6 weeks ago my wife left me after one of many many arguments. After 3 days of texting her and begging her to come home and saying I would do anything to make her happy, she informed me of her affair with a coworker. I told her to just come home and we would work through it, so she agreed.

She said the affair started in January and they started having sex in October and November. She said she ended it at the end of November and told OM she wanted to work on her marriage. So it was three months between when she "ended" the affair and before she informed me of the affair around February 20.

We both cried some and agreed to work on our marriage. She informed her family of the affair and agreed to stop all contact with OM and to be a better wife. We both started individual counseling and talked about how to fix our marriage everyday all day. She was just as sad as me and couldnt eat, but it turned out she was in withdrawal from ending the affair and not from guilt like I thought at the time.

The first 2 days showed promise, but she eventually started being unsympathetic and eventually angry and resentful. After about 4 days she called home crying and sad she was sad because she saw how hurt and sad OM was and she wanted to make him feel better. This hurt me so much that I told her I was done and to go stay with her mom. After a couple days and some texting, we agreed to try again. She informed me that her and OM had

For the next month we fought and made up everyother day. She was still showing no remorse and stopped wanting to mention the affair. We finally decided to go to lawyers, I informed OM's wife (even though OM had already initiated divorce and seperation for irreconcilable diff. 3 months prior), and notified my family. Neither of us had actually paid for a lawyer at this point and we were still considering staying married.

About an hour after I informed OM's wife, my wife called me and was very angry. She said OM is the victim in all this and I was ruining his life. We decided to pay our lawyers in about a week when we both got our paychecks. It was completely over at this point. But then I stumbled across this site.

I told her to let us both stay at home while I found somewhere to stay and saved up some money. She was angry and said no. I said she coukd go about her business and I woukd leave her alone angry long as she let me stay home. She finally agreed. I started doing all the chores and helping out as much as I could and didnt mention the affair at all. I was planning to go about six months before trying plan b. This whole time she was being very mean to me, constantly saying she didn't want to be with me, and still texting and calling OM all day long. After about 4 days she broke down and told me she told OM she coukd no longer talk to him. She sent me the screen shot of the texts where she told him and his replies.

For the next 2 days, she was still being mean and telling me she was only working on our marriage for the kids sake and that she woukd never be happy. Eventually she said she couldn't do it anymore and had to talk to OM. We had had a big fight and she was getting her stuff together to go stay at her mom's. Right before she left I just sat down and quit talking and put on my saddest face. She yelled some more insults and then went to bed. About an hour later she came to bed with me, held my hand and said she told him again she couldn't talk to him anymore.
The next day was perfect. She acted like her old self, wore her wedding ring all day and was in a good mood. We went on a date and had fun. She still wouldn't return my attempts to hold hands or anything, but she seemed very happy. She stopped shutting the door when she would shower. Everything was looking better.
Today she was a little more back to being somewhat in less of a good mood but still seemed to be glad with her decision. She also alluded to the fact that she thinks OM does lie sometimes and try to manipulate. And also that they had had a fight over him texting another girl right before D-day. So it seems she is starting to see he isn't perfect like she swore he was the past month.

Does it sound like we even have a chance at fixing this, or should I just give up?

Should I keep with plan A since it seems to be working?

Will she ever likely show remorse and guilt?

Is it normal for her to be so angry at me sometimes?

Does she still see the OM every day at work? Do they still work together?

Forgot to add that: He left the job they shared about 2 weeks ago. Not because of the affair, but just for his own personal advancement.

That was part of my reason for holding on to a little hope. I figured we would have a better chance now that he is gone from the job.

That is great news! When was the last time she was in contact with him? How close does he live? How easy it is for them to hook up?

Yes good news. Everyday your WW saw the OM at work was causing your WW to be conflicted and back slide into the affair.

This is why when the AP's are co-workers the WW has to quit that job so there will be NC, no contact between the AP's.

Telling the OMW was the best thing that you could do. For the OM was probably lying to your WW that he and the OMW were getting a divorce so the affair would continue. OM are known to be big liars.

If OM lives close you should move far away to ensure that the affair does not restart again.

Affairs cause addictive reactions that is why they are hard to break.

She last contacted him about 3 days ago since we were fighting. Then an hour later she felt bad and told him she couldn't talk anymore. She has had all ways to communicate with him cut off except for Facebook.
I confronted her about Facebook last night but she said she needs to be able to let him contact her since his ex wife is trying to cause trouble for her too. She said she doesnt contact him but she needs him to be able to tell her if his wife is doing something crazy. My wife and OM arent friends on Facebook anymore, but she said he can still contact her thru thr messenger. I said we will never be able to reconcile as long as he can send messages for her to read. I said he will keep sending lies and stuff until he writes something that sticks and causes her to want to reconsider. She said she needs to end this her own way and not by how the internet says she should.
Something tells me this is not good, but considering she wanted a divorce a week ago, I think it may be heading in the right direction.
I assume I should just keep with the plan of being the perfect husband and quit mentioning her contacting him. When I confronted her last night she got mad and said I am always going to be jealous and suspicious for the rest of her life.
I can tell she is feeling a little guilt and that is keeping her from contacting him. It also appears she is starting to like him less and doesn't really want to be with him. But I'm still waiting for her to show real remorse and guilt for hurting me, and commit to a real plan on reconciliation.
He does live within 10 minutes of us, and is very willing to meet up with her anytime she wants to. So that is a problem too.

Even though we have being mostly friendly the past couple days, she still won't show any affection to me or try to touch me in anyway. She did quit shutting the door when she showers or changes clothes though. It's still weird though because I don't really want her to see me naked for some reason. Even though I am in good shape now and feeling attractive, I still feel weird letting her see me naked. It also feels weird trying to touch her or to hold hands.

It sounds like you are familiar with Plan A. I just want to point out that this is not Plan A behavior. Fighting with her and moping around will only make you less attractive, and will make the OM more attractive. You need to stop brawling with her. You can tell her the A hurts you terribly without fighting or moping.

You should consider moving. Are you going for a minimum of 15 hours/week of fun dates with no relationship discussion?

You shouldn't argue but you should not agree for her to continue Facebook or any other contact with OM.

Did you expose the affair or was she the one who told?

Good points. I was doing plan A perfectly for about a week and she came to me and said she cut off contact with OM. So that made me try to move a little quicker and I started "suggesting" boundaries, but that just caused us to fight more. It looks like as long as I completely stick to plan A, she starts making the correct decisions herself.

I just wish she would cut off all possible contact with OM and start seriously trying to reconcile. It sounds like he isn't contacting her much, except for an occasional question here and there. I'm scared he is going to eventually say something though that hooks her back in. She is a sucker for whenever he mentions that he is taking his divorce and ending the affair very badly.

We went on a date the other night and she enjoyed herself. I am also joining her jiu jitsu class (at her request) that she goes to two nights a week. I have always wanted to join in the past but never did, so it's not just a fake attempt on my part.

It is nearly impossible for us to move right now. We don't make a lot of money, and need to stay near our families to help with childcare.

What on this list has been done? What is left to do?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You don't need to fight with her, but you do need to be clear that the affair is extremely painful for you. You need to clear that not only does all contact need to end, but all avenues of contact need to be eliminated. This include Facebook -- it needs to be shutdown and blocked.

If Facebook is not shutdown and blocked, you will have no hope of recovery.

Do not fight her over it. But do be very clear that you need this to happen.

YOU need to expose this affair. It doesn't matter if she has already told her family, YOU need to be the one who talks to them. Have you done so?


If you do not move, your chances of recovery are very slim. The OM will be a constant threat.

Things seem to be heading in the right direction right now, but from the things she said prior to this week I don't see how her feelings can ever return. She said she has no feelings for me. She said she doesn't think she ever loved me the way she loved OM. Since I was her only boyfriend and lover until OM came along, she said she thinks she can never be happy with me now that she knows how happy someone else can make her.
She also told me (at my insistence) sexual things that she did with OM that she never even came close to doing with me. She also says she can't remember any of the good memories from our past that I try to remind her of.

But after all that, she does seem to be getting better for the past week. I just wonder if anyone has ever recovered from such hostility and anger and saved their marriage?

She did tell her mom and sisters and one coworker, I exposed it to everyone else. OM's wife exposed it to her job.

Yes, all the time. What she is saying is very typical and no surprise. Just about every WW says the same thing. IF the plan is followed closely, with no cherry-picking, then none of what she says will matter. This can be saved, and your marriage can be better than it ever was. But the steps must be followed -- recovery is a very narrow road.

Can you go over that checklist and tell us what has been done, and what is left to do?

You need to talk to her family. They need to hear from you, and how painful this is for you.

Totally normal.

People like to pretend falling in love is a mysterious process. It isn't. If you follow the program, you both can be in love again.

I didn't know there was a checklist. I just read about plan A on the website and I thought all there was to it was to try to meet as many of her needs as possible while not mentioning the affair or anything negative.

I talked to her sister about the affair. She seems to be more into the tough love approach by telling WW that the affair is wrong, and by telling me I should just move on and will be better off eventually.

I tried to talk to her mom, but she is a hardcore enabler and will take my wife's side on anything. Even if my wife decides to start using heroin, her mom will be the one to buy it for her and try to supply her with clean needles.

I was debating telling her dad. He lives in another state, hasn't had much of a presence in her life, and also abuses drugs. I don't know what the effect of telling him would be and I am afraid to find out.

I posted it for you above.

The big missing piece here is exposure. You have not done a comprehensive exposure. Exposure is absolutely critical because it is the most likely to kill the affair and motivate them to end the affair. You should expose to your wife's family, your kids, and most especially the OMs family and friends. You should be reaching out to the OMs parents and family members and asking them to persuade this POS to leave your marriage alone. Are you in touch with the OM's wife comparing notes?

Please go read my exposure thread and come back and let's talk.