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Originally Posted by Whatworld
Makes sense re schedule and we do have a "set schedule" but agree to switches as necessary (I.e. travel for work) and right of first refusal. He took it to the extreme though seeking changes in schedule to go away with OW though. He hasn't asked for a change since and I will be hesitant to agree to a change again if there's not a solid reason for it. I need to decide how to respond in the event it happens again.
On one hand- I say "no. We have a scedule in place and as you know, we shouldn't be altering it on a whim." But as Markos is highlighting, when there's an unreliable, incapable parent involved, less contact may be ok. And before anyone suggests that "bad husband doesn't always equal bad parent," let me make the suggestion that this doesn't apply here. So when he is making changes, I see that my girls end up with the solid reliable parent more and I'm not inclined to say "you can't change the schedule". To me, stability is me. It is not him. So I do tend to say "no problem" when a sshede change keeps them with me more. Maybe wrong, I don't know...but I'm still learning this crazy new world.
My children, by the way, are 2 and 6. So while my 6 year old needs to start recognizing and understanding her emotions for what they are, she is still only 6. Half the adults I know don't have adequate coping skills. I and her IC think she is actually highly developed on this front in that after she calms down, she very clearly see and understands what really set her off and is capable of discussing it with me far better than many adults could.

Your inability to enforce the boundaries around the schedule is the precise reason to have an IM. You are vulnerable to him no matter what. I am in the same position. My soon to be ex resisted a schedule for a long time. We have one in place now, but sometimes have to accommodate changes for holidays or special occasions.

However, there is never any drama around the changes. It goes through an IM. I don't know why he asking unless it is obviously a holiday or he has something like a family wedding or funeral, and my IM would never tell me if it were anything else. If it is not convenient for me, I simply say "no." If he causes drama, I don't know about it or react to it. That's the peace of Plan B, even if you have to share custody.

The point of an IM is feeling SAFE and not so out-of-control about these situations. This won't be so much of an issue and you won't have it on your mind so much if you simply say, "no" and never hear about it again.

I am sympathetic to your issues with your daughter. She is little. However, Markos is right on some level. Have you told your daughter why you divorced? She is old enough to know (I have told my 4-year old). It will help to put her father's behavior in context. He did this to her just as much as he did it to you. Kids understand betrayal and it helps them understand that it's not about them at all. The truth will give her freedom in that sense (it's not me. It's my dad's bad behavior).



Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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And before anyone suggests that "bad husband doesn't always equal bad parent," let me make the suggestion that this doesn't apply here.
He's wayward. Of course he's a bad parent.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It is not in ANYONE'S best interest to be "flexible", especially your children.

I have to agree, the have tried to be flexible with my WW, while we have temporary agreements. It's just comes back to hurt me. Give them a inch and thy will try to take a mile.


BH 34
D-Day- 6/2015
Married 4 years
DD 11 and 4
DS 1
Plan A+Exposure

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