I wrote my wife this letter: I am writing to share my feelings. I am feeling exhausted from all the talking. I am feeling hurt. I desperately need some majorly pleasant UA recreational time. I have been trying to communicate this since we came home from Florida.

I am feeling terribly frustrated that weeks are going by and this need is going unmet.

Do you understand that you are NEVER going to feel the need for this to the extent I feel it? HWSW p.52-53. This pattern of waiting until YOU "feel like going" is NEVER going to be enough.

I am feeling SO angry that I have had to endure years of this practice when you have had the counsel from Harley the whole time.

I am feeling "at the end of my rope"
END OF LETTER

I need have sun and warmth and beach to qualify as "majorly pleasant" and she will not go. I need sun and warmth and a beach to treat my depression. I am asking if she will agree to me going alone. She won't. What can I do now?

Hello everyone. I am the wife of the man in this thread. He is encouraging me to write to get your input. Right now he has taken "Love Busters" pg. 300 where Dr. Harley talks about UA time and recommends that they go away together for two or three weeks and is saying "Dr. Harley says to go away together." I don't want to go. What is your advice?

Still the wife here. We have not spent 15 hours a week together, probably 3-4 hours UA per week although we are together a lot. His work is very flexible at this point. I am honestly not highly motivated to spend much time at all even though I know I need to in order for our marriage to survive. Do you have any advice for me?

The reason I have so much difficulty getting couples to spend time alone together is that when I first see them for counseling, they are not in love. Their relationship does not do anything for them, and the time spent with each other seems like a total waste at first. But when they spend time together, they learn to re-create the romantic experiences that first nurtured their love relationship. Without that time, they have little hope of restoring the love they once had for each other.

But fifteen hours a week is usually not nearly enough time for couples that are not yet in love. To help them jump-start their relationship, I usually suggest twenty-five or thirty hours a week of undivided attention until they are both in love with each other again.

If you have not been in the habit of spending 15 hours a week for undivided attention, it will mean that something less important will have to go. But it will radically change your life for the better, because you will be investing in one of the single most important parts of your life -- your relationship with your spouse.

If you're not yet convinced, a Q&A column and an article I've written that may help you understand the importance of undivided attention are, We Don't Spend Enough Time with Each Other, and Why Women Leave Men.

You and your spouse fell in love with each other because you met some of each other's most important emotional needs, and the only way to stay in love is to keep meeting those needs. Even when the feeling of love begins to fade, or when it's gone entirely, it's not necessarily gone for good. It can be recovered whenever you both go back to being an expert at making Love Bank deposits. First, be sure you know what each other's needs are (complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire). Then, learn to meet those needs in a way that is fulfilling to your spouse, and enjoyable for you, too.

Meeting important emotional needs is only half of the story, however. While that's how couples make the most Love Bank deposits, they must be sure that they're not making Love Bank withdrawals.

Hello everyone. I am the wife of the man in this thread. He is encouraging me to write to get your input. Right now he has taken "Love Busters" pg. 300 where Dr. Harley talks about UA time and recommends that they go away together for two or three weeks and is saying "Dr. Harley says to go away together." I don't want to go. What is your advice?

My wife and I are having a discussion concerning treatment of my depression. It was calm. However, at one point she says very intensely " YOU ARE WRONG!!" Is that an example of a disrespectful judgement?

My wife and I are having a discussion concerning treatment of my depression.

Your answer tells me that it is a lovebuster. You misunderstand concerning going alone on a vacation.This was not done coersively. It was a request for reciprocation for the last time we were apart where she went to do something that she wanted to do and I stayed home with the kids. A vacation, preferably with her but without if necessary,is my proposition for treatment of my depression. We have done it many times, always together,but when she did not want to go I simply suggested I go myself. That solution does not appeal to her, but none of her suggestions even come close to an all-inclusive Carribean resort.

It was a request for reciprocation for the last time we were apart where she went to do something that she wanted to do and I stayed home with the kids. A vacation, preferably with her but without if necessary,is my proposition for treatment of my depression.