Should I start the conversation with Dr. Harley alone or involve my ws?

It is also very counterproductive to punish somebody for telling you the truth. This is another circumstance where following your instincts is the wrong thing to do. If you want a recovered marriage, you need to reward radical honesty. As ML has been trying to tell you, this is a huge step forward for your recovery. Your instincts tell you it is not, but your instincts are wrong.

You should email mbradio@marriagebuilders.com, and include your phone number. You will get the most help if you and your WW both agree to talk together to Dr. Harley on the radio program. My wife and I have been on the radio show twice, and both times it was extremely helpful. They can help you over email alone, but there is no substitute to actually talking to Dr. Harley.

And its free!!

Thank you. Just sent it.

Giving you open access to all accounts is a very good sign. On of your EPs may be to combine finances so purchasers such as plane tickets can never be hidden again.

Dr. Harley often recommends that couples early in the recovery process take a vacation together so they can build up the Love Bank.

I'm so glad you wrote into the show. The Harleys are so helpful.

Other immediately need EPs are no night apart, change phone numbers and email addresses, if not already done. You Want to make it difficult for OM to make contact.

I haven't seen an answer to this.

I really don't know the answer to that. I was too trusting. I have to go back and look at all of the trips and dates...she is foggy on dates and times. Once she was going to see her mother. Once she was going to a friends condo in Florida...the others I don't know yet. I just found out day before yesterday. Is that what you are asking me? Ugh. I really can't believe 6 times. I am ashamed.

She agreed to write the no contact letter but feels that I am being demanding. Demands by me she says are a trigger for her. She will do it but insists that OM would never reach out. We will follow through on it this week.

After my most recent discovery, she decided to sleep on the couch. I am happy to have the space. I did not ask her to do it but I think she feels uncomfortable after telling me about the sexual part of the affair. So do I. I think it is good not to be in the same bed if it lets us rest better. Thoughts? I have to get a blood test tomorrow. We will go together. Does that count as a vacation? 😉 Kidding. Not funny I know. We have a spring break trip planned with the kids next week. We are going to try to make it work. I hope it isn't a disaster.

Make sure you use Dr Harley's NC letter below is a copy:

Dr. Harley�s (From SAA)

(OP),

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she�s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,

Disloyal Spouse

What if anything has been done from this list?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

She's sleeping on the couch? That could be a red flag that she wants privacy.

What happened with the spyware (without her knowledge) on all of her devices (any phone or computer) that she uses?

You do understand that nights and trips apart can never happen again, right?

Were OM's parents part of this exposure?

This is a time to help yourself stay strong to go the distance if you are choosing to rebuild your marriage together. You mentioned you feel like you have to end your marriage with your wife and start a whole new marriage together. That is exactly what the recovery program is about. You are presently grieving the lose of your marriage as it was and what it became. That's facing reality. It's tough.

Going forward and starting over with your wife and the mother of your children while really knowing her and her strengths and weakness of character and together making it into something many times improved is potentially what you have in front of you.

Suggest listening to marriage builder radio everyday. See your doctor and perhaps starting an anti depressant for a short period to get through this harsh period of recovery. Yes yes yes talk to Steve Harley to couch you maybe once a week for a month and then less frequent. He'll help you stay on track. Start by talking to him alone. You can talk to Steve about talking together as a couple. As you learn the basic concepts here it's easy to get excited and want to tell your spouse but take care not to get preachy about it. Sounds like you are a very responsible guy. Get some exercise. And above all know you are vulnerable to an affair right now. The idea is to stabilize yourself and it will help you to take the long view and re-make your marriage.

When my wife decided to go sleep on the couch, I followed her and slept on the other couch, or next to her on the floor in a sleeping bag. Spending time apart doesn't help a marriage. And being glad to get away from her is a love buster!!!

Please go back and reread your thread and answer the unanswered questions.

Do you own the book Surviving an Affair? Have you read it, yet?

You will sleep better when you have recovered your marriage. You can't do that by sleeping apart as if you weren't even married, and being glad she's gone. She will know that you're glad she's not there.

You're doing a great job 42! You are in a fight for your marriage! Stay strong and kill this affair!

Most of us have experienced what you are going through, and your WW is just like every other WS. To a large degree, you have to ignore her responses, because you are following a PLAN, and that plan calls for you to take actions that predictably generate those responses!

Are you learning about Plan A? You should be implementing that as you attack the A with everything you've got!