"My position on conflict resolution in any romantic relationship is that whenever a couple has a conflict, their choice should not be between doing whatever he wants or whatever she wants (win-lose), but rather doing what they both want (win-win). They could avoid all of the unpleasantness I've been describing by simply accepting this basic premise.

My goal for husbands who want to make their wives happy is for them to limit their choices to win-win solutions to all marital conflicts. And I put a great deal of effort into helping them learn to achieve that objective. Why just husbands, you may ask? Why not put equal effort into helping wives? Well, I'd like to be able to put equal effort into helping both spouses, but I usually find myself focusing most of my attention on husbands because they're the ones who resist finding win-win solutions the most. Women usually seem to see the wisdom of it almost immediately, while it usually takes men a while longer to catch on."

From How to Make Your Wife Happy by Dr. Harley

Great post Apples!!

I certainly am not threatening an affair. I was simply saying that from the materials I have read the concept of democratic equality (equal voice, equal commitment, equal representation,) seemed to be the standard, therefor both should be concerned about LB balances, risk of affair and both should pursue the relationship. As I now read the above this is being clarified. I love my wife very much and am on here because I am committed to learning how to express that to her. However, I do hear you saying that an unintended message may be coming thru to her and I think this is true. In an argument many years ago I did make that threat and although I did not mean it then and have never repeated it and have never had an affair, that is what she is still hearing. What do I do now?

People can see through fabrications like that, you know.

If your objective is to have a romantic relationship, then you are defeating yourself. Even the most obtuse indirect references to affairs is a sure fire way to withdraw love units. Your wife is well aware of what is up with you and to imply otherwise is a disrespectful judgement.

If your objective is to win the debate, then you are going to have to build better arguments. Marriage Builders principles make poor talking points for winning from the perspective you are advancing.

I would focus all of your attention on wooing her back instead of pushing her away. Instead of telling her she MUST have sex with you, you need to focus on being so pleasant and attractive that she will desire you.

1. Apologize. The plan is designed to affair proof your marriage. But saying that to your spouse may sound like a threat "do this or I will have an affair." Instead, talk about wanting to build a safe, romantic marriage. Safety= affair proof = EPs,but is a much more palatable way to express it.

2. Plan a great date you will both enjoy. Work on the UA plan for this weekend if you haven't already. This will help you create good will. But you need to enjoy this date too so you will feel in love and have good will. ( My H and I will ride go-carts this weekend and go truck shopping so we can take our kayaks out more. You dont have to go on a dinner date to have fun.)

3. Then Review POJA steps. Focus on trying to understand her position about the issue with your son. Then brainstorm to find a win-win solution. If you dont Choose a solution during the first conversation, that's okay. Dr. Harley revommends people carry a little notebook in their pockets so you can write down ideas throughout the day. Then you can explore those ideas together. Some people are helped by having a scheduled time (not UA) to discuss problems.

Concerning the conflict over our son, I am suggesting that we contact Dr. Harley for help finding a win-win resolution before we do anything. My wife is insisting that I must agree to do whatever it takes so that our son will return home,including agreeing to maintain the previous arrangement (about which I never grew enthusiastic) and then try to find a win-win. I never asked or suggested our son leave, only that he comply with his parents request that he help out with the garage or forfeit some priviledge. The decision to leave was his own. What do you suggest I do?

Contact Dr. Harley. Do nothing until you hear back. Do nothing doesn't mean maintain the status quo; it literally means do nothing.

It may help the two of you to get into the coaching proqgram.

Well, "do nothing while negotiating" applies when there is no enthusiastic agreement about a course of action. However, when an independent course of action has already taken place, the recourse is to revert to the situation before the IB occurred, and negotiate from there.

The IB in this case seems to have been for you to depart from the previously agreed strategy for disciplining your son. His leaving the home was not your IB, but a consequence of it.

Jordan-
I recommend that you apologize to your wife for unilaterally taking away son's laundry and shower privileges because it wasn't jointly agreed to. I would also suggest that you offer to your wife the idea of giving those privileges back until a new agreement is made about how to handle this in the future.

I also recommend that you apologize to son for acting unilaterally and let him know that even though you were disappointed in his behavior, that you and mom are going to get on the same page and he can be sure that future decisions will be united.

Believe it or not, saying that very thing will teach your son that in the future, mom can't save him from decisions made. He will know that you stand together.

Ask wife if she will agree to that plan along with an appointment to negotiate solutions to the resentment you are feeling about son's situation.

What do you think?

You're fine with the son coming home, right? Let her know that.

Remove the consequences that you imposed unilaterally and tell your wife you will never impose consequences unilaterally again. Tell her from now on all parenting steps will be taken with joint agreement.

And contact Dr. Harley ASAP. Go ahead and write him, don't wait for your wife; she can go ahead and write him, too.

By the way, since your wife wasn't enthusiastic about your son cleaning the garage, don't call it your son's "parents'" request. It was your request. It didn't come from both of you.

[Don't debate me on this; just trust me that your wife was obviously reluctant about this whole deal, not enthusiastic.]

BTW, Dr. Harley told me that if husband and wife can't agree on parenting then "let the kids run wild." I know that's hard to swallow, but it works. It ought to work a lot easier for you than for us, because your son is grown and can't be disciplined any more anyway and is going to live his own life at this point whether his parents like it or not.

I apologized to my wife for my IB, unilateral decision and for hurting her feelings. Yes I never wanted my son to leave, I am fine with him coming home. I took him out for dinner last night and apologized for my behavior and for hurting his feelings. I invited him to come home and restored his privileges. If he will come home he did not say. A couple days ago he asked if I would speak to a spiritual counselor from our church with whom he has already spoken and I met with them after our dinner. He is soon to be 19, has his own phone,car, full-time job with a promise for license training,a fair bit of money saved from his earnings and a girl friend. The place he is staying is closer to where she lives. On the phone he tearfully told me he loves me very much and expressed concern for my happiness and worry over his mother separating from me. If he decides he is ready to leave I would understand. He did not speak specifically about how uncomfortable he is at home due to our marital struggles. Concerning planning a great date for this weekend, a couple days ago she told me she "can't stand to look at my face". Yesterday I asked her how she would feel about spending time with me and she replied that she thinks we are "past that". We are heavily scheduled with family commitments already and as I have said before it has felt to me for a long time that they are a priority over UA time for her. I am not motivated for doing the hours of city driving and all the tasks her mother needs done when I feel like she really does not care about me or that I feel unappreciated. My stomach churns just thinking about it. What should I do? How do I tell her that I am not mutually enthusiastic about this weekend when there is no promise of anything pleasant in it for me without her feeling pressured or controlled/manipulated? Especially when I am anxious about merely the thought of trying to have a conversation with her about it?

UA time is not for discussing conflicts. It is for kicking up your heels, laughing and having fun together.

However, if there is independent behavior, disrespect or demands during UA time complaints can and should be made.
If the invitation includes demands or disrespect, it can and should be addressed.

You've spoken about two very separate things here:

I think you have done all you could to try and reverse the situation to what it was before your independent behaviour. Obviously, your son has free will, and therefore has the ultimate role to play in whether things can go back to where they were, allowing you and your wife to renegotiate about how to deal with him on the occasions that he is uncooperative.

How does your wife feel about how things went at and after the dinner?

You should never have become scheduled - heavily or lightly - with family commitments that you were not enthusiastic about. Making reluctant agreements creates resentment in the reluctant spouse, and the result is a loss of love. You need to learn not to make these agreements.

You need to tell your wife today that you are not enthusiastic about the arrangements that you've made, and that you'd like to discuss what can be done about them. Only you know whether you do not want to do tasks for her mother at all, or whether you might be enthusiastic under certain conditions. You could explore other ways or getting the tasks done, or perhaps not doing them all this weekend.

The point is that you must be honest about your response when your wife makes a proposal. Do not agree to do things that you really do not want to do, and if you have already agreed, withdraw from that agreement.

Before any more of you reply I need to add the following I just received.I left red roses and a nice card expressing how sorry I am for the hurts I have caused her on the table for when she came downstairs this morning.(We no longer share a bed.) She thanked me for the flowers and all the sentiments expressed in the card. Then she informed me that she is actively looking for a place for herself to move to for the summer. She wants to pursue "healing and reconciliation". She plans to evict tenants of ours for the fall and move to that location later. She is also planning to look for a job to replace the income loss. This information will probably affect your responses. I calmly listened to all she had to say and have given her no response. So how should I respond and how does this affect the weekend?