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Winslow Offline OP
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Long story but I will try to condense it.

Been together 8 years, married for 5.
Im 31, shes 29.
We have a 2 year old daughter

Around the time our daughter was born we really started having problems. I am not the kind of guy that is good with babies. My wife did a lot on her own with the baby and feels like I didnt do enough to support her. She carries this anger towards me to this day. This is one of many things she claims she cant get over and move past.

I am a provider. I make a very large income and she makes very little. Im the first to admit im not a great emotional supporter. My wife is very emotional and relies heavily on her mom and sister as her "support group". They both dislike me and always have.

Around the time our daughter was born my wife had very bad PPD. Was medicated for it and weened off the medication. Im not convinced she ever fully came out of that depression. Anywa around that time our sex life flatlined. Zero sex for almost a full year. I have always had a fantasy of a 3some with my wife and another guy. She liked this idea also and long story short, i let her sleep with her ex one time. She said it was awful, she felt used, etc. it didnt turn out at all like we thought it would. However our sex life picked up after that.

We bought a new house about 6 months ago and moved in. Ever since we moved in she has been distant and cold towards me. Our sex life flatlined again around this time. I managed to talk her into it a couple times. The last time was about a month ago and when we finished she started crying. I couldnt get her to tell me why she was crying. She dismissed it as hormones/emotions from her recent cycle.

We have had some heated arguments in the last 6 months and at some point about 5 weeks ago she went to see an atty for divorce consultation. She didnt tell me at the time she had done this, but a friend of mine works in the same building as the atty firm she consulted with. He saw her car in the parking lot and saw her in the lobby of the attys office and notified me.

I didnt tell her that i knew, but asked her if she would go to marriage counseling. She agreed and we have been weekly for 5 weeks now. She has been telling the counselor she wants to work on our marriage, but i know shes talking with this atty. My spider senses are screaming this is BS, theres more to this story than she is telling me. I have a feeling she is emotionally, if not physically cheating with her ex. I have no proof and need to know whats going on so i put a GPS on her car. A week goes by and she finds the GPS. She comes unglued at me and says she is done and wants a divorce. That gets us to now pretty much. She hasnt moved out but we barely speak to each other. She has slammed the door on me emotionally and there doesnt appear to be any way to open it.

Any advice is welcome!

Thanks

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Welcome to MB.

You need to get spyware installed on her devices. Can you at least check online phone records to see who she is talking to?


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have access to phone recordsand have been watching them closely, but she uses imessage religiously which dont show up on a phone bill.

The only device she hs is her iphone. No ipad or laptop. The iphone is not password protected. I could grab it in the middle of the night but she has her instagram/facebook notifications turned on, so i would be clearing those notifications by opening her phone and she would find out when she looks at her phone in the am.

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Originally Posted By: Winslow
I have access to phone recordsand have been watching them closely, but she uses imessage religiously which dont show up on a phone bill.

The only device she hs is her iphone. No ipad or laptop. The iphone is not password protected. I could grab it in the middle of the night but she has her instagram/facebook notifications turned on, so i would be clearing those notifications by opening her phone and she would find out when she looks at her phone in the am.

Then put spyware on her phone when you can get her phone. A spyware that can show you all her activity.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Winslow Offline OP
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Im completely un-tech savvy. Wouldnt know where to start with spyware

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At this point, no one has filed for divorce. I have contacted the district court to confirm.

We are currently still living together. No one has moved out (yet).

I have asked her if she would consider reconciliation and wrote her a very humble letter, falling on the sword and owning a good portion (but not all) of the problems in our marriage. She read it but did not respond. We are trying to sell our house right now, and I have a feeling the day it sells she will bolt and file. Im hurting bad but also trying to make decisions with a clear head and trying to be logical. At first she told me she was done and wanted to immediately start talking about division of assets, "where do we go from here, what do we do now, i need a new car and cant afford one by myself, i need you to help me leave you" type talk. I didnt respond to any of it. Arkansas is not a "no fault" divorce state. Irreconcilable differences dont count as grounds for divorce. You have to claim abuse, infertility, indignities, abandonment, or have been physically separated for at least 18 months. This is not a divorce that will be over anytime soon if thats what she is hoping. So i didnt even bother responding to that. It felt like a knee jerk on her part because she was so pissed off about finding the gps on her car.

I have been avoiding relationship talk with her for about a week. Not pressing the issue. Trying to give her emotional space to cool off, calm down, and come back to the discussion table. We have been texting about non-marriage/non-relationship topics but she is short and brief with what she has to say. I understand she is angry but im having trouble figuring out if her emotional state is because of me or because of another guy or some combo of the two.

Last edited by Winslow; 07/05/16 08:38 AM.
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Originally Posted By: Winslow
Im completely un-tech savvy. Wouldnt know where to start with spyware


Hi Winslow, welcome to Marriage Builders. You MUST spy on her and get the evidence. We cannot help you move forward unless you do this. The reason is because it is the key to saving your marriage. You must bust up the affair and the only way to do that is to get the evidence and expose it.

Can you hire a PI?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I can hire a P.I. but im not sure what good he would do. I feel like I know where she is 24/7. If shes not at home she is at work or has our daughter with her doing something. Not sure when exactly she would have time for a physical relationship. She hasnt been staying out late or anything lately.

Last edited by Winslow; 07/05/16 10:18 AM.
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People can be inventive in carrying out affairs and hiding the proof from their spouses. Contact can be kept up by secret phones, hidden email accounts, all kinds of ways. Cheating doesn't have to be 100% physical. Waywards can be cheating emotionally.


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Originally Posted By: Winslow
I can hire a P.I. but im not sure what good he would do. I feel like I know where she is 24/7. If shes not at home she is at work or has our daughter with her doing something. Not sure when exactly she would have time for a physical relationship. She hasnt been staying out late or anything lately.


Unless you are with her 24/7 there are a million opportunities. She could have him in your home or go to his home. Your daughter is only 2, so its not like she couldn't carry on an affair with her around. You should hire a PI to tail her and ALSO place some voice activated recorders where she might use the phone, such as in her car or your house. You should also look around for a secret cell phone.

Do you want to save this? You need to step it up - and FAST - and get the evidence. Getting the evidence is the KEY to saving this.

Go to Radio Shack and buy some little voice activated recorders along with some velcro strips. Hide one under her car seat. OR ask the PI to do this. Work together with a good PI to get the goods.

Another thing you can do is grab her phone and read through it. I don't understand your reluctance to snoop on her. Of course you don't want to get caught, but getting caught is no great disaster, you just try another way. You have a RIGHT to know everything your wife does and it is clear she has something to hide. Its not like you are doing something wrong.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Winslow
Not sure when exactly she would have time for a physical relationship. She hasnt been staying out late or anything lately.


*MOST* cheating spouses don't stay out late because it would draw attention from their spouse. They are extremely clever in covering their tracks by meeting their lover at work, hotels, their own homes. It is common for them to take off work and meet their affair partner someplace. Even the dumbest cheater can conduct an affair without staying out late at night.

We had one such cheater who was crippled in a wheelchair and couldn't even drive. His wife dropped him off at work every day and picked him up. He had an affair at work for years!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you have her iTunes password? If so, get Wondershare from Dr. Fone. That will allow you to download her iMessage history, including deleted messages (within a certain time frame).


Remarried 7/16
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Turn of events. She came home this morning from spending the weekend at her moms with our daughter and she was 100% normal. Acting like everything is fine. Talking to me. Halfass flirting with me. 100% back to her normal self. I have a feeling when our kid goes to bed she will be chasing my zipper. How do I play this? Is this fake or a hormone swing? What the f is happening here??

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Did you read our posts?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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you said earilier:
Originally Posted By: Winslow
Not sure when exactly she would have time for a physical relationship. She hasnt been staying out late or anything lately.


Originally Posted By: Winslow
Turn of events. She came home this morning from spending the weekend at her moms with our daughter and she was 100% normal.


And now you tell us she spent the weekend away from you! huh? crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have read everything posted. I intend to get a VAR and put it in her car. I also intend to get a diffrent style gps and put it under the car somewhere she will never find.

As far as spending the weekend away from me I literally know everywhere she was the entire weekend. She never left her parents house which is 3 hours from here.. They had their annual 4th of july cookout with her family and grandparents. She never left the house except to come home this am. Also, the suspected OM was at his house here in town this weekend. I even drove by his house to check/calm my nerves. Nothing suspicious went down this weekend.

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How do i play this, short term? As in tonight when she wants sex and to emotionally reconnect? Is this a scam? Seems to good to be true.

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Originally Posted By: Winslow
I have read everything posted. I intend to get a VAR and put it in her car. I also intend to get a diffrent style gps and put it under the car somewhere she will never find.


Good!


Quote:
As far as spending the weekend away from me I literally know everywhere she was the entire weekend.


HOW do you know?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Winslow
How do i play this, short term? As in tonight when she wants sex and to emotionally reconnect? Is this a scam? Seems to good to be true.


You should be kind, polite and accommodating.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Im so lost and confused. No sex last night but we had a good day and went to bed in a good mood. Today was polar opposite. When she came home from work at 3 to change and go to the gym she was 99% b*tch 1% water. I got suspicious and followed her to the gym. She was there for an hour and then went to pick our daughter up from daycare. Suspected OM vehicle was not in the parking lot. She came home still 99% b*tch 1% water. Has had a cold look on her face all night, wont hardly look at me, giving me the cold shoulder, etc.

I dont understand what happened overnight last night. This is crazy

Last edited by Winslow; 07/06/16 09:21 PM.
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