How is the intel coming along?

Nothing to report from snooping. The VAR has just caught her talking to our daughter driving down the road and the radio playing. Phone records show nothing other than her normal calls. Cant see imessages on the phone bill which is probably 75% of her text messaging so thats the big dark area and I have no access to it without just asking her for her password

I have been avoiding relationship talk with her and for me this falls under that category.

I have a bad feeling about her counselor, and I think you may be right. She hasnt made it far in the book based on where her bookmark is. I have read half of the book and to me its hogwash. Basically the book uses a bunch of metaphors and short stories to make the point that if you are unhappy with your life, dont let fear of the unknown keep you from throwing everything in the trash and starting fresh again. Its BS hippy logic, but my wife is naieve, reaching for answers to her own unhappiness and will take anything her counselor says to heart.

Currently my wife is looking for a new career path, considering dropping her hair career and doing something, anything, else. Her browser history shows job searches at random. Everything from dental assistant to retail sale, to front desk receptionist. Her search history also shows lots and lots of new car searches. Appears as though she is still planning to buy herself a car. None of this makes me feel very confident in the marriage recovery i am attempting here

Would it be too cliche and/or off-putting to send her flowers at work?

How did she find the GPS? Did you hint about it? Did she stumble across it?

Could her ex have a different car?

The stupid company sent a "welcome" packet in the mail about 2 weeks after i bought and received the unit. She checked the mail one day when I wasnt home and saw the packet, opened it, and then she went out to her car and found it plugged in under the dash.

No, her ex only has one vehicle. I have been by his house enough times to know this without a doubt.

When your wife complains, do you minimize it or do you come up with a plan? In the minimum, the next time she gives a specific complaint, do not shrug it off.

Your initial post reflects long periods of time when you ignored her complaints.

Responding to a SPECIFIC complaint when she brings up is not relationship talk. It is part of Plan A.

Maybe you don't need her to list but don't turn a blind eye to something you feel is petty or small. If it matters to her then it should matter to you.

Understood. Thats one of many things I am trying to work on. The problem is my wife wont hardly speak to me right now so trying to work on things is proving to be next to impossible. The list of things she is upset about seems simple to me to fix.

She complains that we never had a joint bank account and when she brought it up I resisted. I have a new attitude towards it now, so consider it done. I can do that tomorrow. Her response: "dont do anything right now"

I gave her $500 yesterday just because I dont know if she is broke right now or not and I want her to have some money on hand. Didnt make a big deal about it. Just slid it in her purse without saying anything. She hasnt said a word to me about it.

She says that she doesnt trust me. I offered passwords to everything I have. Told her she can track my vehicle all she wants. Im an open book and want her to feel like she can trust me. I have nothing to hide. Her response: "I just have a lot to think about right now"

I havent been the supportive husband that she wants. I have been busting my azz around the house lately, doing everything I can with our daughter, offering words of support, etc. Today I noticed she was very closed off to me and had very little to say. I sent her a text that said "You seem kinda bummed today. Try to have a good day. Everything is gonna be okay. If you need anything from me just ask." Her reply was a "thumbs up".

I havent interacted with her family like she wants. I cant do anything about that until her family comes around, but I owned that one, acknowledged the relationship she has with her family is far more important than I have acknowledged. I explained that my family is small and disconnected so I dont feel the way about my family that she does about hers, and thats my fault, and I see how important they are to her now and I can respect that.
"Blank stare. No response"

She feels like I am a wet blanket on her and she doesnt even know who she is anymore. I own that also. I can be overbearing, intimidating, opinionated and controlling at times and I am working to get my personality under control. I realize that my personality works great outside of our marriage but I am learning that this relationship is far more sensitive to personality conflicts, and I am working on becoming more self aware to keep this under control. Her response: "I just dont know if I am willing to do this anymore" or something to that effect.

Everything I am saying is meeting a brick wall. But she also hasnt slammed the door (yet) by moving out, etc. She hasnt filed for D (yet). She is camping out upstairs like a little kid pouting. Im ready and willing to address everything she is upset about, own my failures, and start being the best husband I can be, but she wont have it.

Also, and my wife 100% admits this, she is the type to bottle up her frustrations with me and hold it for months before dumping a huge bucket of her pain and frustration on me. That in turn makes her feel like our relationship is awful because look at all these problems!! I have tried to explain the importance of communicating her grievances to me so we can work on them and work through them, but she just cant do it. This is my #1 beef with our relationship. She is an awful communicator and it makes little problems into huge ones over time.

The monumental disrespect outlined in red exemplifies everything about your attitude during this marriage, and it's no wonder your wife won't have anything to do with you. How dare you describe her in that way, after all the things you listed about your own behaviour prior to this.

You pretty much abandoned her to bring up her new baby on her own. Have you any idea how much a woman wants her husband and father of her child to support her and show his love by being involved, in those early, crucial, frightening, magical months? By leaving her to it because you were not good with babies, you shattered one of the most important hopes she had for your marriage at that stage.

And you think that now you've been frightened into "being ready" and owning your failures" for all of - what? A month? - that she should grow up and stop acting "like a little kid", and take you at your word? I don't think she's the one who's been acting like a little kid here. You should be ashamed of your behaviour as a father until now.

You've a lot to learn about Marriage Builders, especially about meeting your wife's emotional needs - for Family Commitment, for example - and also about avoiding Love Busters such as disrespectful judgements ("like a little kid pouting").

And by the way, avoiding relationship talk goes against Dr Harley's advice to offer to meet the emotional needs she will let you meet, and to offer a much better marriage, if she will end the affair and give you a chance. I realise that you cannot be certain that she is having an affair, so you cannot get her to agree to end it, but even if she isn't, you've made a pig's ear of your marriage and you need to respect her feelings about that, and talk to her about how all that will be changed.

Wife just text me a screenshot of a text from her ex that she got today. It says "everything going good?"

She said (to me) "EXBF just sent me this. not exactly sure what im supposed to do. So im just letting you know."

My response was: "I'd appreciate if you told him not to contact you anymore. I really feel like he is a problem and needs to go completely away."

Its taking everything in my body to not drag this guy out in the street and spill his blood. I know what he is doing. "Everything going good?" Tells me he is asking her "hows your divorce coming along?" Im furious.


Edit: she replied to him: "Not Really. Sorry that I kinda drug you into all of this. The whole thing is pretty messed up so I think its best that we dont talk anymore. I think its making things more complicated. I hope that makes sense"

His reply: "yep"

I told her "thank you"

She said "no problem"

This tells me my suspicions and you all's were accurate. It sounds like she has been in regular contact with this guy giving him the details of our marriage falling apart and probably getting emotional support from him. He is waiting in the wings for her to leave me so he can slide in and rescue her from the pain. This was an emotional affair and she has told on herself. What to do now?

Translation: she's a miserable, spiteful, vengeful beotch, and this is all her fault.

Whoa. Read the previous 18 pages of me owning every problem in our relationship before making that comment about the one issue i have with her.

That was all negated - all of it - by your description of her "like a little kid pouting". If you really "owned" all that you described, you could never have made that comment.

I accept the blame for every problem I have cause in our marriage. Regardless of what problems i feel like she is responsible for. Taking responsibility for my own contributions has no correlation with the problems I feel like she has. My reference to her acting like a child, I feel like, is an accurate comparison. Would I say to her face "you are acting like a child"? Of course not. Im venting on this forum my frustrations. I think a mature way of handling this on her part would be to talk it out with me. But with the latest revelation of her all but admitting her affair, i feel lost with how to proceed from here

I would go pay this rat a visit and tell him to take a hike and stay out of your marriage. He needs to know that this is none of his business and he is causing problems in your marriage.

SC, just so you know, I told him to stop having relationship "talks" with her because he was pushing her to "communicate" with him when she is in withdrawal. I told him to avoid these type of combative discussions and focus on meeting her needs and being as pleasant as possible. That is what he means when he says he is avoiding relationship talks.

When he gets the evidence of an affair, if any, we will coach him to address this with his wife.

Id love to, but he will tell my wife and then she will get mad at me for not trusting her to end it. Trying hard to avoid things that make her mad right now.

That's fine. Our goal is to save your marriage by running this rat off, not to avoid making your wife angry at all cost. He needs to hear from you every time he interferes in your marriage.

Gotcha.