After 14 years of abuse and neglect I am divorcing my husband. We found Marriage Builders in 2010 and applied so many of the concepts and did so well that to many people it looked like we had a really good marriage. I never told anyone about the abusive things my husband said and did. I honestly had trouble seeing where we crossed the line from normal marriage unpleasantries into abuse and I still struggle to see what he did to me as abusive even though everyone I tell is appalled. (They aren't obvious LBs and he twisted MB concepts into abuse, if that makes sense)
We separated for good in April. His LB balance was in the negative and he knew it. It was a huge wake-up call to him and he is in AA and anger management. We have an enormous circle of friends that was mostly chosen/dictated by him. Since the separation he has been socializing 5 days a week and I have been laying low and just keeping to myself. Just recently I began to socialize with our friends again.
My husband has already slept with someone else and has informed me that he won't be waiting until the divorce is final to sleep with other people. I have been really open about everything with close friends that I talk to. I am close with the women, he is close with the men and we all socialized together.

He was very upset that I talked about him sleeping with someone else. He does not consider it cheating because we were separated with no chance of reconciliation. Our friends are making up their own minds.

I have been open about his behavior during our marriage and it is really affecting people's opinions of him.

I don't want to be vindictive but I am not willing to keep his secrets or to hide what I went through in our marriage. I should have sought support long ago but I was loathe to talk about what he said and did.

I am struggling with guilt. He was raised and taught to be abusive. It's just a reflex for him. He has been such a mess since we separated and his image and having a lot of friends and admiration from others is the most important thing. I don't know the appropriate way to behave. I have no sense of normality because I tolerated the most ridiculous amounts of abuse and didn't even know it. Even now I struggle to accept just how abusive he is/was. I was so young when we met and I was abusive also. (the LBs of angry outbursts and DJs etc.) I eliminated my abuse systematically over the last 6 years and he did not. We had over 30 sessions with Steve.

My husband admits that he would not have stopped any of his behaviors as long as there was a sliver of a chance I would put up with it. He blames me for taking the abuse when I should have left.

I know I can lay low and just make new friends? I am very close to many of these people that we have cultivated friendships with. We co-parent so I can't just move.

I don't know what is okay and what isn't. One thing I love about MB is that the concepts really apply to how we live our lives and interact with others regardless of marriage. I want to be ethical and respectful. I get so much peace and comfort from people knowing the truth but I feel guilty and I don't know if I am inappropriately gaining at his expense.

Hi Coffee girl,
I remember you.

So a few things. Letting others know about the abuse is a good step. I have come out of the same and here are the pointers given to me by Dr. Harley.

1. Go into plan B. (yes-abuse and affairs call for this. Figure out how to do it and do it. You absolutely can do it with kids)

2. If you had any friends that are joint- you either need to pick who gets who or make all new friends. Trust me- this is way way way better in the long run. I personally chose just to get new friends. I also just went ahead and unfriended them all and am going to close down my facebook for a while and start up some time later.

3. Find a great counselor that deals with how to help women get over abusive marriages. (calling the womens shelters can give you some great insight)

4. YOU have to focus on creating a new and wonderful life for yourself full of things you enjoy and make you happy.


You are divorcing him.
Stop thinking about him.
stop thinking about gaining at his expense. You never have to think about that again.
Stop thinking about him by blocking him totally from your life and go make a great life for yourself.
Stop even allowing yourself to ever mention him or talking about him (it doesn't help)

Get a new church, new friends and just planning out good and wonderful things for your future will really help. Make a list of things YOU would like to do or accomplish.

I love the relationship I have with my kids now, I have wonderful new friends etc.

Any deviation from the above can still wreak your health and keep you stuck forever.
I am shocked that your post is actually still all about him.

Let focus on getting you through the divorce and into plan B as soon as possible.

coffeegirl, I am so proud of you for taking this step. I was reading through your thread MARVELING how similar abused women are. For example, Flowergirl, recently divorced, had the hardest time accepting and believing she was really abused. Her husband is a drug addict and was extremely abusive for years. The abuse was crazy obvious to onlookers, but was not obvious to her. She has been divorced for a few months now and is starting to come out of that fog and realize the gravity of the situation.

Another similarity is that flowergirl feels guilty. Her husband used that guilt to manipulate her for years. Sometimes divorce is the definition of success and I would suggest that is the case here.

I have no advice about the divorce, but about sharing friends. DH's ex remains friendly with his best friend and the friends gf. They have a kid same age as skids so thats their excuse. Recently they had a party for their kid and stressed us about the date to ensure we'd have skids, bc skids celebrating too was sooooo important to them. But I found out on fb they went with biomom to celebrate with her a few days prior. Why the stink over skids attending if they still made plans with biomom? We've had other dramas bc of this shared friendship. So for me I know the friends are lying to one or both of us, I know there are fake moments, I know sometimes they just want the gossip. But they wont cut ties with biomom knowing the hurt it cost us and dh wont cut ties with friends. And I try to enjoy our outings with them as they are generally decent people, but Im on gaurd for how what is said/done may come back to bite us. If you do remain friends with them, set up boundaries of things that are not aloud as topics, and be warned things could get a bit crazy if their loyalty is up for debate.

Thank you for the sound advice. Yes, everything is always about him. It's the way I am wired and it serves me really well in most of my relationships (I am not a giver, but I am empathetic. In other relationships I tend to have good boundaries)

Anyway, you have given me a lot to ponder and it gives me peace to realize that I don't have to worry about his feelings anymore and I can let friends go if it gets too stressful or dicey.

coffeegirl,

I am glad you are getting to see the sense of empowerment that comes from not staying silent about your husband's abuse! Isn't it interesting how he continues to try to manipulate you by debating whether or not it's right for you to discuss his disgusting behavior with others, and debating whether or not he has engaged in "cheating."

You'll find it's very empowering to simply not engage in debates with him. He can have those debates by himself in an empty room if they interest him. And you'll find that going dark with him, simply not seeing or talking to him at all, is even more empowering.

Glad to hear you are taking this opportunity to take control of your life!

I would hug you if I could! I totally believe you!

One thing I have found is that most of us abused women are extremely empathetic. It is used to destroy us! Getting around other women who have walked out of this was and has always been such a blessing. You will see not only the pattern in the abusive men, but the pattern in the women. It is eye opening!

I am also not asking you to become some vindictive person in the divorce. Most are pretty cut and dry. I hope you have a good lawyer.

The biggest thing I wish we could help you with is how to go into plan B. Do you know how? Have you read up on it? I am sure you have questions- go ahead and ask!

How are you doing Coffee?