So glad.

Markos: The Harley's did ask me if I wanted him to be on the program, but at that point he was feeling very unwell and had no energy to even email.

Brainhurts: Thanks. I appreciate that.

MelodyLane: Thanks for the article, you have to love this: ""However, by lowering insulin drastically during fasting or alternate daily fasting, the body does not shut down. Instead, it switches fuel sources. No food in coming in. Insulin falls. Your body has a choice. It can reduce calorie expenditure to zero, also known technically as �dropping dead�."" LOL.

Of course I am going to try this. I have heard of it in other places but there is so much misinformation about it out there.

I really have enormous respect for Dr Fung and so does my local doctor. My doctor is really happy with the results so far. In fact, it has completely reversed my type 2 diabetes and I am off all meds now.

If you need any help, let me know!

So...I listened to the radio program my husband did yesterday. Are you kidding me??? For 10 years I have been hearing regularly how much my weight causes him so much pain, and now all of a sudden I am unattractive because of a more important underlying reason, because I interrupt, change the topic, and don't answer his questions. WHAAAAAAAATTTTT??????

4 months ago, my husband told me our marriage is better than it has ever been because I am meeting his needs well, except for Attractive Spouse, and much of me was attractive.

However, the parts of me that were unattractive caused him so much pain and he felt was responsible for the pain in his gut and the fact that I put off our December vacation to mid January caused his depression.

We argued about his application of the Marriage Builders material. Now he is saying it is something different.

But we are supposed to go out and have a good time together. I asked him the same question Joyce did, because there was a significant pause between her question and his "Yes, now" answer. I asked him if he truly did realize how hurtful and offensive his comments have been or if he just said Yes because he knows that is the right answer. His response was something to the effect that he only lashed out at me because I was causing him so much pain.

So my question is: Why did Dr. Harley not address this terrible pain that justifies what he has been saying to me? Why is it that no one has said, "yes, you have been saying hurtful and offensive things but it is understandable because of the pain you are in from not having your need met"?

This is the reason we came to the forum. My husband talked of separation because he is in so much pain. He thought it was from my weight, now it turns out it is my communication.

Today we talked for at least 1.5 hours. It was mostly good, but then he wanted to have sex. I said I did not want to. He wanted to know if that was fair, that he meet my need but I not meet his. I am numb. I don't feel anything. Are these simply rules to be followed regardless of how I feel?

You should follow up with an email and ask Dr. Harley. He will explain it well.

Yes I have done so..

Good for you for showing up for the UA even when you're not feeling it. Which stuff you work on, conversation or attractive spouse, isn't going to be what saves your marriage, it's the goodwill and trust you two build in addressing concerns and showing up for the UA time. The SF will come you'll know when it's time. Keep coming back when you have concerns.

Did we listen to the same show?? The point that Dr Harley was trying to make to your husband is that other elements of your relationship can effect his feelings about your attractiveness. Some of those elements could be fighting. The most important one is the contrast effect, which was his main focus.


That tells me that you have been doing a good job but the contrast effect has had been the major impediment.


Stop arguing and start following the program.


Stop asking him. What counts is that he stops being disrespectful.


There is no justification for the terrible things he has been saying. I am not sure what you are asking here.


Of course you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. Did your husband not listen to Dr Harley? Dr H made this very clear that needs must be met in a way that makes you both happy.

Please stop talking about your relationship and start doing fun things.

Listen to the show again. Take notes. Now that you have had your initial emotional response, listen to what is said. You may not be hearing the full message because one part bothers you.

Ok apples123 you are right. I had an emotional response and got stuck on the introduction. But everything the Harley's said was excellent. Unfortunately, the "lightbulb" didn't happen. When I asked him if he did recognize how hurtful and offensive the things he says are, he said he lashes out at me because my weight causes him so much pain. I guess I am looking for some kind of acknowledgement that he has been so hurtful, and maybe a really heartfelt apology. I hoped that Dr. Harley telling him that his words have been inappropriate and hurtful would finally get through to him. Pretty unrealistic, right?

Now he is mad because I am not having sex with him. I know...go out together and have fun. Do the 20 hours and get on with it. Yuck.

He lashes out at you because he is disrespectful and rude. You don't need an apology, you need him to agree to stop being disrespectful. I wouldn't get hung up on an apology.

I wouldn't talk anymore about the past. Focus all of your attention on the present.


What do you mean he is "mad?"

Don't start conversations where he is backed in to a corner. They aren't fair and you will not get what you want. Basically you are picking a fight, trying to force him to see things your way.

Such discussions will not repair your marriage. Your feelings TELL you that it would be nice, but it will not fulfill you and will repair nothing. Many wives get caught up on trying to get their husband to understand, or trying to get their husband to see how hurtful they have been, and it sends the marriage in to a downward spiral.

If you follow this program, these feelings you have will go away.

It's simple. Follow the program, things will get better. Don't, and things will not.

I think the "lightbulb" you need him to see is this, and it is a Marriage Builders rule:

NEVER EVER CAUSE PAIN TO YOUR SPOUSE EVEN IF YOU FEEL LIKE THEY ARE CAUSING YOU PAIN.

Or as I heard Dr. Harley put it one time "Don't break the rules, even if your spouse is breaking the rules."

In this case, he's been thinking you are breaking the rules, and reacting by hurting you. Dr. Harley explained very well why you are NOT breaking the rules, but even if your husband doesn't get that, he STILL absolutely needs to follow the rule of not reacting by hurting you. No matter what happens, no matter what you do, he needs to follow the rule that he will not engage in demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts.

Otherwise you have a situation where if you want him to not abuse you (demands/disrespect/anger) you have to EARN it. That's not fair, it's wrong, and I can't see how you could possibly be in love with him under such an arrangement. Noone could. And if what he's wanting is sex and/or weight loss, he needs you to be in love with him.

You might consider showing him this post.

No, not if he's being demanding, disrespectful, and/or angry.

Marriage Builders rules all have the same goal: a marriage of extraordinary care where the spouses are empathetic toward each other and never do things that they both are not happy with doing. The rules are being applied properly when they achieve these goals, and are being applied improperly when they do not.

It is not necessary to understand all the details of your husband's position to know that he has it all wrong. It is obvious.

BrainHurts, can you put the Radio Program from Tuesday May 24 here for me? I emailed some further questions and received an email back that they were answered on this show, but I missed it.