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How do I handle a situation like that in the future? What if OM does something for revenge where WW needs to talk to him? I can't really imagine a scenario where she would need to, but I guess it could be possible since they worked together so long and the current employees are having to complete the work he left behind.

Last night I told her to let me talk to him and handle this situation or to ignore it. She ended up calling him though and fussing until he hung up on her. I heard it all on the voice recorder. She thinks it is all ok since she called him out of anger, but I've started over and am back to demanding no contact again.

Is it possible that this could be part of the affair ending, or is it more likely just a fight and they will eventually try to make up?

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Originally Posted By: Dollarbob
How do I handle a situation like that in the future? What if OM does something for revenge where WW needs to talk to him? I can't really imagine a scenario where she would need to, but I guess it could be possible since they worked together so long and the current employees are having to complete the work he left behind.

Last night I told her to let me talk to him and handle this situation or to ignore it. She ended up calling him though and fussing until he hung up on her. I heard it all on the voice recorder. She thinks it is all ok since she called him out of anger, but I've started over and am back to demanding no contact again.

Is it possible that this could be part of the affair ending, or is it more likely just a fight and they will eventually try to make up?

Your wife will never "need" to talk to him. She talked to him last night because she wanted to.

She isn't NC until she is NC. If she does this in the future, she isn't NC. If he can reach her in the future, then she has not instituted EPs, she has not made contact impossible, and she isn't being genuine about recovery.

Please stop coming up with these scenarios. Your wife hasn't ended contact, because she hasn't put herself out of his reach, and you will not be in recovery until she does.


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Originally Posted By: Dollarbob
she was about to have to contact OM (supposedly after 2 weeks of no contact) because he lied and got her in trouble at her job. I told her just to ignore it because she told me she was stopping contact and it's not fair to me or our family. She said she is too mad and we will just have to start over.

She did not have to contact him about this. She only had to contact her employer about the lie.

She contacted him because she wanted to. Accept that, and stop making excuses for her.


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Originally Posted By: Dollarbob
How do I handle a situation like that in the future? What if OM does something for revenge where WW needs to talk to him? I can't really imagine a scenario where she would need to, but I guess it could be possible since they worked together so long and the current employees are having to complete the work he left behind.

Last night I told her to let me talk to him and handle this situation or to ignore it. She ended up calling him though and fussing until he hung up on her. I heard it all on the voice recorder. She thinks it is all ok since she called him out of anger, but I've started over and am back to demanding no contact again.

Is it possible that this could be part of the affair ending, or is it more likely just a fight and they will eventually try to make up?


Did you all forget about the little "no contact" clause? I don't understand why you are doing this?? Do you understand that no contact means no contact?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So what do I dd now? I told her again that I need her to promise to end all contact for good and never speak to him again no matter what. She is just ignoring that and acting like everything is ok. She is basically doing to me what I have been doing to her. I'm sure that since OM hung up on her last night, she is dying to speak to him again.
I feel like a fool though. She has to see that even though she openly talked to OM and is ignoring my demand for no contact, nothing has changed. I'm still being nice and friendly.
I feel like I want to get away and start plan B until I move in a couple weeks. Getting real tired of the pain and worry.

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Move. Invite her to follow.

You are not ready for Plan B UNLESS you have decided you do not want to save your marriage.


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I just about feel like I don't want to save it. I want to wait a couple days to make sure that's what I want.
I've been bugging her to death today saying stop contact, since she called him yesterday. I said if she can't cut contact for good, then I am going to have to leave. She started off ignoring me most of the day while still being very nice. Now though, she is saying the marriage will never be great because she will never stop thinking about him and that she doesn't care if I leave or not.

I can't keep doing this though. I am going to end up getting fired for poor job performance or stay sick from stress. It's been about 2 months in Plan A, but I don't see how I can last the whole 6.

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Quote:
I said if she can't cut contact for good, then I am going to have to leave.

Don't threaten that you'll leave. If you need to leave, just leave. It's counter-productive to Plan A to make threats.

Quote:
I can't keep doing this though. I am going to end up getting fired for poor job performance or stay sick from stress. It's been about 2 months in Plan A, but I don't see how I can last the whole 6.

Dr. Harley advises betrayed husbands to get on short-term anti-depressants.


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I am on anti-depressants. They are helping a lot, but I'm just tired of this cycle of getting hurt, taking a few days to get over it, and then getting hurt again. I just know a divorce and not getting to see my kids everyday will hurt them very badly.
When we get along, I remember why I love her. But she is draining my love bank pretty low.

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DB, you might want to see your doctor and see if the antidepressants can be adjusted at all.

If your kids need you to avoid divorce at all costs, you might consider staying on antidepressants until they are grown and then divorcing. Dr. Harley has advised men to do that in some very rare cases where the wife would not stop her affairs but the kids took a major turn for the worse when their father was out of the house. If so I think you'd want to get those ADs fined tuned perfectly, and you'd want to see if you can get some regular support from Dr. Harley.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yeah. It's just the 5 year old that worries me. He has been attached to me more than his mother since he was 3 months old. It would destroy him I'm afraid. The 2 year old seems to like both parents equally.

I think I definitely will.check on getting the meds adjusted, but I don't think I could stay with her until the kids are grown if she is still having affairs. It woukd have to be some strong medicine.

I still have 4 months left in Plan A. So a lot could happen in that time I guess.

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If I were you, I'd get my meds adjusted and stick it out 4 more months for the sake of my kids. No one will judge you if you don't. But you are right, a lot can happen in 4 months. ESPECIALLY if she follows you after you move.


Markos' Wife
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I think that's what I am going to do Prisca. I feel a little better since I got home from work and ate supper and played with the kids.

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Sugar Cane (and Bob),

At risk of intrusion I need to say the following.

SC, I've been looking in here and occasionally commenting over the last five years. I have been looking at Bob's story occasionally and have made a couple of comments. I admit that, as you posted in response to my comment on another story recently I tend to post from my emotions and reactions and not exactly from MB. However, I want to tell you that in my time looking in here I have not seen a more succinct and knowledgeable post as this one that you made the other day in response to Bob's perception of recovery. Very simply and not to embarrass you here - I feel you have a gift and, based on your knowledge of MB, but it's the way you express and use it. You seem to be able to get to the bottom like of a poster's problem after careful review, and with concern. All I can say it that those here who do encounter you are fortunate.

Bob, given what I've said above and I have been on here awhile, Sugar Cane has it pegged. Listen to her! I believe what she is saying is that the recovery of your M takes place WHEN your WW take visible action steps to end her affair and commit to your M. Visible and commit are the key words. I'e, commitment to no contact, a no-contact letter approved and sent by you, a sincere effort on her part to at least be open to MB as a resource, leaving her present job, and willing to move to a new location with you.

Tom

Last edited by Tom2010; 05/26/16 11:19 PM.
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Thanks Tom. Your post reminded me of a question:

Once/if she ends the affair for good and is in withdrawal, won't it be a few weeks when the withdrawal starts to fade a little before she will be very likely to consider making any big changes and following the checklist further?

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The changes on the checklist will initiate withdrawal but also moving out of withdrawal by recovering the marriage. Focus on the checklist/Plan A.

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Hi Bob,

It may be a slow weekend here as it's a holiday weekend, but I hope that a few of the more knowledgeable members can address your last question, as Apples just did. The checklist reminder is a good example of visible actions steps. Since it is a long holiday weekend, have you thought of some Plan A efforts? E.g., grilling or preparing a nice dinner, a picnic for you guys or attending a community celebration - parade, cookout, etc. or some activity that you two enjoyed on past summer holidays. In other words, this is probably a good time for you to take a break from your concerns and questions and just try to offer your W some pleasant time together.

Tom

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Yeah Tom. We have been spending 99% of our time together outside of work. We usually have the kids aggravating us, but sometimes we do stuff alone.

I brought up the checklist Saturday and she threw one of her temper tantrums and said she is done with the marriage and that OM is better than me and that her being at home and not talking to him should be enough for me. I just repeated the stuff about the checklist, ignored the verbal abuse and walked around singing and joking with the kids. She laid in the bed for about an hour and got up and started acting nice again, after she saw I wasn't going to fight with her or give up on the checklist.

I think I finally got my mental state straightened out for the most part. I see now that she is lucky to have me willing to give her a chance at a great marriage. If she doesn't take it in the end, then that is her loss and I will treat some other girl like a queen one day. I don't tell or show her any of this, of course, but it seems like she can tell I have changed.

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I left a nice, short note for WW to find this morning. Then we texted a little this morning and had a nice little talk about the kids and other things. Then I brought up the checklist while things were going good and sent her into a temper tantrum. She said she will not give up her social media and that I am not worth it and if I keep asking then she is going to the lawyer. I just responded "show me I can trust you and I will show you how we can make this marriage great and I will make you the happiest girl in the world."

I logged in to her snapchat yesterday and got the notification text and verification code it sent to her phone and deleted them. And saved it to remember my phone everytime I log in. But today it sent another verification code to her, but right when I opened it I saw a message that it said a new friend added her, and that's when it logged me out and sent the code to her phone. As soon as I saw that and it sent her the message, I sent as message that simply said "dang 'her name'". That's when the tantrum started and she said I keep accusing her and she is doing nothing wrong and either I trust her or we are finished.

We are kind of at a stalemate right now because I am picking up nothing on my snooping, but she is showing no withdrawal and still refusing to do everything on the checklist.

I'm just continuing with Plan A and bringing up the checklist. Any other ideas or strategies?

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I just found out that it's going to be another 5 weeks before I can move. Some stuff happened at work and they won't transfer me until it all gets straightened out. I've been throwing the idea out there to WW, but she says we can't move for various reasons.

I'm still bringing up the checklist at least twice per day. Is it OK to add to the checklist? She is the accountant for her company, so she pays all the bills. I want to ask her to show me the phone bill for her job everyday and also bring her work computer home like once per week so I can look at it. She can delete her tracks on the computer, but I should be able to recover that somehow or at least make her think I can or put spyware on it.
Or should I give up on the checklist and wait to see if she is going to move with me or not?

Forgot to add:
She is still complaining about giving up social media. So I said delete everything but facebook and instagram and try that out a while. Then I will try to get her to give up those too. Is that bad, trying to get her to quit them gradually as long as I don't give up until all social media is gone?

Last edited by Dollarbob; 06/01/16 02:02 PM.
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