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MelodyLane, I asked this question to a gazillion people and even as a yahoo question. Most people feel the relationship of the OW is non of my business. Often people think I will ruin the life of three more people. They tell me more or less it is selfish to contact the husband. Not kind. Not decent. This forum is the only source I found that tells me to do the opposite. Im still her, pondering. Because it would be a relief. But is it really the right thing to do? If the OW had no children it would have been a no brainer. I don't care if you find 1,000,000 callous people to validate your bad intentions, it still is not right. You cannot possibly defend helping cheaters lie to and trick this woman's betrayed husband. You won't find any support here for that type of cruelty. If you want to promote dishonesty, you are in the wrong place.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If the OW had no children it would have been a no brainer. If you cared about her children, you would tell their father so he can protect THEM. So please don't pretend like you are doing this for his children. You are not. It is not in their best interest for their mother to have affairs while their father remains in ignorance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes...it is the most kind thing you can do. Wouldn't you want to know?
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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MelodyLane you are pretty harsh in your opinion. Out of curiosity I looked up you recent post, your first one, where you admit to having an affair yourself. My husband is a player, his whole persona is built to seduce people. I don't blame the OW, she is a very plane housewife and adoring fan who never in a million years thought she could have this much attention from her idol. As you know, circumstances are playing a big role, my husband could take that into consideration, but might be so hurt he will not forgive her, Than where do her children go? Truth is divorces are a big set back for children, emotionally and financially. I feel it would be cruel for us, as adults who make mistakes, especially my husband making mistakes and trying to forgive him, to jeopardize a child's future.
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And consider this, if the betrayed husband knows what your husband and his wife have been doing to him behind his back, he might have a chance to save his marriage. By helping them deceive him, he does not get that chance. You got that chance, but are denying him the same option.
You are also denying him the right to make a choice about his own life. You have decided FOR HIM that he should stay in his marriage based on a lie. You seem to believe you know what is best for him.
Do you think that is decent? Really?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MelodyLane you are pretty harsh in your opinion. Committing adultery is harsh. Lying to spouses is harsh. Helping cheaters lie to their betrayed spouse is harsh.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I still don't know. Making this call is very hard. Eventually I think it is unavoidable. But hard it is. I feel for the poor guy and children. Wish I could be locked in an elevator with him for a few hours to explain my husband's sick personality to him. That said, do you think I should tell OW husband when I actually think of leaving my husband?
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Of course you should tell him. It is the right thing to do. He has the right to know the truth about his own life.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And you are right, it is hard. But doing the right thing is hard sometimes.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know. I feel everything is fake. I am leaving my husband. Maybe I will send the husband an email on my departure. My husband and the OW are so sick and so wrong. No love, not for each other or their significant others, her children forgotten, and for what? They have no respect, there is nothing good in this, no hope, no future, no honesty. Just vanity and big ego's. Ugh. I'm sick of it all. If I tell the husband it will be a call full of sadness. I am sure he will hate me for ever, the messenger always gets killed.
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You're paralyzed with fear. Inaction ensures that your marriage will end. You need to expose immediately. You're wasting very valuable time.
BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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I will leave because my husband did not choose for me and only pursued his own fun while lying to me, for years. Through good and bad, sickness, family vacations, it did not matter, the OW was always there. His own fun was most important. I will call the OW husband, not to save my own marriage but to do what's the right thing to do, I guess. What a mess.
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How do I tell him? by email? By phone? what do I say? He doesn't know me.
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How do I tell him? by email? By phone? what do I say? He doesn't know me. In a way you are sure he gets the message and not his wife. I am sure Mel will give you a template, you can fill in the right names and you send that message. Or give him the letter in person, depending on the situation.
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How do I tell him? by email? By phone? what do I say? He doesn't know me. In a way you are sure he gets the message and not his wife. I am sure Mel will give you a template, you can fill in the right names and you send that message. Or give him the letter in person, depending on the situation. I would send it by registered mail with restricted delivery. All you need say is that your husband has been having an affair with his wife.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Just vanity and big ego's. Ugh. I'm sick of it all. If I tell the husband it will be a call full of sadness. I am sure he will hate me for ever, the messenger always gets killed. Not usually. typically the betrayed spouse is grateful you told him. EVen so, you are not telling him to be liked, You are telling him to be decent.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When will you be contacting OW's BH?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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When I picked up the phone and called OWH, I told him who I was, who my husband was and that the two of them had been having an affair. The OWH was not surprised at all. And it wasn't a sad call either. Just do it.
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Look at it this way.
The OW was perfectly willing to put her own marriage (and children) at risk. SHE decided to do that. Her husband could have easily discovered it -- you said there were many many text messages.
If she was willing to jeopardize it, why should you feel any reluctance to expose it???
She took that risk.
He deserves to know the truth about his life. There could be nothing worse than to be lied to for years....or plotted against behind his back, while he is defenseless.
you will be so relieved when its done.
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