You WILL get cold hard proof. Do some lateral thinking. You have the huge advantage of knowing the name of the person likely to be the affair partner. Start thinking about what searches you can do on that name. People are careless. I found the fat slag by doing a name search in a hard drive backup.

Winslow,

Your only hope of saving this marriage and/or regaining your wife's love for you is to follow, by the letter, the advice you are being provided here. Talking about what-if(s) will do you no go and only distract you from the things you need to do.

Your tasks:

1). Snoop. Do everything in your power to find evidence of an affair. If and when you find that come back here and these wonderful people will tell you EXACTLY what to do to have the optimal impact on saving your marriage. Don't go off thinking you have a better plan. You don't.

2). Plan A. This one is just as critical as the snooping. You need to make the home as pleasant as you can and you need to look extremely attractive (even though she may not realize it right now in her foggy state).

Doing a perfect Plan A will help you if there is or isn't infidelity.

If she's having an affair (likely) you will be a place she can land WHEN her affair is exposed and falls apart. Almost all affairs die a painful death.

If she isn't having an affair (highly doubtful) by looking attractive and proving you are a wonderful husband and father she'll have a change of heart. She'll get over being mad at you when you show her consistently that you've changed for the better.

Relationship talk isn't a part of Plan A when dealing with a fogged out wayward. There is nothing you can do to change her mindset (so stop thinking you can).

Waywards are like carbon copies of each other. They all act and do the same way. Stop following your heart or what you think you know about your wife and just follow the plan as the others have advised.

So what are you going to do today (besides snoop) to show your wife the new you? I'd say plan some fun things to do with your daughter this weekend and invite your wife to come along. If she doesn't want to go follow through with your fun anyways. Invite her to the next fun event.

You are doing everything you believe you are capable of.

MelodyLane believes you are capable of more.

How would you like to have someone who has helped hundreds or thousands of people go through this for over 15 years, helping you and coaching you through this, to give you the best chance possible?

A coach is someone who helps you realize you are capable of more than you think you can do.

Often when my children were younger I'd tell them to do something and they would say "I can't" or "I'm scared." I would respond "Do it anyway." Today they can do those things without problems.

She wanted to talk last night so i listened. She told me she was miserable, has been miserable for months, and this has been a downward spiral for her for 3 years that has finally hit rock bottom. She said she doesnt like me, doesnt trust me, feels like I have emotionally abused her, my personality has been so overwhelming that she doesnt know who she is anymore, she just wants to be happy and doesnt think that she can get over all the negative stuff in our past to be happy with me again.

I told her im not stopping her from leaving. She said she has no money to move out. She said her parents offered to loan her money to hire an atty and get a divorce. She feels trapped in the walls of our house and just wants out. She is planning to move in with her sister in 2 weeks when her sisters roommate moves. She wants space and to get away from me.

I listened to all that and it hurt like you can not imagine. I told her i understand, i agree, i dont blame her for how she feels, and i understand if she cant overcome all the things she told me were upsetting her. I told her I was here for her, I love her and I want to address everything she has on her mind when the time is right. Gave her a hug (she didnt hug back) and i walked out of the room.

In trying to be strong but I feel like she is emotionally punishing me by acting this way. Theres no way she is legitimately maintaining this level of disdain towards me. It seems like the nicer I am to her, the more she shuts me out. As an experiment today I went cold towards her earlier and got in my truck and left. She called me 4 times and sent a text ("where is DD's phone?") Came back home after 45 mins acting blank and quiet and she said "whats wrong? Is something going on? Where did you go?" And I said "nothing, im fine. I was on the phone with my dad." And that was about the end of my experiment. But I noticed she seemed to care all of a sudden when I did this.

You did great!


She shuts you out because she needs to DEMONIZE you in order to justify her plans. When you are nice to her you confuse her and wreck her plans.


And doing so only REINFORCES her demonization of you and makes the OM look good. I assure you the OM is not "going cold." I am sure the OM appreciates your efforts to make him look BETTER. It doesn't help you one bit. Women are not attracted to men who are "COLD" to them.

Your plan of giving her the cold shoulder is not strategic and only helps the OM.

She needs you to "go cold" so you play into her plans to wreck her marriage. That makes her feel better about her plans to leave you for the OM.

Keep in mind she is leaving you for a guy who is not cold to her, so you should question the effectiveness of your strategy. It is not strategic at all.

Why hasnt she left yet? Her family has offered her money for an atty, money for an apartment, etc. Why is she still here drowning in her sorrows? If she is as miserable as she claims, why is she still here?

My theory is she isnt as miserable as she claims to be, and she is having to make a conscious effort to wear this scowl around on her face 24/7 in hopes that it will kill my desire to save the marriage and make her feel better about leaving. Essentially scripting a miserable ending to the marriage which she would try to pin on me as the source. I mean I am literally being as nice as humanly possible without riding her coat tail. Almost azz-kisser level nice, and all she has to say is how miserable she is. Feels like I am pushing her away by being nice.

Told wife i was thinking about taking DD to a movie. She said she was thinking abt doing the same. So now we are going to see "The Secret Life Of Pets" as a family

Because she is very confused and doesn't know what she wants. She may leave, but MOST DON'T. Her "plans" are about as practical as the "plans" of a falling down drunk. She is addicted to the OM but she knows deep down there are alot of problems with that plan.


She is MORE miserable than she claims, she is living in holy hell and doesn't see a clear path out. Her goal is to pretend like living with you is intolerable, therefore, she must leave. Then when she leaves, she will bring the OM out into the open. That is the PLOY she is using.

So when you are nice to her, you confuse her and mess up her plan. When you are COLD or mean she uses that as ammunition to justify her plan.

Great!!! Be nice and polite and pleasant.

Anything new on the snooping?

She WANTS you to be mean and cold. That helps her fantasy. That helps her demonize you. Don't confuse women with men. MEN like to chase, women hate it and will resent you for it. Don't think for a minute that helps, it only harms.

What were her chief complaints about you a year ago before she wanted to leave?

Follow up items:

1. getting the book Survivng an Affair

2. getting intensive snooping in place

How is this going?

1) got it. Started reading last night. Didnt get far.

2) voice recorder in car. She has been home/off work all day today though. Nothing to report.

Movie went fine. DD sat between us. Wife didnt have much to say to me but it was fun for both of us to take our daughter to her first movie ever. DD loved it. Wife took a selfoe of all 3 of us when we sat down. That surprised me. Anyway when we got home from the movie my wife said "oh i forgot i needed to go to target. I will be right back". She left 15 mins ago. Target is about 3 miles from our house. Curious to see how long this trip takes.

Honestly dont remember. We have had our little disagreements along the way but I cant remember a time when she came to me with a laundry list like this. She has struggled with depression off and on since she had our daughter. She is currently on Lexapro and has been for about a month. I havent noticed any signs of improvement but she is obviously making a conscious effort to be cold and distant towards me, so i dont think antidepressants can have any measurable effect on behavior like that.

Do you have the VAR set up??

Winslow,
Whatever you find out, don't confront your wife or tell her about the VAR!! Most likely, you will need snooping methods far into the future.

Bring info here for next steps. Plat it cool and stay calm.

Yes. Will check it tonight after everybody goes to sleep. Have to kill the security cams at the house and then go retrieve it, connect it to my computer to upload files, then replace it in the car and power up the cameras again. Lot of work to do every day without getting caught

Understood. She told me last night that after finding the gps on her car she took her phone to verizon to see if i had installed spy apps or anything on it, and she changed her passwords to everything again. I was like "why would you care if you werent doing anything wrong?" And her reply was (im paraphrasing) "am i not allowed to have any privacy? You dont trust me and I cant be with someone who doesnt trust me. You have no reason not to trust me"