. Ie, and WS can't take your money, except CS for >50% custody.

Yes, my lawyer said my wife would be viewed as underemployed and the judge will have an adjustment period of 6 months to one year for her to gain employment at "the proper level." But a lot of this could be negotiated during the divorce proceedings. Hopefully I never get there!

No consideration here for adultery.
Also, for in my case, even if I lived in a Red State, it would not apply as it is strictly an online affair. The POSOM is on another continent and they have not met in person since we married (that I know of). So it would be very difficult to prove adultery which requires physical contact, right?

Question on Plan A during this time: Should I continue to attempt to show affection? Today, while taking DS to school in the morning, I touched WW's shoulders. She shuddered a little bit. Should I try to not antagonize her during this time? I know I'm not supposed to beg, grovel, say "I love you," etc. but should I avoid these types of displays of affection? I know part of the reason she's trying to move out is because she feels "controlled" by me and wants her "freedom."

Yes, say I love you if welcome, show affection, ask dates. You want her to have something good to miss when she is alone at the apartment.

I've been friendly, cordial, but I felt when I tried to do the above things, they tend to drive her away. So I kept my distance and try not to seem to needy. But I don't want to seem too cold either...

Any suggestions on how to overcome MIL/WW's fear that I will never let the second EA go?

Got notice of what WW and lawyer were planning. They made an ex parte motion to the court to compel me to move the assets back from my individual account to the joint account. But most of the assets are securities and not cash so not sure what they want to do with it? They will require consent from both parties to make changes on it. I moved these before she filed for divorce...

My lawyer is going to oppose the motion.

Yes you should continue to show affection. What exactly did you do to "control her?" Can you give a specific example?

Showing affection, telling her you love her is good. Groveling and begging is not good.

That is completely up to your wife. If your wife wants you to "let it go" she will need to follow the steps to earn your trust and give you just compensation. The plan works very well by first affair proofing the marriage followed by a plan to create romantic love in the marriage. When that plan is followed, the tragedy of the past is left in the past because the present is happy and content.


If your wife agrees to all of these steps, we would tell you to never bring up the affair again. Can't We Forgive and Forget?

I would print out this article and give it to your MIL. IF your wife will not do these things, then she is correct, YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT..

She needs to take these concerns to her daughter, not you. This is your WW's area of control.

It's mostly Revisionist history centered around things that happened AFTER D-Day.

MIL said she complained to her about my tracking and spying. But MIL said she told WW it's 100% understandable, after all she violated my trust!

She complains about the money now, even though on D-Day she said she didn't "want my money." She filed the ex parte motion for an emergency hearing tomorrow to compel me to move back the assets to the joint account. She thinks I'm controlling her through not letting her have access to the money. But she doesn't realize it's mostly non-cash investments. Hopefully my lawyer can quash it tomorrow. This was a legal gambit dreamed up my her lawyer that is coming out of left field and not kosher. Hopefully the judge won't allow it.

Other than that I don't really think she can say I "control" her. I read somewhere that SAHM and others do feel "controlled" just because they are almost totally reliant on the husband's income. Most of the time she does not tell me her opinions on things (like the restaurant examples). Even on vacation destinations frequently she might grumble a bit but usually has a good time wherever I decide. She's not a decisive person and usually kicks the can down the road, waiting for me to decide. But I don't honestly think she can claim that's from my "controlling" nature.

How do I convince MIL to do that? I'm sure that's what WW claimed to her, that I would never get over being betrayed TWICE. I told her last night that I'm willing to work on it if WW is willing but she just thinks my heart is forever tarnished (never mind I did it 17 years ago!).

MIL is a key linchpin if I were ever to reconcile with WW. They talk several times a day. I don't think MIL was gaslighting me yesterday, I think she spoke the truth. So it is worth the effort to try to turn her again.

Another broad area of "controlling" that she complains about is my applying the tactics I learned from MB site: Exposure, talking to her friends, "making it so she has no friends," etc.

She complained about me asking "what have been up to today?" as tracking her now. She usually didn't tell me much before and now she complains that is "controlling."

But it is all post D-Day stuff.