Well, giving her no response wasn't the greatest move. Why didn't you tell her how you felt about this plan? What is she to make of your silence?

I would seriously commit to signing up for the coaching program if she would be willing. A big issue is eliminating lovebusters and you aren't addressing her complaints (until last night) in a caring way. You argue and blame her for complaining at the wrong time. You guys need serious accountability and support to turn this around.

She needs to see that you are willing to learn how to respect her and treat her better. Are you willing to do that? The online program is a year commitment. They focus on one thing at a time starting with the worst problem.

Btw, I don't work for mb. Did the online program, which is why I suggest it.

Agree. That was a chance to tell her that you are willing to change the way you go about things and that you care about her.

Which you do, or you wouldn't be here. Don't withhold that point from her.

I understand that you were probably silent to avoid making a mistake. But it is okay to tell her that you would be disappointed if she left.

You are correct. I was silent mainly because I was afraid of making a mistake. I had to make sure I could stay calm first. After a while I did explain(calmly) why I was silent but addressing that plan seemed too overwhelming in the moment. Instead I brought up the subject of this weekend and asked if there was any possibility of spending any UA time with her if I go. As of yet I have received no commitment. I explained that I was waiting for some guidance from this forum. I understand that UA time is for the purpose of having fun, not discussing conflict and that building love is the priority over resolving conflict. Since April we have spent literally hundreds of hours discussing our conflicts and falling woefully short of spending 15-20 hours of true UA time each week. Almost every time we have gone out she raises some conflict and invariably the conversation gets unpleasant. I broke down in tears when I explained that I could not take riding in the car for hours this weekend discussing conflict issues. It is killing my love for her. How do I help her understand how important it is for us to go out to have some FUN JUST THE 2 OF US?

ij, my guess is that she can't enjoy UA time because the conflicts aren't resolved. If you would use what you can learn here to start to find solutions to these conflicts that she is enthusiastic about, she could probably begin to enjoy spending time with you again.

I suspect that she brings up a conflict to you and it gets discussed but a solution is never adopted that both she and you are enthusiastic about. So the conflict persists. Meanwhile, new conflicts get added. Eventually there is a pile that is crushing her so hard that she can't stand it and wants to escape from it.

Scheduling a time to discuss conflicts may help. You may need more frequent appointments at first, perhaps twice per week. If everyone knows conflicts will be addressed shortly, enjoying the moment is usually easier.

Yes I am willing to learn to respect her and treat her better, and eliminate LB. We spoke about the coaching program and I think she is willing. We did go together on the weekend and spent some pleasant UA time as agreed. The driving time went well. Toward the end I brought up a schedule conflict. The discussion went ok. We are still brainstorming. One possibility involves spending 4-5 days/nights apart. Is that too risky at this point?

I don't understand - why are you contemplating spending a week apart? What scheduling conflict is requiring this?

Is this connected to your wife's plan to separate from you? Is this a suggestion for the separation to be part-time?

Indianajordan, if your wife is telling you "You can't live here until you can stop being demanding, disrespectful, and/or angry" then yes you should leave until you can stop those behaviors. (And you should stop them immediately so that you do not have to leave.)

Otherwise, you should not leave your home. If your job is telling you to be away from your home then either take your wife with you or find another job. If your wife is telling you to leave your home, you should be eliminating the problem that is making her need to be away from you rather than trying to schedule things.

There is no reason to leave if you are willing to protect your wife from your unpleasant self. Let go of your "man pride". It doesn't serve your marriage. Stop being disrespectful. Stop being disagreeable. Stop arguing. Stop taking your frustration out on her and throwing digs at her to to keep her off balance.

If she agrees, then YOU call and get signed up for the program immediately. Do your homework every week. Focus on listening to your wife's complaints. Write them down. Figure out a way to change that situation.

If you do these things then over a few weeks, your wife will feel safer with you and won't need the separation. You will start to notice her goodwill toward you.

No it is not about part-time separation. We live near my wife's family, not mine. She can see her sisters regularly. Her mother is a widow, still in her own home. My closest immediate relative lives a twelve hour drive away. My only brother(whom I try to see whenever I can, but it has never more than once a year) lives nearly across the country but will be visiting other relatives I have not seen in a long time 12 hours away this 4th of July weekend. I believed we had agreed months ago to make the trip to see them. However, my mother-in-law (whom we spend time with many times each year) is on a waiting list for heart surgery that will probably be scheduled with very short notice and my wife wants to be available to help care for her afterward, whenever it might occur. My mother-in-law has retired sisters and sisters-in-law that live very close by, 2 other daughters and grandchildren that can help. So what do we do? She is not enthusiastic about our original plan and I am not enthusiastic about changing them. I don't want to come across that I do not care about her feelings in this but I am seriously disappointed. She says major surgery for her mother (and her feelings) should trump other family endeavors (my feelings). So should we each just do our own thing?

No, you should not do your own thing. The default position is to do nothing until a new agreement is reached about which you are both enthusiastic. That means that you do not see your family on 4th of July and she does not make herself available to help her mother.

You might want to email Dr Harley and ask for his assistance in brainstorming a solution.

And you need to look for a solution that your wife will be enthusiastic about.

How can you find a way for your wife to be able to provide care for her mother surrounding her surgery in a way that you will be enthusiastic about? Find a way for your wife to WIN that is also a WIN for you.

My wifes love busters and unpleasant ways of speaking to me lately, as you may surmise from her posts, have left me feeling un-attracted to her and I have retreated to a safe distance emotionally because opening myself up to be affectionate with her or engaging in intimate conversation feels unsafe. I know this program gives gender specific advice and my wife tells me that you advise her not to have sex with me unless she "feels like it". Is this true?( we have not had sex in a week and I have not expected it under the circumstances) If so, would you advise me to show affection to her when I don't 'feel like it'? She spent days denying her disrespect and IB and at the same time says she is feeling miserable about our relationship because of the way I am treating her. Is it always up to the husband to make the first moves back toward intimacy ( which I did do when I left her a nice note immediately after her IB ) and how do I judge the proper timing (do I begin those moves though it still feels unsafe due to unrecognized LB)?

A nice note does not 15-20 hours of UA make. Indiana, I'm rooting for you guys, but to be honest you're not giving me much to root for here!

The are like really basic things, what have you don to become aware of the MB program?

Have you read the Basic Concepts? The articles on sexual aversion? It's super important for you not to push for SF, because that's how aversion gets created.

And it is critical for you to up your efforts in affection, IC, and RC, since you aren't making SF attractive to her right now. 15-20 hours. Did you plan this Sunday? It's Tuesday, man, time to get to work. You can do this!

Are you listening to the radio show? What is your program to save your marriage?

Indiana, in reading your wife's posts, one strong feeling I've had is that your UA time is probably suffering, and it's doubtful that you are having planning meetings to schedule heavy chunks of UA time. Without UA, goodwill suffers. Without goodwill, the downward spiral begins.

Am I correct about the UA being off track? Task/work planning should come after UA. Focus on 4 hours, of Recreational companionship and fun, positive, Intimate conversation, and the Affection and Sex environment gets back on track.

Keep in mind also that Dr. Harley tells us not to "punish" our spouses. So when you think about how to treat her, ask yourself, "Am I showing goodwill? Am I punishing? Hopefully she will do the same. Each of you is personally responsible for this.

He also says not to reward lovebusters. Doing UA time is not rewarding lovebusters, It is an act of goodwill, a basic necessity for the relationship. I like to think of it as food. Without it you slowly starve. I think heavy doses of proper UA helps us get back on track after such situations.


I know that doesn't exactly answer your question, but does it help at all?

Yes it is. See Dr. Harley's article on sexual aversion.


Yes. When the system has broken down, Dr. Harley advises that somebody needs to "prime the pump" to get the marriage working again. The main burden of pump priming usually falls on the husband.

See:
Should the Policy of Joint Agreement
Be Violated When Trying to Meet Your Spouse's Emotional Needs?


When your wife denies her love busters, you don't solve the problem by arguing with her about it for days. That kind of back and forth is murder for your marriage. The love bank withdrawals will be tremendous. This is the very definition of being in a hole and needing to stop digging.


Well, she IS miserable about your relationship because of the way you are treating her.


A lot of the time, yes.


First stop arguing with her and trying to get her to agree with you.

Then start trying to spend enjoyable time with her again. She may decline at first. Let her decline. But keep coming back and trying again. Show over time that if she will start spending time with you again she will not end up in an argument with you.

Read this article for the importance of your wife not having sex with you unless she is aroused and feels emotionally connected to you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html