This is one qoute that caught my eye Kat. You completely disregard the possibility that he could have a PA because he knows it would destroy your family.

This type of blind trust that he would just 'do the right thing' has resulted in many affairs on this board. Dr Harley says that we are all wired for affairs, that we are all capable of having affairs under the right circumstances. Many smart well intentioned people have thrown away their family, their careers, their entire lives for affairs. It is nieve to think it could happen to anyone but you... Your H lives a very independent lifestyle where there has been ample room for affairs in the past and in the present. For you to really protect your marriage, you need to know that this is a possibility.

You and Elaina are both saying the same thing, and you are giving me a lot to think about. This is a problem and I see now after being on this forum that I need to stand up for myself and what I deserve. I've had much more confidence in doing so after posting here and getting everyone's help.

He's doing what I've asked, but I haven't asked for pw on his devices. That is my next step.

My husband told me that he thought I was on board with everything in the last 2 years that I've told him I'm no longer ok with. He agrees to no more recreation without me or nights apart, even if it means our kids don't do travel sports. I see now that it's up to me to stop anything that is a threat to our marriage.

As for a PA...I'm not ruling out that possibility. Like Prisca's point, he hasn't shown that he has protective boundaries around women. Hard for me to recognize because he never acts like a guy who's checking other women out, or does anything obviously offensive. But making other people in general, including some women, more of a priority than me must stop. Telling me that he only knows other women from recreation class because he's being polite is confusing to me. He was getting to know other women outside of our marriage and I thought it was obvious when I showed up in class with him that he wasn't mentioning me in those conversations ( I could be wrong, I could have come up in a very general way, but not in the way Dr. H makes it clear he does when taking with the OS). I also wonder how much I was coming up with the mom on the team who he seemed warm with.

Here's the thing- I know I sound like a timid wife who doesn't want to rock the boat, but I know I'm a catch. I know my H is lucky to be married to me. I know that mom on the team and even women in his rec class don't hold a candle to me. But one thing I've learned here: people affair down. That got my antennae up. It's something I haven't worried about because I naively thought I didn't have to. In my mind, there is no reason my husband would even want to be with another woman. I know I'm the whole package. But you're right- I don't like making demands on him because I don't like getting into arguments.

And in the past, any argument we've ever had was because I made demands on his time. I didn't know how to ask and would have an AO (not as bad as examples from the radio show, I just don't have that in me, but I would cry and get mad at him and call him selfish).

Unwritten and Elaina, I'm glad you told me how my behavior looks. I see now that I need to be more assertive, even if it upsets my husband. And Elaina- your point about making these issues my husband's problem instead of all mine is very helpful.

I'll be rereading here a lot. Thanks to all of you for helping me see what a happy, fulfilling marriage looks like.

I wonder if the reason he doesn't want to talk to an MB counselor is because he knows they will encourage you to require transparency. Them his SSL falls apart. I can't remember, do you have access to the business books? Many an affair phone and account has been hidden in a business account.

Apples, that's true- I don't have a way of knowing whether anything was purchased using a business account unless I go to his office with him there and begin looking at books. But, his recent setup is new- like last year. Before it was all in the home and I could even view from his home computer what he was working on remotely. So I don't think he's purposely trying to hide things from me, but I've never asked him for his office key to go down and dig around by myself. To be fair, I have a small home office that he doesn't go digging around in either- it's just not what he's involved in or interested in. My computer is totally mine- he doesn't even know the login, though I've given it to him in the past to print something out.

He just doesn't like counseling in any form- wants to fix things ourselves. But he has no problem with me going or calling Dr. Harley.

So what should I do- let him know I want more transparency and that includes my own key to his office? Since I've sent him that letter he will not stop initiating SF. I can't tell if he's trying to make a point or he's thrilled that I care.

But basically, this is the behavior that warrants a separation right?:

1. Getting too warm with single mom on son's team.
2. Preferring to take son on travel tournaments alone so he doesn't have to negotiate with me, because I "make everything hard."
3. Going to rec class daily with 90% or more women and getting to know them, while not inviting me to join and not welcoming me when I did. And going instead of spending time with me, even after not seeing me all weekend or evenings due to team travel/coaching.
4. Ignoring me at games.
5. Ignoring me on team trip to go to separate pool for more entertainment (beer with other dads, more going on).
6. No SF for 2 months.
7. Not spending time with me and telling me to chill out when trying to schedule time together.
8. Not telling me that he was partnering up with another woman so often she started calling him her class "husband."
9. Not making conversation with me on dates or engaging. Withdrawn and silent at times.
10. Snapping irritably at me if I don't hear what he says or disagree.

Why I don't want to separate:
1. No evidence of affair.
2. Stopped going to rec class.
3. Spends much more time with me.
4. No more travel without me.
5. Much more SF, affection.

Still confused because:
1. Conversation is spotty. Engagement is spotty.
2. Still not sure why we get so disconnected at times.
3. Unclear about how much time was spent last year on tournaments without me with single mom from team.
4. Still unsure H knows how to have appropriate/protective boundaries around women.
5. Still not sure he won't get irritable, and still learning how to make it clear it's not ok while avoiding my own AO.

Why did the system have to be changed to something you can no longer see?

He was commuting between home/company office. Now he just had a satellite office, no commute.

I would focus on getting transparency and snooping into place before you start going off in 5 different directions.

What exactly do you have in place for snooping? I think I saw GPS.

Do you have access to his phone? Do you have access to the phone records or is it a company phone? Do you have spyware on his phone?

Besides his work email, do you have passwords to all other emails and do you have passwords to his social media accounts such as Facebook?

No I don't have all of those pw or access. I'd like to know if I should request these things from him and what to say if/when he asks me why. I could access his phone records but not without him knowing.

Don't say anything right now.

Do you have access to his phone or is locked?

I should say yes, I know his pw for most everything but no way to log into his work computer. I also know phone/personal email pw but no way to view phone records or log into personal email without him knowing.

1)If you have access to the cell phone, why haven't you installed spyware as is recommended?

2) what do you mean you can't view phone records without him knowing?

Yes I have access to his phone but I don't have records from previous seasons, and I'm concerned about individual texts/calls that could have been made, especially to that one mom on team. He says there were never texts exchanged, personal info discussed in conversations, or time spent together without group.

I feel like I really need to know that this is true. And I'm also wondering if any texts/phone numbers were exchanged with women in rec class. He assures me no.

But, until I find out for sure, I feel like this mom and others from rec class will continue to upset me.

I'm having trouble understanding exactly what's what, here.

So with the exception to one work email, you have ALL OTHER passwords to FB and personal email/s, etc?

So what are you going to do to get spyware on his devices? We have told you from the very beginning to snoop and put spyware on his devices.

ETA: I see you have installed spyware. And when is the last time you monitored it？

SQ, it doesn't let me see back texts.

I can't view our online phone records to see if calls/texts were made during sports season without logging on and the company notifying him that I did. So yes, I have passwords to get in, but it will notify him.

Yes and he's not on social media.

Do you have spyware on his devices that can show you what is being typed? Like a key logger?

I have current access to iPhone.
I could log into online account to view phone records but haven't due to alerting protocol.
I do not have access to deleted texts sent/received prior.