I was reading an old post that says exposure is supposed to kill the affair and lift the fog. If it has been a month or more since my exposure and the affair is still going on in secret, does that mean my exposure didn't work, or does it take a little time?

I almost wish I would catch her again. Everytime I have caught her lying, she gets really angry but eventually feels guilty. This part is hard where I am snooping and not finding anything, but I feel something is going on while she is at work. I just have a feeling.

I have 100 questions I want to ask her about her day to try to catch her lying, but that will just push her away if I don't have proof.

If by some small chance she has cut contact, today will make 7 days. Last time she made it 4 days before I caught her again. But the voice recorder confirmed she at least really did attempt it for 4 days.

Sorry, one more question:

Since she gave me the passwords to her social media accounts, should I offer her the same (not marriage builders or anything to do with spying) to keep her from getting resentful? Or should I wait for her to ask?

I spoke to OM's wife for the first time in a few weeks yesterday. It sounds like WW was probably informed of this by OM but WW can't tell me she is aware because then I will know she is still in contact with OM.

Last night WW got really angry at me for starting to cook supper without checking for all the ingredients first. She asked why have I been so distracted. Then she asked to look at my email.

She is acting exactly the same way she did before the supposed "no contact". She even said, "it's not fair that you aware spying on me and I can't see anything about you. You coukd be in cahoots with OM's wife and pretending to reconcile to get info to hurt me. You are the kind of person that would do that."

It's pretty obvious she is still in contact, but since I have no proof I can't accuse her.

She caught me doing a deleted text recovery on her phone early this morning. She got really angry. I explained to her that I needed to be sure and have 100% transparency so I coukd trust her again and so we can make our marriage great. She fought some more with me so I left for work. I was only able to find one message to OM though, and it was from about 2 weeks ago where she told him she couldn't talk anymore and legitimately wanted to work on our marriage.

I can't tell if I am going crazy or what. Through my snooping I keep confirming that WW seems to be telling the truth about no contact. But I can't figure out why she doesn't seem to be in withdrawal. She has a few hours here and there where she seems to be in withdrawal, but then it fades and she is back to normal. Also, it seems like I would find evidence of OM trying to contact her, but he seems to be leaving her alone.

You need to move!!! Take all this energy you use in blogging and get moved out of there. See an attorney about your rights in taking the kids, selling the house, etc and get out of there!

Also, I wouldn't discuss your sources of intel with her, even by fabricating a source (ie the neighbors). You can just tell her you know she saw him and that it hurts you. The less she knows about your sources of information, the more she will think you have eyes everywhere, and that is a good thing.

Do this.

Bob, your problem is that you are trying to "recover" while you stay in the bar. You will never recover that way. She will never withdraw while you are there. Move away. Hopefully she will follow you there. That is your only chance of recovery.

I pretty much have everything set up to be able to move. Just waiting to meet with lawyer this friday to figure out what to do with the kids. If everything goes to plan, I should be ready to leave within 3 weeks.

That is such good news. I think you will find out soon after that, your recovery will take leaps and bounds after you move.

I hope so. I'm not even worried that much if she comes or not. At least I know I am doing the right thing trying to save my family.

Have you talked with her about this? What did she say?

Ive only made little remarks to her here and there about moving. I havent yold her i am serious and very close to actually leaving. I'm planning to "Plan A" her a little while longer until it gets closer to time to leave, and then let her know and let her decide.

One thing I still don't understand. Once I move,if she comes or joins me later, how will I know once withdrawal ends and recovery starts? Right now, the only possible contact they have is on the phone or computer while she is at work. So technically that could continue for a while after we move.
After the withdrawal starts to fade, is she just supposed to come to me with a willingness to work on the marriage? Or will I have to keep trying to get her to make changes a little bit at a time?

That will depend entirely on where she is at and how full her lovebank is. If you have done a good job of filling her lovebank and eliminating lovebusters, you have a good chance she'll want to work on the marriage. If you're still throwing lovebusters around, or her lovebank is still deep in the red, she'll likely be more resistant.

Recovery does not start when withdrawal ends. Recovery starts when she proves that she has ended the affair, and agrees to work on the marriage, using the checklist that you have been given.

So, given that she's already separated from you, she isn't going to move with you if she is still continuing the affair. Why would she do that?

When she agrees to move with you, you ask for proof that the affair is over. You said that they contact each other at work, but I can't remember whether they actually work for the same company. Regardless of that, she may well have to leave that job and stay at home for a while, giving you access to her devices, to prove to you that contact is impossible.

If she wants to rebuild the marriage, she will understand why giving up her job is mandatory. If she baulks at giving up her job, it is a sign that you are nowhere near ready to rebuild. Just as we can see now that she is not willing to give up contact today, you will see after the move whether she is serious about the marriage or not.

You need to just move, and stop this analysis paralysis. Recovery cannot begin while you live in that area.

So once I move, if she comes but is still resistant to make drastic changes, do I just keep going with Plan A for the full 6 months to try to fill her love bank enough to get her to agree to full transparency?
And if she doesn't come, do I immediately go into plan B on the day I leave?

You do not need to go to Plan B before the 6 months. Keep up with Plan A.

Thanks for the info.

We just had an interesting text exchange. She texted and said she was about to have to contact OM (supposedly after 2 weeks of no contact) because he lied and got her in trouble at her job. I told her just to ignore it because she told me she was stopping contact and it's not fair to me or our family. She said she is too mad and we will just have to start over.