He did - yesterday.

Romantic love is an emotional reaction, not a conscious decision. Caring love is a conscious decision, though, and I think that is what you describe here.


What you say here reflects the feelings of a checked out spouse who lives an independent life. Needing the "freedom to be who I am and follow my interests" is not something that a woman in a romantic, integrated relationship would say. That is obviously not an "emotional need" in the context we use here because it is not something that your spouse can meet. An emotional need is something your spouse meets that creates an incredible attraction. Leading a separate lifestyle does create romantic love, it diminishes it.


The new love gave him a new point of comparison and he knew he was not in love. He was detached because of the lack of connection with you due to the separation.

I guess you are right. I feel a void when he is gone on a deployment but I also do make a conscious choice to love him. So I am not sure if this void is due to a romantic love.

Ok, so for me to feel fulfilled, I have to have both an integrated relationship and independent life. I guess what I mean is as long as I am in an integrated relationship in which my husband would let me be who I am and follow my interests and passions I am fine. The fact of the matter is I have always tried to involve my husband in my projects and activities, because I want to share them with him, and many times we do things together but some times we do not. Just depends on the activities. Generally, most activities he does, I enjoy. But he for example does not agree with the fact that I have to continue my education and that has been bothering him. He thinks I should get a job and stop school. This now is something I would not do to my spouse. I would not try to stop him from working for the military although we might be separated. This is the point at which independent lifestyle comes in in terms of doing things that matter to you that your spouse should appreciate and be open to you doing them if that makes you happy.

I told him that and asked him if he would like to make changes so he can fall back in love with me and he said he does not want to do anything. So he does not want to give us and our marriage any chance.

That is a contradiction in terms. An independent lifestyle is the antithesis of an integrated relationship.


In a healthy marriage, we find interests and passions that we BOTH share. If you enjoy something MORE than your marriage, it will eventually come between you. Your spouse should be your greatest passion.


What you describe is exactly how couples fall out of love. When you make decisions that make him unhappy, he eventually falls out of love. The policy of joint agreement avoids this by teaching you to never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse.

Anyway, if you want to find out how to create a happy, integrated marriage you can read up on it in His Needs, Her Needs.

We have a lot of common interests we share. No, I do not enjoy something more than our marriage. I make my husband a priority. However, I would not stop my husband from doing something he likes even though I might not agree with it. I will compromise because that would make him happy. So essentially, I am still agreeing with his decision and I am happy with my choice because I know he will be happy. In his case, he obviously still holds grudges I was not aware of because he does not agree with some of my choices.

I will buy the book and read it. Thank you.

My husband would not need to "STOP" me from doing something that made him unhappy because my marriage means too much. I would not DO something that made him unhappy because I don't want him to be unhappy. It is a stupid strategy.


Sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of your spouse is a win/lose proposition that leads to incompatibility. In Marriage Builders, we learn to create win/win decisions. If your spouse does something that makes you unhappy you will eventually fall out of love. This is how incompatibility is created.

But you can learn new habits if you study the MB program.

Needinput- You need to stop trying to jump to conclusions and start concentrating on learning Marriage Builders principles, instead. All of us first came here as ignorant folks with marriages in crisis. We had to learn. So do you. There are no extra points for being right all the time. This is not a debate forum.

Marriage Builders has a wealth of information available for free. Avail yourself of the opportunity to learn. Get the radio show app and start listening every day. Explore the website. Improve your understanding so you can learn from your past mistakes.

I am not trying to debate. I guess this is my way of saying what I typically do and what my approach is, and when someone gives me their opinion I see a different side to it I have not seen before. What I am doing is not about trying to be right.

Markos mentioned I can start the MB program even if my husband does not want to. What does that mean? Is it possible to reverse the situation? He already filed for divorce. What specifically should I be doing at this time?

I have been listening to the MB radio show. I have been reading on this website.

I am not arguing my way works. Obviously, it does not. This is not MY way, I believe BOTH of us have contributed to this in one way or another. However, he is not willing to work on this while I am. That is what is bothering me. He is not the one sitting in a forum all day trying to figure out what to do next or what went wrong, it is me doing that. For him, it is very easy to turn his back on our relationship. If I were in his position and if I knew I did not love him any more, I would try to understand why and would put an effort to fix it if possible because of commitment. He does not want to put any effort into it because it is much easier to start all over saying there are many fish out there. If I were him I would think really hard why in the first place I married him. I would not be making comments about having so many options of other women out of respect for the person I lived with so many years no matter whether I am in love with him or not.

Markos, where can I read about all this? [/quote]

Right here on the forum posters like MelodyLane, SugarCane, and my wife Prisca and many others will be happy to help you learn and implement those recommendations. You can also get them from Dr. Harley on his radio show. [/quote]

Could you please let me know what exactly I have to do next? What are these recommendations?

I agree and that is why I am bothered - because he knows it is a problem of separation and he decides not to work on it but get a divorce while he was (and probably is) still doing everything possible to continue his long distance relationship with the bar girl who is thousands of miles away. Does he think he would be able to maintain connection with her? How long do these long distance emotional affairs last?

The MB plan for women in your situation is to:

1. Give him a Plan B letter
2. Cut off all contact
3. Shut down any avenue of contact he might have to you (change phone number, email addresses, etc)
4. Get educated and learn what the mistakes were in your marriage so that you do not repeat them

Have you read this?
How to Plan B Correctly