Well, we are all moved in... It's amazing how much stuff we don't have anymore... I don't have near the additional income I thought I would have but we are making ends meet. My wife has asked me to sleep with her again and even had sex a couple times, yet I was reminded that we are still not back together nor have we worked out our problems. I am doing all that I can to be everything I can be and be husband and father number 1. Every now and then I am reminded that we are not a couple and that I am sitting too close or hug on her when she doesn't want it. She is on 2 types of ADs yet she is still highly depressed. I am settling in nicely at work and thoroughly enjoy the idea of coming home. I don't ask her to do anything. I cook, do the dishes, do the laundry and fold, keep the rooms cleaned up. Her and I play video games in the evening when we can be by ourselves. This totals more than 15 hours a week. I try to find new things for us to get or recreation time together each week. Staying away from bars and night clubs. I'm running out of ideas though. I am still very concerned that she is still on the "I'm only here because of the kids" theme. I realize that this didn't happen over night and I can't expect it to get any better any time soon. But being in the same house, the same bed, and looking at this woman day in and out, yet I can't show my affection or gain any from her? This is really hard!!!

It has been nearly a month without contact with the OM. Texts, Social Media, and personal contact has completely dropped off. I am vigilant and have completely stopped talking about the affair, but it does haunt me.

She agreed to move in with me a few months ago "unwillingly" with the terms that she will not be happy until she gets a job and moves out, yet she hasn't started looking and has completely stopped talking about moving out. I think she really loves the house we are living in. It is far better than anything we have ever lived in. She has stated that she is only here for the kids. Should I mention or keep bringing it up that I would like to work on the marriage? Should I ask her to make a choice on moving out or staying with me for me and her... not for the kids? I'm kinda stumped here. I don't want a roommate nor a "friend with benefits". I want a happy, romantic, and loving relationship.

I am following the plan. Policy of undivided attention (Check 15+hrs a week). Policy of Joint Agreement (Kinda...) I am still giving in to way too much. As many ENs as I can fill and no LBs (minor infractions, but working on them) I am still having some difficulty with annoying habits. More advise would be greatly appreciated.

I am printing off the ENs and LB worksheets today (again). I'm not sure if shes ready or willing... timing may be very tricky. But I need to have a better understanding of what upsets her and why she feels like I can't make her happy. She hates talking about our relationship because of my history with disrespectful judgments, so I avoid talking about it.

Please offer any incite or criticisms you may have.

Court her - get her to fall in love with you.

Why would you do this?

How will you feel if she responds by moving out? Would you rather have her move out than stay for the kids? If you would really rather she left than stayed for the kids, then you don't need our permission to issue this ultimatum. If you are prepared to face that possible consequence, then by all means go through with that.

Plan A is based on the assumption that your wife is not all in with the marriage; if she were, you would be in Recovery, and not Plan A. Plan A is designed to give her the best "you". This might cause her to end the affair, or if, as it seems, it has already ended, it will encourage her to reinvest in the marriage, because of your kindness and consideration.

You've managed to get her to move with you, and, apparently, to give up the affair. This gives you an enormous advantage that you can capitalise on. Having achieved this much, why would you issue an ultimatum that if she isn't in love with you now (and her depression has a lot to do with that) she should leave?

Being in love with you is not a choice she can make. It is a feeling that only you can instill in her. So if you want her to be in love with you, court her. Don't issue ultimatums. That will only drive her away -- especially since it is something she just can't choose to give to you.

I initially stayed with markos because of the kids. And his paycheck. These were the logical parts of our relationship, and a big draw to me. Don't discount the logical part of your relationship with her. It's vital. The Romantic love will come as long as she never has contact with the OM again and you continue to court her. Follow the plan.

Thank you Marcos! I shall! Time to find baby sitters

Thank you so much! My depression still seems to be very real. I get down on myself often and even worse case seeps into my head. To be very honest... I do find myself scared to fall back in love with her. I do love her, just the romantic side isn't there.

I almost envy you and Marcos.... Almost :p

Are you on antidepressants? If you aren't, you need to get on them. If you are, you need to see a doctor and have them adjusted.

I shall. I was on them when this all started, it only made it worse though. I'm thinking I was just on the wrong ones too.

If it made things worse, then they were the wrong ones for you. They shouldn't make you feel worse. There are a wide variety of anti depressants, and your doctor can help you find the right one. The antidepressant should just even out the highs and the lows, making it possible for you to make clear-headed decisions that would otherwise seem impossible.

I agree. I have done a lot of research on depression and have had bouts with it just about my entire life. Part of the reason I am here.

I am struggling with the idea of courting my wife. I'm not exactly sure of what to do. I would like to start taking her on dates... She loves gifts, but need to be careful if funds are tight.

A couple weeks ago, I invited her mother to spend the weekend with us starting this Friday. Last night she called to confirm and somehow the weekend turned into all week? I did not agree to this nor was my input asked for or heard. I'm a little upset about it but trying to keep it in.

Regarding gifts, one of the things that I have learned is that my wife loves frequent small gifts. They don't have to be expensive for her. If I just bring her a soda when I stop by the store she likes that. Or a bottle of nail polish or a little bit of chocolate. Or flowers from Wal-Mart, which are very affordable. She also loves for me to leave her a note when I leave for work in the morning.

Anything to show her I'm thinking about her makes love bank deposits, and those add up over time.

When you POJAed the original invitation with your wife were you specific about the length of the visit?

Those are great ideas!!! Thanks Marcos!

Yeah so here's the problem... I am following the POJA... She is not ready to even talk about the relationship yet nor negotiate...

Yes, the conversation was actually, "Hey girl, how would you feel about inviting your mom over for the weekend? Next Friday - Sunday? Maybe she could even go to church with us? It's just a thought and we would have a few extra dollars that weekend?"

What was her response to that suggestion?

She called her mother directly and offered the idea to her... That was almost 2 weeks ago though. We have hit on the topic a few times since then, never changing anything other than a start time... Last week to this week. But last night they (her mother and my spouse) decided that it would now be a week's visit. Not asking me anything. In fact, I had to over hear the conversation and then ask for the details... She didn't act like she was even going to mention it.

So this was not negotiated, no POJA here so no violation either. Keep working plan A. At some point you will both learn how to negotiate. Love first :-)