Should I move to my husband's paradise to win him over the OW who lives there now, or plan B? My husband has an unlimited spending account through work, so he spends half his time living it up on the beach, fancy dinners, cars, boat and staying with the OW, who reports to him at work. They've been having an affair for years and he brings her every time he switched jobs. A year ago I discovered and he announced he was leaving me but could not bring himself to do it. He told the OW he needed time but said she ended it. I now know they either did not end it or they got back together. We tried to reconcile at first but he wasn't ready so we separated for 3 months. The entire time he would still come back and forth weekly to cake eat. He finally moved back in 6 mo ago. He takes me and kids to vacation in paradise regularly and now we're buying a house in paradise. I know he still sleeps with her and he has sex with me regularly too. Should I go through with the house to put myself in his happy place? We are a happier couple there and get along nicely as friends with benefits. Also if I go and she sees we've moved into our next home together she may realize she has no future with him other than as the OW. Should I keep building the positive feelings back or put everything to a halt and refuse to go until he ends it with OW? The risk is he will just go live in paradise with her where she already is, and leave me behind forever. Should I plan B now, or maybe after I move and build up the relationship more? My kids are adults all except the youngest who will leave for college in a year. With your response please tell me why you answered as you did. Thanks.

Plan B.


Because you have been in Plan A against an active affair for years and women can't take that.

Thanks for responding, What about her advantage of living in paradise? If I'm there too then it's apples to apples. He has announced that he's leaving with or without me

It doesn't sound like you read what I said about why you need to go to Plan B.

Have you considered speaking to Dr. Harley?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? The 2013 edition?

A place that includes OW is not paradise.

Yes I've consulted with Dr Harley and he advised me not to go. He also advised I post this as I'm struggling and conflicted. Yes I've read the books

It's not my paradise but his. Perhaps if he sees me there instead of her then I'll be filling a need that she once did.

I've lasted over a year. I can last longer if I feel like I'm winning him back. Besides she may give up if she sees he has no intention of making what they have anything more than what it is

Thats not how men work though.

They will cake eat forever and ever. It is no competition if you keep filling some needs and she fills other. He just gets to enjoy it while it destroys you.

All you will be handing him, is his dream come true. TWO women fighing over him. His wife who won't leave him even if he treats you this horrifically- his mistress for all the fun fantacy.

Going prolongs the fantasy forever without end.

The best thing for a man is complete separation where he can't even speak to you, see you extra. It hurries up what is going to happen anyways. He is either going to pick her or you and going into plan B makes it happen quickly.

The longer you stay in this terrible place, the more entrenched his fantasy life becomes and your health will start to decline.

Once in an affair, men FEED off this women trying to win him.

He gets to have you fighting hard for him.... yum yum yum....

Then run back to her.... yum yum, yum.

It actually only makes the affair stronger.

You don't know what she is like-she thinks just like you! If I just keep giving him what he wants he will pick me. She will do this for years and years and maybe even forever.

How long does plan B usually take? He can last forever living on the beach with a younger, thinner replacement who tells him everything he wants to hear.

Plan B can be from weeks to a couple years.

It is true he might be able to last forever. But that is even more true if both you and mistress live there. Its a double win for him.

Give yourself and kids some credit.

Dr Harley is very clear though. If you got out of the way and made this OW meet all of his needs since you weren't around.... 95% of all of those affairs are dead within 2 years as the fantasy dies and the part that made the affair possible kick in (the lies etc)

No, you will look less attractive by going out there and competing with the OW. You will make it LESS likely that he will want you and harm yourself emotionally in the bargain. No benefit whatsoever to moving there. NONE, it only damages your position.

If he can last "forever" you should get divorced.

You should stay in Plan B for 2 years and if he doesn't end the affair, then divorce him. You should have nothing to do with him unless he ends his affair and comes to you willing to do ANYTHING to get you back.

Bristol, were you on Dr. Harley's radio show? What day?

How long does Plan B take for what? Plan B usually accomplishes its goals very quickly if the plan is followed correctly.

Did Dr. Harley explain to you what the purpose of Plan B is? Did you read about it in Surviving an Affair?

Betrayed wives can't convince other women affair partners of anything. That has never worked as long as I have been on this board.

That is not how affairs work. The people who would have affairs are real dirtbags. They are unable to sustain caring relationships because they care only about themselves. When they are on their own with the affair partner and the betrayed spouse is no longer in the picture, then they have no fun drama to talk about and then they suddenly start in on each other.

The affair will die a natural death. You cannot kill it. The only question is, what shape will you be in when that happens?