Again, I hate to get all psychobabbly, but you really DEFLECT a lot. It's as if when we talk about an issue you act like you just touched a stove and need to jump away real quick to something else.

Can you talk about problems you cause without leaping immediately to problems she causes, in the same breath?

So, how about going to the beach or other places to look at other women in order to get aroused? When you first brought this up, you didn't talk like you thought it was a bad idea.

I honestly do not see the disrespect. I am only being honest. I know we need to spend concentrated time together and I have asked her to go to Mexico with me but she won't go. I am so exhausted by all the talking that I have asked her if I can go alone. She doesn't want that either. All the time I have this knot in my stomach that won't go away.

It will be easier to lose that weight when she's in love with you, Indiana. You're her biggest obstacle right now. Can you start taking her on dates, 20-25 hours a week?

If you feel so bad that you can't stick to the plan, you need to see your doctor about prescribing some short term antidepressants. Let him know you are having marital trouble and that you are following a plan to improve things but that you are so emotional that it is difficult to stick to the plan, and that you need some help to even out the emotional highs and lows and help you keep rational so that you can do what you need to do for now.

As for Mexico....I can see why she would refuse to go. Why would she want to go when she knows that you will be tempted to gawk and compare? You have spoiled any possible relaxation she could have by the beach!

A long trip can jumpstart the intimacy, but it cannot replace the necessary habit of 15 hours of dating your wife every single week. Please start a proper consistent UA habit. No discussing problems on a date. Can you start this today?

Being critical is an honest expression of your true feelings. But it is still disrespectful.

Have you read the book Lovebusters?

Focus on dates for now. Try to do something active and not food related, its summer so think hiking walking, canoeing etc.

My husband wants me to lose weight and I Am. But we took a long path to this point. Unfortunately, early in our marriage, my H decided to monitor and comment on everything I ate. At the time I had a normal weight. Avoiding these critisms caused me to develop bad habits. I gained a bit of weight and eventually told him he wasnt helping me and to leave me be.

But now I had bad eating habits. When I developed some health problems, my weight skyrocketed. My husband now shows me kindness though. We go on dates all the time and I am very in love. This is so motivating because I want to meet his need for an attractive spouse. We realized for me to lose the weight, he cant be active in the process at all. He can compliment me and plan non-food dates with me but no advice. Instead, I found a specialist who deals with the same health issues and lost the weight. I was on an extreme diet to start that was carefully monitored. I've lost 30#. I'm now on a less extreme diet and still losing weight.

My points: 1. being in love is a powerful motivator for meeting the needs of the beloved. 2. My husband has to stay away from the process or it hurts too much.

None of us believe you are wrong for your PA need. You are going about getting it met in the wrong way. You are right to remove avenues for comparison such as your DVD player from your immediate area. You could also consider areas of PA that she can be successful in immediately, such as flattering clothing, hair, etc.

Your wife will find losing weight easier when she is in love again. Since you are asking for help to get your need meet, we are focusing on your behavior.

No, don't separate. Implement the MB plan fully, help your wife fall in love again, convince your wife of the value of the program so she wants to do it too.

Also, consider stopping all TV and social media. These things are envy generators making a happy satisfied life nearly impossible.

Are you saying here that you have both tried to do the program but are falling short in vaious ways? If so, I highly recommend doing theonline accountability program. Your wife will feel controlled if you are at a dead end with her and you try to use Dr. Harley's books to motivate her. Better options are for you both to have the coaching program where a 3rd party calls attention to your shortcomings or for you to do as many have stated and put the program into practice on your end, without misinterpreting or cutting corners. Marcos and Prisca have offered to take you under their wing on that. What do you think about this post?

Markos has an old post on type of DJ that may be slipping into your conversation...i will try to find it.

Indiana, don't get discouraged. Let the folks here help you get a good plan together and you're going to be completely amazed with the results

I wrote my wife this letter: I am writing to share my feelings. I am feeling exhausted from all the talking. I am feeling hurt. I desperately need some majorly pleasant UA recreational time. I have been trying to communicate this since we came home from Florida.

I am feeling terribly frustrated that weeks are going by and this need is going unmet.

Do you understand that you are NEVER going to feel the need for this to the extent I feel it? HWSW p.52-53. This pattern of waiting until YOU "feel like going" is NEVER going to be enough.

I am feeling SO angry that I have had to endure years of this practice when you have had the counsel from Harley the whole time.

I am feeling "at the end of my rope"
END OF LETTER

I need have sun and warmth and beach to qualify as "majorly pleasant" and she will not go. I need sun and warmth and a beach to treat my depression. I am asking if she will agree to me going alone. She won't. What can I do now?

You can learn to POJA and stop making demands.

You have already told this forum that you enjoy beaches because of the fit body's that get you sexually aroused. WHY ON EARTH would you expect your wife to want to go on a vacation to these locations, knowing that??? Now you are saying it is to treat your depression. There are many ways to treat depression that do not harm your marriage, and I do not believe that is your primary reasoning for wanting to frequent these areas.

Asking her to allow you to go alone is equally marriage wrecking and again she would be foolish to agree to this.

You asking her to do either of these marriage wrecking things is not going to salvage your marriage, it is going to make things worse.

Do you want to have a marriage of extraordinary care, or do you want to get your way at the expense of your wife???

People here are willing to help you get your needs met by using this program, but it seems you want to bully your wife into submission instead.

Dr Harley would not council your wife to sacrifice. He would not council either of you to spend your UA time on beaches where you oogle other women. He would not council your wife to let you go do this ALONE.

Don't use this program as a way to manipulate her.

Would you like to do Marriage Builders?

I feel I have been "doing" Marriage Builders for years. I understand that I have done some things wrong, but they were reactions to my wife's gaining weight. I initiated the UA time that we did have and at times it was like pulling teeth to get her to go with me. Now, I know we need to spend more than the 15 hours per week together but I can't get her to go anywhere with me. What should I do?

Did you read the 5+ links I posted to Marriage Builders articles?

Do you have the app yet and are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio program, daily?

Have you seen your doctor about antidepressants, yet?

Have you done these things, yet? Especially the apology to your wife - I'd like to know if you've done that.

You mean you want to REPEAT the offense?????

Faint.

Dr. Harley doesn't recommend sun and warmth and a beach and women in bikinis to arouse you. What program are you following that recommends this.