Hi everyone,
I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to put this, but my marriage is falling apart and it's is due to my own infidelity. My wife and I have been married for 8 years and have a son who is just shy of two years old. We are currently living with my mother as we sold our house and I lost my job on pretty much the same day unexpectedly. My mom offered to take us in while I found another job and saved for a downpayment since the money from the house sale was used to support us when I was out of a job.

Roughly 3-4 years ago my spouse went through some pretty serious issues with her job and became very cold and inattentive. I'm a highly affectionate and emotional person, and being starved of this I ended up straying emotionally. I would talk and fall in and out of emotional relationships with anyone who would listen, friends, strangers, people online. My career puts me on the internet quite a bit so finding sites and people to talk to was almost second nature. Eventually I ended up meeting with someone and having a single physical encounter. My wife found out about all of the conversations and online stuff but I foolishly managed to hide the actual physical interaction.
We went to counseling and managed to work through it, we separated from the friends who I breached her trust with and things were better for awhile. But the intimacy, both sexual and just emotional support started to disappear again. I started the internet conversations again... like an idiot. I feel like I had some compulsion and the more I did it the easier it was to rationalize. She again found out, and yet again we managed to survive it. We worked through it and things got better for awhile. Shortly after we found out she was pregnant, and along came my son.
Fast forward two years to our current situation, I love her very much and I've managed to stay faithful but that definitely does not mean I don't feel the need for an emotional connection. We regularly talk and I practically beg for more, but I feel like I tend to come off like I'm only talking about the sexual part. What I really need is to feel loved, needed, desired... and right now I feel like I don't even deserve that. Anyway, she ended up having health issues and found out she had an STI called Trich. I was immediately blamed and I instantly came clean about the physical affair 3 years ago. We are currently still staying in the house with my mother together but she is looking or somewhere else to live, and wants to take my son with her. She wants to try and remain friends and make sure that I'm in his life. The thing is I don't want to lose either of them, I've been researching, seeing counselors, reading these forums and basically trying with all my heart to remedy this situation.
I went and got tested and found out that I do not have Trich, and in fact even though it's not all that common, it is passed in ways other than sexual contact. Pools, towels, etc etc. The clinician actually explained this to me. I informed her but she is still adamant that this is irreconcilable and she does love me but cannot be with me. I signed up for some Divorce Busting sessions and I'm taking the advice there, but She is still adamant. This all happened just last week.
Also, she agreed to go to a counselor with me next Tuesday, and while she says she is sure this cannot and won't work, and that she doesn't want it too; I notice that she does things like talking to me or caring for me. It feels like she waivers back and forth but maybe I'm just imagining this because I'm falling apart.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish here, I don't know if I'll be supported or chastised to hell here, but I just had to talk with someone who wasn't close to the situation. I want to save this... is it even possible?

Are you living a life that makes infidelity impossible and proves to her that you aren't having a relationship with anyone else?

That's not really believable, you know.

Will you take a polygraph?

And what is the Divorce Busting approach to rebuilding your marriage after your own infidelity?

Let me guess; to detach.

@ Marcos I am, right now she's at a stage where she doesn't care. I understand that's where she needs to be right now, however it is painful. I get that I need penance for what I've done, and I want to make life as comfortable for both her and my son as I can.

Anyway, yes, my phone is unlocked, I let her know where I'm going when I do leave, and honestly for the most part I'm just at home with my son and giving her space as she needs it.

@ Prisca I'm more than aware it's not very believable. I was shocked myself I figured it had to come from me. My family were the ones that told me to go get tested instead of just taking the medicine. Needless to say after speaking with some physicians it apparently does happen, it's just a overwhelming majority of cases are sexually transmitted. I'm going to go get retested just to be sure but as of right now it didn't come from me. I'd be more than happy to take a polygraph and even offered.

@Sugar That CAN be part of what the divorce busters program advocates but not necessarily so. It's essentially advocating a 180 approach by analyzing what I'm doing and giving her space because I tend to be an overly smothering person. I don't do well letting problems sit and fester, but she needs to process them first. Here are the basic tenants of 180, but I actually signed up for a coach primarily because having someone to talk to who isn't close to the situation grounds me and helps me analyze things. I will clarify, that I don't necessarily feel all of these things are good... but a lot of them make sense.

***EDIT***

Hi Thestral, the problem with DB is that they don't have a plan to save marriages after an affair. It is the complete opposite of Marriage Builders. MB has a plan to a) affair proof the marriage and b) create a romantic, passionate relationship. The program was developed by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders.

Do you want help with this program? We can't help you if you follow the DB program. [which Dr Harley does not endorse]

Right now I'm grasping for anything. I'm more than willing to try something if it will help me reconcile with my wife and fix both of our issues. I've been reading the site all afternoon, and as of yet I'm not sure I completely understand the differences between the program. DB goes on to say that they save marriages after affairs all the time, and so does MB.

My issue right now is that she is completely and vehemently against saving the marriage. So I'm not sure if the MB program will truly work without her being willing to read it.

I made my initial post because honestly I'm scared, remorseful, and hurting. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, and I'm trying my very best to do the best thing. I don't want to lose my wife and I don't want to face the idea of not waking up every morning to my son.

Sorry I tend to ramble a bit when I'm nervous or upset. What I'm trying to say is I'm looking for support and advice, if marriage builders is better for me than DB, then so be it. I just don't know what to do at the moment.

Wow, you would have to have a lot of guff to follow the "ignore your wife" plan after she's upset over infidelity!

I seriously doubt that is true, and I doubt you are understanding my question.

I am not asking if you are remaining faithful right now.

I am asking if your lifestyle makes infidelity IMPOSSIBLE.

For example - is there NEVER a time when you are somewhere where your wife doesn't know what you are doing?

Are there NO passwords or accounts or devices you have that your wife doesn't have the password to, NONE whatsoever?

Do you have NO secrets from your wife at all?

Do you have NO female friends whatsoever?

WHAT is the plan, though? I have been on marriage forums for 15 years and they have never had a plan. What is their PLAN? I know of none other than to do nothing, other than cause more damage by being arrogant and uncaring as outlined in your "180. " That would repel any betrayed spouse. That is the critical difference between MB and DB.


As she would be based on the way you are treating her. The way you are treating her - detachment - would logically offend and repulse any betrayed woman. We would advise her to separate from you if she came here and told us the things you were doing.

WE would tell her to pack your bags and escort you to the door because your non "plan" is so destructive.


If you are going to follow this program we will be glad to help you, but not if you are using the DB program too. Their program is ineffective and we don't support it here. like I said, it is the complete opposite of Marriage Builders.

Men clear STDs more easily than women. Just because you tested negative doesnt mean you didnt ive it to her.

As a betrayed wife, I would escort you OUT to the curb if you DARED treat me that way after putting me through adultery. If you think you would ever inspire anyone to be with you behaving in such a despicable manner, you are delusional.

If you want to motivate your wife to stay with you, then you need to get off your butt and PROVE to her that a) you are affair proof and b) you are WORTH THE TROUBLE. So far you have done neither so she is correct in getting rid of you. We would AGREE she should tell you to hit the road.

Following the Marriage Builders plan from Dr. Harley makes your marriage affair proof, and PROVES that to your spouse.

Following Marriage Builders changes how your spouse feels about you and your marriage because of the Love Bank, a scientific reality that other marriage recovery materials ignore.

Following Marriage Builders makes your marriage worth recovering, and makes you worth recovering with.

My guess is right now you have plenty of secrets in your life and plenty of room for relationships with other women. As long as that is true, you are not worth recovering with.

@Markos I appreciate that you are far more learned on these topics than I am, but you seem incredibly confrontational. I'm here because I'm looking for help... I understand I screwed up and I'm trying to fix it. I'm also reasonably clever so yes I understood your question and I thought I had answered it sufficiently. I have no female friends, I have no passwords, she knows where I am at all times, I have no secrets from her what so ever at this point.

Also, I don't think I was advocating ignoring anyone, especially not her. But what I am trying to do is respect that she has asked me for space and is not ready to discuss these problems YET. Though like I said, she has decided to go to counseling with me so that could be a positive. I've started reading the MB books and I'm more than willing to try this, the idea of Love banks and love busters sounds like a very positive model.

Anyway, my point is, I'm human Markos. I made a dire mistake, and I'm now trying to fix it. I really appreciate your knowledge and hope you'll continue to give it to me, but I really don't understand why you, not knowing me at all, are being quite so confrontational when I'm here because I want to fix myself... and in doing so fix my marriage.

@Melody Again... I'm not treating her with any sort of detachment, I was pretty clear that I don't agree with all the tenants of that program and only signed up for it because I needed someone to talk to before I came here. What I am doing is respecting her wishes for space, and within those parameters trying to give her whatever she needs, be kind, show her that I care, and indeed that I respect her enough not to impress my needs for her attention on her at the moment. When I found this site I was hoping to find people who had beaten similar issues, people who had forgiven and grown and could help me do the same. However, so far... I've been met with an incredible amount of what seems like hostility. I'm here because I want to fix things. I'm here because I want to learn. I'd really appreciate it if you gave me the chance to do so.

Me cheating was not a recent thing... and I have made it a point in my life to spend it making up for that. I have no contacts and no secrets from her. I'm doing the best I can and searching for help. Maybe I came to the wrong place, but I thought there would be help and encouragement here. If this isn't what this forum is about I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.

To reiterate, I want to learn what to do, and I want to understand how Dr Haley's programs work, but if I'm just going to be torn to shreds maybe I'm better off just reading the books and staying away from the community. I'm aware how damaging and selfish what I did was, but by Dr. Haley's own words it happened for a reason. And now all I can do is work to fill my love bank. I am worth it, just as she is.

@Apples I asked that exact question. I'm an immuno-compromised individual and the doctor said the liklihood of me clearing the disease myself was near impossible. Like I said I'm going back for a retest, but the fact of whether she got it for me is actually not the point. the point is I did something to break my marriage and I want to fix it. I just assume that regardless of me not having this, I want to fix this, and myself, for her.

I'm sorry for the multiposting, but I think maybe it was a mistake coming here and posting my story. I feel like Dr Harley's program is probably excellent and I'll have to do my best working through it on my own. But I don't think I deserved the reception I got or the continued malice in the posts.

I came here looking for help and received some pretty callous responses, and what you don't seem to realize is that I'm tearing myself apart for what I did already. There is nothing you could say that would make me feel worse. I'm doing everything I possibly can to make up for this and I'm willing to spend the rest of my life doing it. I'm sorry for cluttering up your forum, but I don't regret finding Dr Harley's program.

Let us know if we can help. Best of luck to you...