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No! Never apologize for protecting your marriage. She is the liar here; she will need to prove she is no longer lying before you accept what she says at face value. Further, you have evry right to interfere with her affair. It is your marriage too.

Exposure and snooping are part of PlanA, dont apologize for doing the right thing.

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I was thinking of sending a text today to say "I'm sorry for accusing you of meeting OM at wal mart. I thought I saw you both but I believe you that you didn't meet him. I am proud that you have been doing good without contacting him, but I still need transparency. Your affair and actions afterwards have caused me the worst pain of my life, and I need your passwords to be able to feel safe and start trusting again and to make this marriage wonderful for both of us."

How does that sound?
NO!!! Do NOT send that! There was absolutely nothing wrong with you thinking that she had met up with OM. She's not giving you transparency, and as I've been saying all along, you must ASSUME she is in contact until you have evidence otherwise.

Do not apologize for that. Continue to insist on transparency. If she doesn't want you thinking she's meeting OM at Walmart, that's an easy thing for her to fix.

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I heard her tell her friend she doesn't want to live with me driving around to spy on her and that she is only here now because of the kids and I am making her not like me by spying.
Nothing surprising there. I only stayed with markos because of the kids, too. You have a huge advantage over the OM by simply being the father of her children. There is more logic in her relationship with you because of this than there is with OM. And family commitment is HUGE for most women. Use that to your advantage.

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Last night we went to exercise together and I executed plan A flawlessly. I got her back to laughing and talking.
Keep that up!


Markos' Wife
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I want to say something this morning since I heard the recording of her telling everything to her friend. It bothers me a lot hearing that and her thinking she is justified in not being transparent because her friend agrees. Neither of them have ever been cheated on before so they don't know the pain.

I guess I will just repeat the same stuff about needing transparency. But I also feel I should put in a little more time of getting her to laugh and talk more before doing that, since yesterday she was adamant about wanting a divorce. Does that make sense, or should I bring it up again this morning even if it sends her to a lawyer?

Last edited by Dollarbob; 05/12/16 09:55 AM.
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Bob,

I understand you wanting to say something because you're hearing what we know to be an improper way to have a great marriage. However, you cannot educate her. Hopefully someday she'll educate herself but until then you're going to have suffer the burden and do the hard work for your M.

Your goal right now is to get her to agree to transparency. You do that by continuing to repeat the same message over and over until she has put in place all of the necessary EPs.

She's in the fog so any attempt to educate her will fall on deaf ears. It will just become an argument. You simply keep stating what you need in order for your relationship to move forward and you keep snooping.

As far as getting her to laugh and talk more before you state your repeated message I don't think it's a prerequisite.

Goal #1a: Calmly state what you need for EPs so that you can someday regain some level of trust.
Goal #1b: Plan A her. Fill her needs. Make her laugh and have fun with her.


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How do I catch her if she has a prepaid cellphone that she may keep at work? Her office only has a few employees and they are all allied with her. So they can't help.

Any ideas?

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She just resumed her birth control for the first time since d-day. I assumed this was a good sign for me until I got to thinking it could be for OM. Is it OK to ask why she started that, even though it will probably start a fight?

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Also, we are going to the beach this evening to spend the weekend (with the kids). Should I still mention the transparency this morning or just focus on having a good plan A this weekend? I want to tell her when she is on her way to work that I still need transparency.

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***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 05/13/16 10:37 AM. Reason: TOS: Non-MB advice
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***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 05/13/16 10:38 AM. Reason: TOS: Non-MB advice
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They aren't in recovery and he does need to keep bringing up this problem.


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Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Also, we are going to the beach this evening to spend the weekend (with the kids). Should I still mention the transparency this morning or just focus on having a good plan A this weekend? I want to tell her when she is on her way to work that I still need transparency.
Mentioning transparency IS a good Plan A.This is an active affair. You need to keep the problem on the front burner by bringing it up everyday.


Markos' Wife
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Originally Posted by Dollarbob
She just resumed her birth control for the first time since d-day. I assumed this was a good sign for me until I got to thinking it could be for OM. Is it OK to ask why she started that, even though it will probably start a fight?

No, just keep bringing up the need for transparency and the checklist. Let her know you're not willing to share her. Let her know you can build a great marriage together.


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Ok. I sent a message about needing transparency and building a great marriage, same as always. She replied, "I'm not doing anything wrong. I gave you access to my phone. Stop sending me messages like this."
I replied that I need passwords so I can trust again and make sure there is no contact so we can build a great marriage. She replied "I don't have any passwords." I just ignored it and started talking about our trip this evening and we had a regular nice conversation. I assume I did the right thing. I assume I shouldn't keep going back and forth about transparency all at once and cause a fight and lose my chance at plan A on our weekend trip. I will make a few more comments about transparency during the weekend and then hit it hard again when we get back home. Does this sound like a good plan?

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I assume I shouldn't keep going back and forth about transparency all at once and cause a fight
You are correct. You shouldn't argue about it with her at all.
If she wants to argue, just shrug and say "This is just what I need in our marriage." And move on to talking about something else.

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Does this sound like a good plan?
Yes.


Markos' Wife
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Also, I need some encouragement. I read the thread the other commenter posted (I recognized that the advice about not mentioning the affair was accidental). I saw a lot of similarities in the beginning of the thread. Some parts I seemed to have a better shot and some I seemed worse off.

I feel like I am on the right path, but still have a long way to go to start recovery.

Those of you who have followed this from the beginning, would you say I am winning the battle or just slowly losing?

From what I can tell, it seems like she went from originally wanting to be with OM and divorce me, to realising they can't be together in real life. I think she is still unsure about me, but she realizes her and OM can never have a normal relationship after the exposure and everything. She is just having a hard time letting go and wants to be friends with him.

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You're right that you still have a long way to go, but you HAVE come a long way from where you were. You are making progress.

The ultimate decision to give up her drug of choice will have to be hers. What you are doing is showing her that you are the better option. She may choose not to take the better option, but that will all be on her.

You are giving your marriage the best chance it has to recover. And you're doing very well at it, so keep it up.


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***EDIT***


Last edited by Toujours; 05/13/16 12:48 PM. Reason: TOS: Non-MB advice
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***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 05/13/16 12:49 PM. Reason: TOS: Non-MB advice
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Originally Posted by Ever2Late
***EDIT***

Ever2late, bringing up the affair IS PLAN A.

Last edited by Toujours; 05/13/16 12:50 PM. Reason: removing quote

Markos' Wife
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Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders principles, or refrain from posting.

Do not disrupt this thread again.


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