Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 14 of 23 1 2 12 13 14 15 16 22 23
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Yea, turn off the Maylasia news and change to the Russian/ ukraine news.


Or watch Walking Dead its an awesome show lol.

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Originally Posted By: TranquilDark
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
Yea, turn off the Maylasia news and change to the Russian/ ukraine news.


Or watch Walking Dead its an awesome show lol.


Haha. Love the zombie genre, but can't connect with the characters in that series. It seems a little like George Romero gone soap opera. Love Romero, but soap operas? Not so much.

But speaking of AMC, Breaking Bad held my attention from start to finish. A profane show, but a guilty pleasure I must admit.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
You're not alone...Dr. Harley himself watches Breaking Bad

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
Love that show as well. "I am the one who knocks"

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
We all have our triggers that come at us from a blind curve. News. People in elevators, signs on freeways, etc.







Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Originally Posted By: reading
We all have our triggers that come at us from a blind curve. News. People in elevators, signs on freeways, etc.


Very true, Reading. And as time passes they become less hurtful.

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 863
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 863
Justthe3ofus,

I just wanted to chime in and say how much your story has encouraged me. My wife is currently engaged in an affair that has been going on for at least six months (eight or nine if you count the EA). She filed for divorce in August, and we're still headed in that direction. I haven't done a very good job in Plan A, so I was feeling bad about that, but it was encouraging to see that you had some missteps, too, and yet your wife still found her way back.

God bless!


Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968
Originally Posted By: nmwb77
Justthe3ofus,

I just wanted to chime in and say how much your story has encouraged me. My wife is currently engaged in an affair that has been going on for at least six months (eight or nine if you count the EA). She filed for divorce in August, and we're still headed in that direction. I haven't done a very good job in Plan A, so I was feeling bad about that, but it was encouraging to see that you had some missteps, too, and yet your wife still found her way back.

God bless!


I was reading through this thread last night as Justthe3ofus has given me a lot of encouragement and I wanted to see his story, and I thought of your situation nmwb77 since this involved a recovery after the divorce. Great story here.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 863
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 863
Yes, axslinger, this story is wonderful! Dare I say it looked almost as hopeless as my situation...or maybe even more hopeless... At least in my situation, my wife can't marry her AP (at least for now).


Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Well, sad news.

My wife and I recovered our marriage after getting divorced due to her affair in 2011. The past four years have been good up till now.

Recently I took my daughter on a college tour and at the end of the tour she told me that she saw her mom (my wife) on her phone cam with another man. She was all made up. She told my daughter that she was just talking to a friend from England. It was very hard for my daughter to break the news to me. She is very angry at her mother for doing this. Long story short, after further investigation I leaned that my wife has gone back to chat rooms (the same source of her first infidelity) and has been skyping with other men.

And so after gathering enough evidence I confronted her and told her that the marriage is over. I had told her before that if this happened again, I would divorce her.

She said that she is not a relationship with another man, and that is probably true. She said she only did it to fill her mind. She loves sex of the mind. My wife is kinky and she likes BDSM. I am fairly conventional. We have great sex, but there are areas that go unfulfilled for her. She's a teacher and has been off work this summer, so she got bored and turned to chat rooms again.

Still, trolling for mind sex is not okay with me even if she did nothing physical. Further, I know where this leads.

I hate to throw it all away over this, but I'm not willing to go through this again. I'm not willing to enable her for a third time.

Heading to divorce is devastating and runs counter to my values, but I feel I need to do this. She is willing to leave the house but I think she would rather stay married. She still loves me, but not very much. Maybe she'll realize again that I am the love of her life (as she did the last time we divorced), but you only die twice in this life.

I'm sorry to report this news as others here may find it discouraging as they work to recover their own marriages. To them I would say, keep at it. I am still very thankful that Marriage Builders helped me to recover my marriage the first time around.

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
Very sad news. You have given it your best.

Last edited by Bellevue; 07/17/16 11:56 AM.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
I'm so sorry.

I want to say many other things, but that would involve breaking the rules on profanity.

Sorry.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Justthe3ofus
Still, trolling for mind sex is not okay with me even if she did nothing physical. Further, I know where this leads.

I hate to throw it all away over this, but I'm not willing to go through this again. I'm not willing to enable her for a third time.

Heading to divorce is devastating and runs counter to my values, but I feel I need to do this. She is willing to leave the house but I think she would rather stay married. She still loves me, but not very much. Maybe she'll realize again that I am the love of her life (as she did the last time we divorced), but you only die twice in this life.

This is eminently recoverable, though.

If you cannot stomach going through recovery ever again that 's fair enough, but you, like she would rather stay married, then that is what you should work towards. It would take her willingness to implement the extraordinary precautions that you probably already know much about, and the additional stringency that goes with recovery when serial cheating is involved. Most importantly, she would probably have to work in an all-female environment and be monitored for Internet use at work (that might be possible in some teaching jobs), or she would have to give up working outside the home. She would agree never to use electronic communications without your being present.

Would you say that, after the last affair, you fully implemented the list of EPs on Dr Harley's list?

Have you properly exposed this affair? Do you know anything about the "friend from England"? Can you expose on his side? You should expose properly even if you intend to divorce.

Would she be willing for you both to write to Dr Harley? I know that he could help you recover for good, if there is any doubt in your mind about pursuing divorce.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote:
Recently I took my daughter on a college tour

Have ya'll been spending nights apart?

Quote:
so she got bored and turned to chat rooms again.

How is it possible for her to be in chatrooms without you immediately knowing?

Quote:
She still loves me, but not very much.

Have you been spending 15-30 hours a week on dates meeting her emotional needs?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Thank you, everyone, for your replies.

To answer some of the questions:

Yes, I gave my wife the list of EP's and they were agreed upon. I told her in clear terms that if she fooled around again I would not give her another chance.

We did not meet the full 15 hours UA time. We went on dates a lot, took weekends together together alone occasionally, and go on evening walks together, but we didn't meet the allotted minutes. That played a part in her boredom. However, what led her to chat rooms was her idle time alone in the summer. I work in the summers and she's off. She has been on her phone nonstop and she will lock the door to our room when the kids are home with her.

My job doesn't require a lot of travel; however, I do most of the parenting with our teenage daughters. I have been very involved with our youngest daughter's basketball activities, which my wife doesn't get involved with. Coaching her team takes time and so does going to her games and tournaments, which on rare occasions require weekends away from home. So I played a part in this.

Regardless, she has a restless heart and there is a history of this with her mother and father.

SC, I will consider writing Dr. Harley. Thank you for that advice. At this point I don't want to continue the marriage, but a part of me is struggling with filing for a legal separation.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Justthe3ofus
Yes, I gave my wife the list of EP's and they were agreed upon. I told her in clear terms that if she fooled around again I would not give her another chance.

We did not meet the full 15 hours UA time.


To me, that's just an extremely unfair thing to do to a woman.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Justthe3ofus
Regardless, she has a restless heart and there is a history of this with her mother and father.

It bothers me somewhat that you say this, and also what you said about BDSM, as if they are innate aspects of her that cannot be controlled.

It could be that she has a "restless heart" - or that she needs the thrill of knowing that men find her attractive; that she is addicted to knowing that she can "pull" as we say over here, anytime she wants...but we are all like that, to some extent. We are all wired to have affairs. She may be more so than average, but I'm not sure you've EPd your life so that she does not go seeking opportunities. By that I mean both from the point of view of having a fulfilling marriage, and also of not having the space for a secret second life. if you've been coaching your daughter's team, that probably took up a lot of time that you could have spent with your wife.

And as for her mother and father: when he was young, Dr Harley worked out that every man in his direct line, for a few generations, had had affairs. That didn't mean that he did the same thing; in fact it made him determined to be the opposite.

I'm sorry if this sounds like criticism, but I just don't think you've done recovery the way Dr Harley advises, and I would urge you to reconsider going through with your threat...if there is a small part of you that does not want divorce.

Has your wife given you the BDSM argument as the reason why she does what she does? How did she hope to have that "need" fulfilled over the Internet?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Marcos,

I will be ignoring your posts and your wife's. Just letting you know out of consideration for your time.


Last edited by Justthe3ofus; 07/17/16 02:02 PM.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Justthe3ofus
Marcos,

I will be ignoring your posts and your wife's. Just letting you know out of consideration for your time.



That's okay. I will continue to let all of the onlookers know that the program doesn't work when you don't follow the policy of undivided attention and also how unfair it is to any woman to expect her not to be restless when she doesn't get her emotional needs met. Hopefully we will warn some people not to make the same mistakes. This is like expecting a man to remain in a sexless marriage.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote:
My wife and I recovered our marriage after getting divorced due to her affair in 2011.

I'm sorry, but this simply isn't true. You never recovered your marriage because you still spend nights apart and you are neglecting UA. You never became integrated (if you had, she would not have been able to get into a chat without you knowing). You didn't recover -- you simply pushed the inevitable further down the road.

Your story should be a warning to anyone reading about what happens when you cherry-pick the program.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Page 14 of 23 1 2 12 13 14 15 16 22 23

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 22 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,550
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5