OM is still seperated. Their divorce will be final in a week.

Right now I know they talk on facebook messenger. I can't see who she is talking to, but I can see she is on messenger and ignoring my phone texts. I can't prove who she is talking to until I find a way to look in her messenger. She has been responding to my texts all day until I see she is on messenger and then my texts start getting ignored.

Am I even really in a plan A if the only reason we are together is because she feels sorry for the kids not being able to see me much after we seperate? She hasn't agreed to be transparent or even to start working on the marriage. The closest I have come to beginning recovery is her saying she blocked OM from any contact and being fairly nice every other day or so. But everytime she blocks contact and seems to be in withdrawal, a day or two later she is back in a good mood and keeping her phone glued to her hip.

I don't see how I will get her to agree to move right now if she won't even agree to be transparent.

If I go into Facebook messenger and it says someone is "active now" or "active 5 minutes ago", does that mean they are using the messenger to talk to someone or does it say "active now" just because they are on facebook?

It just means they have been logged into FB for that amount of time, doesn't actually mean they used it 5 minutes ago.

Your wife's behavior is exactly the same as my WW after D-Day. She pretended to want to work on the M but was plotting D the whole time. My WW was doing the same thing, alternating between cold and warm. She also hid her phone and would not give me the passwords.

You are not in Recovery. You need to up your surveillance game. Did you get the VARs?

Where does this information come from? The OM's wife?


So if she is still in contact, then you should DEMAND that she end her affair and cut off all contact. Keep this on the front burner until she ends her affair.

And what EXACTLY did the OM's mother and father say about the affair? Are they helping you?


Plan A is not about HER but about you. IT means you a) work to kill the affair and b) do your best to present an attractive picture. She won't allow you to meet her needs, but let her know you will meet her needs if she ends her affair.


Then what is the plan?? What is her plan?


You should start making plans to move away. Not immediately, of course, but in the next 3 to 6 months. It doesn't matter if she agrees today. You can move away at some point and she can follow you. That is your ONLY hope. Your marriage will never recover living there with the OM. Never.

Plan A is the plan used to break up an affair and get your wife out the fog, by doing whatever you can to break up the affair (exposure, running off OM) and presenting yourself as the best option (not fighting, being your best self, doing nice things for her, etc.). It is separate than recovery. You seem to think you Plan A is a part of recovery and that is not the case.

If you successfully bust up the A, and your wife agrees to recover the marriage, at that point you will work toward a marriage that is better than it was pre-A and is safeguarded from future A's. That will include BOTH of you practicing a marriage of extraordinary care, not just you (such as it is with Plan A). You are no where near recovery yet, as you know.

I got the info about divorce from OM's wife. I'm trying not to talk to her much anymore, because she is trying to cause more damage than I am comfortable with (borderline illegal).

My wife doesn't really have a plan. Last we discussed, was just her stopping all contact with OM and getting over him and then figuring out a plan. A few days ago she was hanging on by a thread. Now she is a fraction more afraid to divorce me. She coukd still go either way really. And honestly, I am not sure I can ever be happy with her. I want her to get over OM and see if she returns to somewhere close to the girl I used to love. I still don't know if I can get over the affair. I had to quit thinking about it until I can figure out how to get her to stay.

I was able to get into her Facebook and messenger accounts since they stay open on the iPad. I don't know passwords if they get closed though. But it appears she was telling the truth about blocking OM from it. He doesn't appear in the search. Of course she deleted their prior conversation though. But they coukd still use kik messenger or something else.
I wish there was a way to reopen the cloud on the iPad. She used to have her phone texts linked to the iPad through the cloud. But I don't know the password or username.

Hi Dollarbob,

I'm praying for you. Don't waste valuable time trying to rationalize your WW behavior, my wife was saying exactly the same things. Affairs are like watching the same old movie, over and over again.

That's what's so weird about all this. She was always different than every other girl I ever met. But the way she is acting now is exactly following the script.

OM's father is dead, but his mom just said apologized for him and said he is just confused. She blamed it mostly on his ex wife though. She doesn't appear to be much help.

The person who could help the most is my wife's sister, but she thinks because we fought so much for the past year or two that we are unfixable. She doesn't understand that we fought so much because the affair was going on that whole time, even though I was unaware. Plus she is in med school and has very little time. But she has been good at getting my WW to feel a little guilt.

I thought my WW was unique too until she started saying the same exact words (in almost the same sequence) as most of the posts on this forum. It's almost like they memorized it when they went to Affair School!

So right now she claims to be in full no contact with OM. We are getting along pretty good. No fighting and no more angry outbursts from her. I even made her laugh once or twice. She doesn't seem to be in withdrawal though. So I assume they are having contact that I haven't discovered yet. Earlier, I asked her why isn't she sad any (she knows what I mean from me talking about withdrawal so much before I started plan A). She just stared at me for a few seconds and said "I thought I said I didn't want to talk about that?"

Sometimes while lying in bed I will rub the hair on her head or rub her shoulder. In the mornings I have been kissing her on the forehead when I leave for work and she is still laying in bed. Should I stop the physical attention and focus on just being friendly and helpful, or keep doing that?

Have you asked her on fun dates?

What was your intent by asking her this? You should keep the focus on you and her building a better marriage. If this was your idea of trying to get her to confess that's she's still in contact that's a bad idea. You need to spy and stop believing you can trust what she says. She's in an affair fog remember.

If she's continuing to communicate with him then you confront her.

Plan A helps in two ways. It, hopefully, helps your WW find feelings for you again and it leaves a remembrance of what kind of spouse you are should she decide to leave the M.

You need to do whatever you can to meet her needs while you spy. What you've explained here sounds like very nice things to do and so long as she isn't pushing you away I'd say keep doing them. Meet the needs she allows you to and work on the ones she's reluctant on.

What are you doing to become the happy, fun guy she would love to be around?

By some of your posts I get the impression you're too busy navel gazing trying to determine what she's thinking. Your job right now is to entice her while validating that she's stopped contact. Get busy.

Did I miss something? Is there a reason you can't put a keylogger or some other form of spyware on this iPad that she uses FB on?

I asked her on dates a little bit. We went to the movies a few days ago. I'm going to try to do something fun this weekend too. We have pretty much been spending all of our leisure time together. The only times we are apart really is when we are both at work. She used to leave a lot and go to the "store" for an hour or so, and that's when her phone activity woukd increase dramatically. But she hasn't been leaving to go anywhere by herself since supposedly going "no contact".

Hypothetically, if she really is following the no contact policy like she says, should she already be showing guilt and remorse and a willingness to repair the marriage, or would all that still take a while? A few other people told me their spouses took about 6 months AFTER ending the affair before they started to show remorse.

Also, I was able to get into all of her chat accounts that I could find. It looks like those are all clear. Any past communication has been deleted I'm sure, but there is nothing new going on.

She doesn't use the iPad anymore and hasn't used it in a while. Luckily the last time she did use it she didn't close facebook out.

By asking if she was sad, that was my attempt to remind her that it will still hurt me if she contacts OM. That was the only way I could think to bring it up without openly asking if she contacted him.

Don't ask her. Just find out by being a super sleuth. When you find out she's in contact THEN tell her how much it hurts you.

Suppose I find out she sends him a text. Do I tell her I know she contacted him, or do I just remind her that if she does it will hurt me? It looks like their only form of communication is instagram, so if I tell her I know they talked, she is going to figure out that I saw it on instagram.

When you find contact, you should DEMAND that she end her affair. but you should also accept that this will be your future if you don't move. Are you willing to accept that?

The purpose of spying is to end the affair so it is important that you use that Intel to persuade her to end her affair.

I'm looking into moving. I have a meeting with my boss later to see about positions open in other states. The company has jobs all over the country.