|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
My wife and I are having a discussion concerning treatment of my depression. It was calm. However, at one point she says very intensely " YOU ARE WRONG!!" Is that an example of a disrespectful judgement? Indiana, it would be disrespectful for your wife to tell you that you are wrong. It would also be disrespectful for you to tell her that you have to have a vacation to treat your depression. On one hand, you feel like you need a vacation. But on the other hand, you are being controlling (demanding). Can you see how from her perspective, you are using your depression as justification to bully her? So she is now responsible for your depression if she doesn't accommodate your desire for a specific solution? Can you please respond to this?
Last edited by DidntQuit; 05/05/16 12:30 PM. Reason: clarity. so sorry.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Your answer tells me that it is a lovebuster. You misunderstand concerning going alone on a vacation.This was not done coersively. It was a request for reciprocation for the last time we were apart where she went to do something that she wanted to do and I stayed home with the kids. A vacation, preferably with her but without if necessary,is my proposition for treatment of my depression. We have done it many times, always together,but when she did not want to go I simply suggested I go myself. That solution does not appeal to her, but none of her suggestions even come close to an all-inclusive Carribean resort. So stop requesting it. You need to take carribean vacations OFF THE TABLE. STOP asking for "reciprocation." Find a way to treat your "depression" that appeals to you BOTH. DON'T do anything that is bad for your marriage such as separate vacations OR going to the beach to gawk at half naked women. <----take that off the table entirely. If you are depressed due to a lack of sun, go to the tanning booth and start taking weekly doses of vitamin D. Have you checked your vit D levels?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Your answer tells me that it is a lovebuster. You misunderstand concerning going alone on a vacation.This was not done coersively. It was a request for reciprocation for the last time we were apart where she went to do something that she wanted to do and I stayed home with the kids. A vacation, preferably with her but without if necessary,is my proposition for treatment of my depression. We have done it many times, always together,but when she did not want to go I simply suggested I go myself. That solution does not appeal to her, but none of her suggestions even come close to an all-inclusive Carribean resort. Can you go to Alaska or somewhere where the women are covered up, instead? How do you all feel about Alaska? It is a beautiful state!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
A long trip can jumpstart the intimacy, but it cannot replace the necessary habit of 15 hours of dating your wife every single week. Please start a proper consistent UA habit. No discussing problems on a date. Can you start this today? Reposting this from several days ago. You still seem to be focusing on a trip away instead of establishing a lifelong habit of 15 UA hours. The goal should be to finetune those dates until they are enjoyable, and as a dual track, get medical help for the depression. It feels to me like you are ignoring all of the advice to start dating your wife. What is the obstacle to doing that?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73 |
You also misunderstand. Believe me, I know depression is long term, I live with it every day. This was not a single vacation, we did not go in December as planned (the darkest month - we live in the north) We did go to sun destinations January one week February one week March 2 weeks (March was a family vacation- not much pleasant UA time) So this is part of a regimen we have been doing for some time. Conflict and abuse are some of my triggers hence my previous question. My wife disagrees with me that this is abusive but believe me I can feel it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
When will you take your wife out on a date?
This program will not work unless you start getting 20 hours UA each week.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
You cannot use the program to force your wife on a vacation she doesn't want to go on.
Drop the beach idea. She doesn't want to do it, and if you were actually following the MB program, you would respect that and try to find another solution.
When will you take her out on a date?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
You also misunderstand. Believe me, I know depression is long term, I live with it every day. This was not a single vacation, we did not go in December as planned (the darkest month - we live in the north) We did go to sun destinations January one week February one week March 2 weeks (March was a family vacation- not much pleasant UA time) So this is part of a regimen we have been doing for some time. Conflict and abuse are some of my triggers hence my previous question. My wife disagrees with me that this is abusive but believe me I can feel it. How has she "abused" you? So far I only see evidence that you are abusing her by trying to control her by forcing this vacation idea on her. Control is an abusive tactic. YOU ARE ABUSING HER. Drop the Caribbean vacation idea and don't bring it up again. You have no business going to beach resorts where you can gawk at women. How is she abusing you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
What else are you doing to treat your depression other than going to 'sun destinations?'
I also live in the north and have never heard of treating long term depression this way. I feel like you are using this method of 'treatment' as an opportunity to manipulate your wife into going to beaches for alternative reasons.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
You are getting a lot of advice here, and keep coming back to explain your position. Do you want to change your situation or keep it as it is? Your position on things, what you are currently doing, has wrecked your marriage. If you want to change that you need to start working this program and stop explaining why you are doing what you are doing. It has obviously not been working for you.
Do you want to change things or not?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
For vacation we travel to the Caribbean where plenty of women show their fit bodies. It is easier to be aroused there, but she won't go as often as I would like and what about the rest of the year? This is why you should stay away from the beaches. Don't go anywhere where you are aroused by other women. Take that OFF the table entirely. Look at Alaska, Grand Canyon, Charleston, the Alamo, Gettysburg or any other great vacation places. The sun shines year round in Texas, for example. You could go visit Austin, Dallas, Fredicksburg and many other places in the south. [as long as it is not a beach. You could even tour Galveston as long as you stayed away from the beach. Lots of sunshine there! How would your wife feel about any of those places?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73 |
As for the "gawking" as you put it, I think you may have jumped to some conclusions. Watching movies with sex scenes was consensual. We only did it a couple of times years ago, and when she was too uncomfortable we never did it again and I have not pushed for it. The women on the beach are just there. When you go to the beach are you gawking? Can you go to the beach and not compare your wife to anyone? So can I. The fact that I am more easily aroused there is the product of many factors of which being able to truly relax, not having to compete for my wifes undivided attention, and feeling my depression lifting are chief.As for watching the movies on my own,I apologized,and gave her the DVD player before I ever wrote to you. Maybe you would care to re-read my original post. You did answer the separation question for which I thank you
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
As for the "gawking" as you put it, I think you may have jumped to some conclusions. Watching movies with sex scenes was consensual. We only did it a couple of times years ago, and when she was too uncomfortable we never did it again and I have not pushed for it. The women on the beach are just there. When you go to the beach are you gawking? Can you go to the beach and not compare your wife to anyone? So can I. Apparently you are using the experience to get aroused by the women, AS YOU TOLD US IN YOUR FIRST POST, so that is why you should not go there. The second reason is that your wife does not agree. The fact that I am more easily aroused there is the product of many factors of which being able to truly relax, not having to compete for my wifes undivided attention, and feeling my depression lifting are chief.As for watching the movies on my own,I apologized,and gave her the DVD player before I ever wrote to you. Maybe you would care to re-read my original post. You did answer the separation question for which I thank you I did re-read your post. And you have no business going anywhere you are aroused by the women. If you get "aroused" by the women in Home Depot, then stay the hell out of Home Depot. Its real simple.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
If you need sunshine, what is wrong with the tanning booth?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
If you need sunshine, what is wrong with the tanning booth? Or a blue light? Have you seen a doctor for your depression? The goal is for you to have your wife's UA at least 15 hours during the week. What keeps your dates from feeling like a relaxing vacation?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
You also misunderstand. Believe me, I know depression is long term, I live with it every day. This was not a single vacation, we did not go in December as planned (the darkest month - we live in the north) We did go to sun destinations January one week February one week March 2 weeks (March was a family vacation- not much pleasant UA time) So this is part of a regimen we have been doing for some time. Conflict and abuse are some of my triggers hence my previous question. My wife disagrees with me that this is abusive but believe me I can feel it. Were you addressing me with this post when you say that I don't understand?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 73 |
I do not get aroused by women on the beach. I do not go to the beach for the purpose of being aroused. My original post states clearly that it is "easier to be aroused there", that is on vacation which I explain elsewhere that there are multiple reasons why this is the case.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
I do not get aroused by women on the beach. I do not go to the beach for the purpose of being aroused. My original post states clearly that it is "easier to be aroused there", that is on vacation which I explain elsewhere that there are multiple reasons why this is the case. Ultimately it doesn't matter why you go there. Your wife is not enthusiastic about going, so you need to find an alternative that you are BOTH happy with. Many suggestions have been made as to how you can get sunshine that she may be more enthusiastic about. What is your response to those?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I do not get aroused by women on the beach. I do not go to the beach for the purpose of being aroused. My original post states clearly that it is "easier to be aroused there", that is on vacation which I explain elsewhere that there are multiple reasons why this is the case. You said this in your initial post: For vacation we travel to the Caribbean where plenty of women show their fit bodies. It is easier to be aroused there, but she won't go as often as I would like and what about the rest of the year? Even so, your wife does not agree that you should go there so this needs to be dropped. Trying to force your will on your wife is an attempt to control her, which is abusive. Go back and brainstorm with her to see if there are other places she would like to go. If not, the default position is to do nothing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
In that same post you wrote: We have tried a few times to watch movies with sex scenes and they were arousing but she felt too uncomfortable. For vacation we travel to the Caribbean where plenty of women show their fit bodies. It is easier to be aroused there, but she won't go as often as I would like and what about the rest of the year?
Approximately 5 years ago she told me I should prepare myself for the possibility that she might be overweight the rest of our lives. After that I began to watch videos with attractive actresses (not pornography) and masturbate when my wife was not around, about 1-2 times per month on average. This was not a strict secret, I would not volunteer, but if she would ask me I would tell her. About a year ago she became very offended about this practice, insisting that it must stop, talking of divorce. (She has talked of divorce periodically throughout the last 16 years). I know I am failing to care but I so much need to be aroused by what I see. In other words, you get aroused by gawping at women, which harms your ability to be aroused by your wife.. The solution is to remove the source of arousal so you are only aroused by your wife. I am trying to explain why this is bad for your marriage. But the overriding reason is that your wife does not want to go.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (whwh747474),
473
guests, and
54
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
