ij, want to check in and tell us what you think? Dr. Harley and Joyce are very helpful, aren't they?

Here is your show.
Radio Clip of Indianajordan's Show

It has been a week since we had sex. She is being apparently told that this is a productive thing in our relationship. I don't know who is telling her that. She thinks that when I invite her for UA time she can raise conflicts. That ends up very unpleasant, and even though I've done my part, to try to ask her out, she still won't have sex. What do I have to do to get sex?

Indianajordan, try Marriage Builders. The plan works great!

What are your wife's complaints about your marriage? Respond to them. Eliminate the love bank withdrawals you are making, start making massive love bank deposits, and your wife will be in love with you, and then sex will not be a problem.

Should you separate? OF COURSE NOT.

If you go ahead and make huge decisions without her then she won't WANT to have sex with you. If you make decisions that hurt her, she will feel miserable with you. Why should she have sex with you when you treat her like that? The goal is for her to DESIRE sex with you. You are not creating that environment by making decisions without her.

Remember that everything you do impacts your wife. Decisions about your son should be made jointly and not in a fit of anger. I would go to her and apologize for acting against her wishes. Then I would figure out a solution you both agree to. Keep in mind that when you do IB, you need to fix that as part of the solution. When she is opposed to something, take that idea off the table and come up with some other idea that accomplishes the same goal, but doesn't ruin your wife's desire to be with you.

As a sidenote-
Unilateral decisions are the first step to a downward spiral. That is why they are called lovebusters. It seems like more work to find something that your wife can feel good about. But taking a shortcut is a mistake. Your marriage is in a bad place right now. Do what Marco said to get it out.

Marriage does not work as an adversarial relationship. To have a good marriage, you have to function as a partnership.

So, have you really done your part? It doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds like you feel entitled to sex, and are willing to do a few things by way of compromise to get it.

We are all students of Marriage Builders, so let's approach this as a learning experience. In your own words, what started the present conflict? How would MB principles have led you to handle that differently, and how would these same principles have you handle a resolution?

ij, Dr. Harley is a big believer in the need for men to pursue their wives. When love bank balances are low it is usually up to the husband to bring those balances up. The strategy you are using of waiting for your wife to go first is not what Dr. Harley recommends, because it doesn't work.

Get your balance in your wife's love bank up - get her in love with you. THEN see how she feels about meeting your emotional needs.

If this is too emotionally difficult for you, then see your doctor about antidepressants.

I encourage you to email Dr. Harley about all this.

ij, Dr. Harley says that love busters shouldn't be tolerated in marriage. Do you agree with Dr. Harley that your wife shouldn't tolerate your unilateral decisions (independent behavior)?


If you follow the plan your wife will eventually feel attracted to you and will want to spend time with you and meet your emotional needs.

Your wife is probably telling you about the things you are doing that are making her not want to spend time with you. Pursue and win her by addressing her complaints.

The present conflict actually started 4 years ago when our 14 yr. old (then) home-schooled son reduced the academic portion of his schooling to barely completing 1 subject and also became very uncooperative with the manual part. I wanted to follow the advice we got from a counselor but my wife would not accept the part of it that clearly laid out the consequences of not completing his agreed upon tasks.I used the POJA and agreed to her version on the try it you may like it temporary basis. Several times over the intervening years I attempted to revisit negotiations when it was clear from my perspective that his performance was far from what he seemed capable but my wife would not budge from her position. Let me make it perfectly clear that I was not enthusiastically agreed to these terms. In my wife's account she left out the details that we both agreed he should help with the garage and it was actually her that originally requested him to help. But, like many times over the years, he simply refused and went to his room. Then, before addressing him, I made a final attempt to negotiate new terms with my wife. After 4 years of this I simply lost patience. I am not happy with the way he treats us and I feel he is taking our provision for granted most of the time. I also feel he has not received the best training we could have provided had we been able to negotiate agreeable terms. So did I do my part?

I am sure Dr. Harley would be happy to help you and your wife find something you can do about your son that you are both enthusiastic about.

You did not do your part to find a solution your wife would be enthusiastic about. You simply did what you thought was best even though she was not enthusiastic. By the way, just because a counselor recommends something doesn't mean the counselor is right and your wife is wrong.

If you want to start having a love relationship with your wife again you are going to need to invest a lot more effort in finding solutions that she can be enthusiastic about.

You're going to have to be more patient than that if you want your wife to be in love with you.

Am I right in saying that your relationship with your wife is more important than what happens to your son?

NO. My suggestion would be to try using Marriage Builders and stop making unilateral decisions. You want your wife to desire you? Then stop being so undesirable. Making unilateral decisions upsets your wife and makes it less likely she will want to have sex with you.

Agree with markos. I would point out that you are not married to the counselor so her "opinion" might not work for your marriage.

Thanks for writing your thoughts here. You did some of your part by accepting that there was a problem and looking for a solution.

The most important part of your part is this:


The minute something doesn't work for her, you need to let that idea go and start looking for an idea that will work for her. One that works for you at the same time.

Becoming impatient and IGNORING that your wife FELT HORRIBLE about your proposed solution was a huge mistake.

Whether you think your idea is right or wrong doesn't matter.
The "principle" of your son defying you doesn't matter.

In the whole scheme of things, what matters most is that you show respect for your wife's feelings. Otherwise, you are going to end up alone, all to teach your son a lesson.

The idea that the husband must be the one to pursue the wife does not come out strongly in the books so that is news to me. I figured that both should be concerned about their own LB balances if they want to insure against risk of an affair. However, I will add this to my new understanding along with what I hear you saying about my recent IB.

Listening to the radio show really helps. Are you doing that daily? Have you read the article about how a husband can get the sex he desires?

Just wondering, is this your passive aggressive way of threatening an affair? Because that is the message that I got. And if I were your wife, I would feel even LESS motivated to have sex with you when you talk that way.

Dr. Harley says that the husband should win his wife over. That is true.

You are the one who caused a big problem by doing independent behavior. There is no room for ego or pride here.
Put down your weapons, Jordan, if you want your wife to feel safe with you. If you don't know how to do this, then contact Dr. Harley.

I have also repeatedly received the impression you are threatening an affair.

Yes, I get that vibe from you too, indianajordan. You may not intend it, but it sounds like you are hinting that if your wife doesn't meet your needs you'll have an affair. Saying that would be a massive love bank withdrawal, of course!

It's important to understand that even though the tagline of HNHN is "building an affair proof marriage," Dr. Harley does not say that unmeet needs lead to affairs. On the board we clarify it with this "equation":

met emotional needs + extraordinary precautions = no affair
unmet emotional needs + lack of extraordinary precautions = affair
(so far so good - very clear)
met emotional needs + lack of extraordinary precautions = affair (see that?)
unmet emotional needs + extraordinary precautions = no affair

For most unfaithful spouses we see on this board, there is a betrayed spouse at home whose emotional needs are not met and who still did not have an affair. Food for thought.

Yes, meeting emotional needs helps "insure" against an affair, but it is not a necessary or a sufficient condition. Be careful not to imply that unmet emotional needs lead to an affair.