If you don't want your mother-in-law to stay for a week, then you need to tell your wife so. There is no point in your stuffing your resentment in front of your wife, but meanwhile coming to complain to the forum. We can't do anything about this issue!

Tell your wife that you were happy for her mother to come for a weekend, as you and your wife original agreed, but you are not happy for her to stay for longer than that. See whether you can come to an agreement with your wife about how to tell her mother that you (both) would like to change the arrangement back to a weekend.

Come to an agreement about how that decision should be conveyed as a mutual decision. Do not allow your wife to say that she would have loved her mother to come for a week, but her miserable husband won't allow that.

Tell your wife you really didn't want your mother-in-law to come for a week, just a weekend - and do it in a way that doesn't involve pushing the ejection seat button on the seat your wife is sitting in.

Thank you all! I think we are breaking ground on a realization here that goes beyond the mother-in-law. For just about our entire marriage, or at least from all that I can remember, I have nearly always done exactly what my spouse found favorable and disregarded what I wanted to do or thought. This really isn't the case all the time, but a good portion. And I am willing to bet, she feels something similar. Point I am making: Her and I both have gone out of our way and out of our comfort zones to appease each other (the Giver) to the point where the Taker assumes control when the balance of give and take no longer adds up. Lately my Giver has been in over drive trying to get her to fall in love with me again and my taker is beating down the door trying to take control. Right now her taker is fully in charge, I understand that.

She is in the "I don't care" state. Nearly every question or option I bring to her is met with an "I don't care" or "It doesn't matter" answer. I can't remember exactly where this is in. Is she coming out of withdrawal?


Sorry for the segway... Tonight I will ask her to sit down and talk with me about it. I am just trying to build as many love units as I can right now.

We get that she doesn't care right now. That's okay.
Your complaint does not need to be a long, drug-out, sit down discussion. You need to make it short and sweet.
"Honey, it bothers me that your mother is coming for a full week. I was enthusiastic about a weekend, but not a whole week."
She may blow up. Don't engage, don't reason, don't explain, don't continue the discussion. Move on ... "What movie would you like to watch tonight? Would you like popcorn?"

The point is to get your complaint out there. It will be up to her to make the necessary changes. She may not listen this time. In fact, expect her not to listen this time, but get her used to hearing you complain.

If you have a sit down discussion with her, explaining to her how she's not following marriage builders, not only will you be lovebusting her but you will also be turning MB into a threat. She will see it as "Do MB, or else." And that will make her want to get as far away from MB as she possibly can.

Threats don't work. Ever.

Make the complaint, but make it short and sweet. Then move on. You can't force her to get on board -- you can only lead by example AND by filling her lovebank to the point that she cares.

I mentioned it to her just as you said and left it alone. She didn't reply, get upset, or even look at me, but when her mother got here, her mother tried to explain why she was going to stay the whole week and how plans had changed with their conversation. She (mother-in-law) apologized several times.

On a different note... It almost feels like she is making a constant conscious decision not to fall in love or allow me close enough to meet her intimate ENs. It truly feels like she is fighting me on it?

Yes, she will do that. That's okay. You need to calmly keep trying to meet her emotional needs anyway, while avoiding lovebusters. As long as you do that, and the OM is out of the picture, you will be making small lovebank deposits that will add up over time. But she will fight you the entire time -- her emotions tell her to get away from you.

Markos says it's like trying to hug a porcupine.

Ok I laughed a little at that... And Marcos is right!!!

What would be off limits? Should I not touch her? try to hug her? She has told me not to do several things that I know builds love units. Says that it annoys her.

Of course it annoys her. You are filling her lovebank, and she doesn't want you to do that. Markos used to write me lovenotes, and I'd tear them into tiny pieces and throw them away because it was so ANNOYING for him to do something I liked.

Keep doing the things that you know she likes. Does she like lovenotes? Write them (she may throw them away). Does she like flowers? Buy them (she may shred them). Does she like back rubs? Reach out and offer her one (she may brush you off). Be the man that continually offers to meet her emotional needs, even when rebuffed.

Does she like seeing you play with her children? Odds are she does. Play with them. Plan family dates. Markos used to do this to get close to me.

She loves back/foot rubs and flowers (does not want me doing this)... She gets mad when I touch her, says that I don't respect her when I do. Playing with the kids puts a smile on her face. I try to send her love notes via text messages every morning. Her pet name was Baby Girl, OM took to using this name, now I CAN NOT use it. She has gotten extremely mad when I try... Again saying that I don't respect her. At night, just before we close our eyes, is the only time that she "allows" me to hold her (spooning) and a brief peck on her shoulder to say good night. If I stay too long in this position, she tells me to get off her. Hugging a porcupine is a great visual. The kids and I come up with fun activities we can do as a family with her too.

One thing I have noticed, She is mad that she has spent so much time and energy trying to get away from me (the affair, the court case, Lawyers) to be back under my roof is heart breaking for her.

My wife and I got into a conversation last night about emotional needs that really didn't feel much like a conversation, but more of a warning from her. I have noticed that she is feeling down and barely leaves the couch or even gets out of bed before noon. So i asked her last night if she would talk to me. She said no. I asked why? She said she just doesn't want to talk to me. I left it alone for a little while but then brought up that I have been noticing her mood and that I am concerned. She again said that she doesn't want to talk to me. When I asked why this time, she said it was because she doesn't like me very much.... I left it alone again for a while.

On our nightly ritual, just as we are laying down, I cuddle with her and tell her that I love her and I don't know what to do or how to make us better but I am trying so very hard. She said that I am not respecting her wishes of not being touched. I said That one of my needs is physical intimacy. I said that I am trying everything during the day to stay away and give her space but at night, this is the only time you allow me to get near. She said that she is not allowing me, that I am forcing myself on her. That I am pushing her further away.

I'm not exactly sure of what to do at this point

She said that you are not respecting her wishes of not being touched, and you replied that one of your needs is physical intimacy.

Do you realise that you are saying that you will get your need met in that way, regardless of the fact that she has asked you not to do this?

Has she told you, explicitly, that she does not wish to be touched by you?

Yes.

So I take it now, I'm not supposed to hug her or touch her or offer to give back rubs or foot rubs? Even though this is what I've been asking for the last month on what to do? What ever i need to do, or stop doing... I'll do, but this is confusing!!

Also, I know to never FORCE my needs, but when should I address them?

It's really quite simple. She has told you she does not wish to be touched, so you NEVER touch her without her express consent.

Touching her against her consent is not the same as offering to give her back rubs or foot rubs. If you offer, she can refuse, and nothing has been violated. If you just do it, you have violated her; in her mind, it feels like an assault.

Why would you ever touch someone in a way that can be deemed sexual, when you have been told not to?

You asked this only a few days ago:

Prisca replied:

There are differences here from what you have been doing by spooning her in bed:

The first is that Prisca encouraged you to keep on doing things you know she like; not to keep on doing things she has told you she dislikes.

The second is that, when you "reach out and offer" to give a foot rub, you are offering to meet one of her needs, if she will let you. You are not - at least primarily - seeking to get your own need met. I'm sure that it does in fact give you pleasure to give her a back rub, as it is a form of touching - but you are primarily giving her the pleasure, not taking it for yourself. Giving her the pleasure is a very Plan A thing to do.

The third is that there is a clear difference between offering, and simply going ahead and doing something simply because you want to do it, for yourself.

You said "She has told me not to do several things that I know builds love units." - yes, but you should be doing things that build love units for her. If they also build them for you, that is fabulous. However, the goal, while she is withdrawn and depressed, is not to seek to get your own needs met, especially not in a way that annoys her.

I understand. Thank you for clarifying this!!! I will drop back. The Offer and denial is something I am coming very familiar with.

Do you understand why that was not the right way to answer?

ETA: nevermind, looks like SugarCane has explained it well and you do understand.

Yeah and my wifes reply to this was dead on with what you guys have said too. I don't think I have worked this hard for anything in my life! I keep imagining what it would have been like if I actually worked this hard on the marriage while it was still good?

The other thing about the spooning:

When you do this, your...anatomy is pressed against her, whether or not you wear pyjamas. It is pressed against an area that is private, and sexual to her.

When someone does this to a woman who does not want it, it feels like, and is, an assault. It's revolting - like when a perv rubs up against us on a crowded subway train. It's seedy, disgusting, and desperate. What kind of man wants to rub himself against a woman who does not want him? What kind of man does not care that her stomach is turning as he does that?

(Quite a lot of men, actually, judging by women's experiences of travelling on crowded transport; but we wouldn't want to be married to men like that. That is SO not the way to get a woman to like you.)

Well I'm sorry, but while she is withdrawn from you, she does not want sexual contact with you, and if you try to get it on the sly, like spooning her at night when she has told you she does not like that, she will feel the same way about you as she does about that pervert groper that she keeps well away from on the subway. You absolutely do not want to counter the goal of Plan A by actively turning her off from you.

In Plan A, you need to offer, and attempt, to meet the needs that she will let you meet. You must have no expectation that your own needs would be met. If your wife were willing to meet your needs, you wouldn't need to be in Plan A; with the affair over, and with her willingness to work on the marriage, you would be in Recovery.

Her affair does appear to be over, but she has many times expressed unwillingness to work on the marriage, and says that she is only there for the kids. That is very hard on you, because you want to work on the marriage and get your needs met, but you have chosen to try and bring her out of that withdrawn mindset by enacting Plan A. You might give up Plan A at some point when you cannot give any more without having your needs met, but as we have said many times on this thread, while you are in it, you need to do it properly, and that is very hard.

Please don't try to cut corners and skip to expecting her to build the marriage while she is withdrawn. If you push her, she will end the marriage. You asked recently whether you should issue an ultimatum and ask her to work on the marriage or leave, and this is the same thing; you are trying to get to the place where you are in recovery when she is not in recovery, but is in withdrawal. Don't do this. Do Plan A properly, and stop when you cannot do it any more.