Elaina7 - thanks for your tips and thinking of me.

I am still so guilty sometimes and so self-righteous other times. I can point at the approx 12 times he hit me over our marriage and cite I'm an abused spouse, oh pity me because I'm a victim. I can cite all the times he used angry outbursts and blame on me and stressed me and raved at me and broke my stuff. I can say I'm in the right.

And I can see how he very touchingly tried to accommodate my lesbianism/bisexuality into our relationship by allowing me to be with a woman. He held me and comforted me while I hated that I was gay and had physical connections with her that was unlike anything I ever had with him. He would have let me 'date' her forever, not making me give her up. But I wanted it all with her, I wanted to wake up every day with her and introduce her to my parents and be with her 100%. And I can say that I'm the one who broke our marriage.

princessmeggy -

1 - I don't know if I married him because of society or because it "was about time we got married"
2.he is 9 years older than me.
3. I didnt ever want an open marriage or anything of the kind until I met HER. Than I would have done almost anything to be with her.
4. You may have some points there about the personal recovery. But she is the most kind person.
5. I am seeing two different counselors (LGBT counselor and abuse counselor) per week.

His acceptance of your adultery is not a sign of CARE but more of an indication that he didn't care about you or your marriage. Being a bi-sexual does not justify adultery. A caring spouse would have taken steps to end your adultery. He clearly didn't care.

And yes, you did end your marriage, but that is a good thing, not a bad thing. You shouldn't stay married to a violent, abusive man.


People in affairs are typically addicted to their adultery partners. Yours is no different, it is just a garden variety, putrid affair. The reason you were able to have an "open marriage" is because your husband didn't give a CRAP about you. Most spouses won't tolerate that because they care too much about their marriages. Yours did not.

I am glad you are seeing counselors but I wonder why they haven't given you a plan.

Plan B your soon to be Ex Husband.

Get into personal recovery so you can heal and not fall for the first person who was kind to you.

Go meet and talk to, hang out with some other women who have recovered from abusive relationships.

If you are wanting others to say it was right for your to leave your abusive ex... yes....
If you want us to tell you an affair will lead to a happy outcome.... no. (Again, every single women who leaves an abusive relationship for an affair, or entering another relationship immediately... it never ends well. Ever.
If there is, find one because they will be the first.
It is the reason I am arguing (and every legitimate abuse counselor I know)for you to leave both of your romantic partners because I care. It will just lead you to even more heartache and that stinks. I wish I could spare you it)
I don't care arguing over who broke the marriage... I don't consider it a "marriage" when one partner has demonstrated the ability to kill the other person in it. It also really doesn't matter why you married him.

What matters is what is your plan Now!

I will continue to hope and think of you!

I have been in contact with two women (through my LGBT group) who have left their husbands and went directly to women. One is with her 2 years, the other one 7 years.

Now I'm not saying that it's the most healthy way, or even a valid option, but my finances are limited and I would miss her terribly.

I appreciate your words Elaina, why did you D? Angry outbursts?

I read a book about overcoming anger in your relationship and I am still coming to terms with how I thought my marriage was 100% perfect was actually him dominating me and me accepting it. He would be so nice and charitable whenever I needed something or just to throw me a bone once in a while, but the majority of the time I was ruining my marriage by not standing up to him and placating him, and doing whatever he wanted and apologizing whenever he was "in that mood." I don't know if I could have changed things or stopped things from getting as bad as they got, or if him hitting me was inevitable due to his disposition.

Of course I could always cower more and do what he wants, but that eventually kills you inside, I am learning from the book. And it's true! I did try to separate from him a few times before meeting her. I would say he's too mean and I don't want kids with someone who acts that way, and then he would be nice again. I actually forgot having those thoughts and talks with him, since I pushed everything bad to the side to focus on what he does nice for me.

I realize that it isn't good odds for me, but maybe the problem the whole time is that I was attracted to women and that's why I never felt anything in bed with him. Maybe I fixed my problem. Or maybe I'm just selfish to think of myself when he still would get back together, but I could never trust him again after the last time.

It stinks that this has to be so confusing. It also stinks that I feel 'alive' 'aware' for the first time in 20 years and I'm not used to all these feelings. I just numbed myself to get married and have kids, and that meant STAY married forever, at all cost. And For a long time I did stay at all cost, and now what gives me the right to change my mind and break free?

Sorry for the rambling. I am doing plan B with him.

I am on a wait list for a support group for abused people. But maybe I can find one I can join now.

If I were to follow the advice and "be alone now" how long would that mean? A month, year, 6 years? Until "I'm ready?" What does that even mean?

Anyway, thanks all who continue to read/reply. I appreciate it.

Actually, 95% of affairs die within 2 years. Homosexual affairs are even more fragile. And you are correct, it is not a healthy option at all. There is no justification for adultery. Adultery is never a solution.


We don't believe in marriage at all costs. Committing adultery is not the solution to a bad marriage. All you have done is jumped from the frying pan into the fire.

I am not sure what you want from us. You are in the wrong place to seek support for adultery. I don't care how bad your marriage was, there is no excuse for it.