this is a follow on from my post at:
Surviving an Affair � wife (likely) wants to separate...
So my wife and I separated mid March.
She had been having an affair for some 4 to 5 months.
I exposed the affair, she went crazy.
We ended up in Court for interim orders in relation to custody of our daughters 6yo & 10yo, so the girls are currently seeing both of us.
We are back in Court soon, however my wife wanted to undertake mediation this week and today we had a joint session where she proposed some options in relation to custody of our children. We eliminated 3 options and were left with one option being she wants to relocate interstate WITHOUT our daughters but wants the girls spending ALL school/christmas holidays with her and she would also travel back to spend a weekend a month with the girls.
Her reason for wanting to relocate are; to have a relationship (with the guy she was having the affair with) and she had put the girls 1st for 10 years and was not happy and if she can become happy then she would be a better mother.
The Court cannot make her NOT relocate, however the Court will probably not allow the kids spend ALL of the school/christmas holidays with her.
I'm stunned that my wife, mother of our kids, might choose to relocate interstate without our children to risk trying to find happiness with another guy (whom I think has part time custody of 3 of his own kids from 3 different woman).
I don't know who I married, I know she had a difficult upbringing with no father love and a narcissistic mother who was emotionally dependant on her kids (being my wife and her brother), though some say my wife is just a narcissistic manipulating woman quite like her mum. She just quit our marriage for this guy without at least trying to professionally work thru our relationship issues.
I find myself in a difficult predicament!
I don't think my wife has even thought of what she would say to our daughters about her moving to another and leaving everyone behind.
My heart bleeds tonight for my daughters!
PS I live in another country.

Are you wanting to save your marriage? If so, stay over in the SAA section and don't start a new thread in divorcing.

Are you living in a different country from where your wife and girls are living? How soon can you rectify that?

Hi Markos

We (my wife & I) live in another (but same) country.

I think our marriage is irreparable and my family will not support me if I tried.

My situation is probably more unique then many others, my wife has no family & limited friends in the state we live in and probably feels vilified (by my family & friends) because her affair was exposed. She probably feels moving to the other state where her lover & some friends live would also give her a fresh start without having to be around or near my family. She is a very stubborn woman with may upbringing issues & must remain in love with this other guy.

I would prefer she stayed in the state we currently live and help with parenting of our daughters, however I nor the Court can make her stay her, she is free to move interstate if she wishes.

So it looks like she may soon make the decision to relocate interstate and leave our girls behind with me, thinking imessage, facetime, 1 weekend per month visit and school holidays will enable her to parent sufficiently.

This of course changes my life dramatically however the main thing is that I'm so sad for my girls.

I read your whole post and still don't understand if you want to save your marriage or not.


There is absolutely nothing unique in that paragraph. I could literally find 100 threads here just like it. Everybody always shows up here thinking their situation is unique and it never is.

Betrayed husband thinks situation is unique: always true
wife has no family & limited friends in the state we live in: frequently true
WW feels vilified (by my family & friends) because her affair was exposed: always true (what did you think they overflow with gratitude for this?)
probably feels moving to the other state where her lover & some friends live would also give her a fresh start without having to be around or near my family: always true
husband disrespectfully describes wife as "very stubborn woman": always true
husband says wife has "upbringing issues": always true

You said you exposed the affair, but over on your other thread you were indicating you weren't going to expose to the children.

You didn't tell your children, did you?

No I did not tell the children.
Because I did not want to risk the Court in this country crucifying me and running the risk of losing my kids.

PAS, they say the same crap in this country, but it's never true. MelodyLane explained this to you and you ignored her and now things are worse.

I would expect things are just going to get worse for you at this rate because you aren't willing to do the things that might make your situation happier for you.

Have you seen your doctor about getting some antidepressants prescribed?

Have you ever read anybody else's thread here on this board? Have you gotten the Marriage Builders app so you can listen to Dr. Harley and learn from him about what you can do to make your situation better?

The impression I get is that like many people who come here you are paralyzed in inaction. Be aware that things are only going to get worse.

I have read this whole thread multiple times now and I still don't see whether you want to save your marriage or not.

Do you want to save your marriage?

It's 4.30am here
So if I tell the kids about the affair, they might become distraught, etc.
The Court will find out when we are there in 2 weeks.
The Court may then favour the kids going with her interstate.
How does this help?

Your kids know about the affair. Children always know. Your silence is making them assume that affairs are ok. That this is what grownups do.

That is the behavior they are modeling. Is that what you want for them in their lives? For your daughters to cheat on their husbands and for your sons to chose cheaters?

They are already distraught. The only hope they have is one parent who loves them enough to tell them what is going on and be there for them.

How does hiding the truth help them?

Do you want to save your marriage?

Have you ever read anybody else's thread here on this board?

Have you gotten the Marriage Builders app so you can listen to Dr. Harley and learn from him about what you can do to make your situation better?

Have you seen your doctor about getting antidepressants prescribed?

If my wife relocates interstate then the girls are bound to be told why.
I have read threads in this board.
I am faced with a professional health system here in Australia which believes telling kids about affairs is bad. Even our family psychologist whom I'm trying to see again urgently believes it's bad and advises me against it.
I'll try downloading the app and might see a local doctor.

Ive been in the court system and know some folks in Aust.

The mental health field disagree's about many things such as this. Even in your country.

If you tell the court, you told the kids the reason for the divorce, what their mother is up too with an affair it can not be used against you because it is the truth.
If you called your W bad names and told them lies about her then it could be. Avoid that.

Get it: Truth can not be used against you
Lies/name calling can.

Judge: Why did you tell your girls.

PAS: I was advised from my counselor that it would be better for the girls to know the truth so they didn't think their mother's behavior was their fault.

The end.

You are really blowing this up much bigger than it should be and I do feel for your girls.
Not only is their mother abandoning them (which they will think is their fault)
They have no idea that its an affair, getting mixed signals from everyone and no one to explain. Poor girls indeed.
(I have 2 girls so I really feel for them)

Many WW seem to flip out and abandon their kids. This is also something not special. I don't understand why, but the addiction is that strong.

I'm pretty sure I already posted this to you on your other thread.
Exposing to Children

Besides my daughters learning the truth by being told mum is moving to QLD to live with another man because she loves him... how will this help me otherwise?
is the aim to get my wife to stay here by telling the truth?

PAS, we don't know what your aim is. I've asked you about four times if you want to save your marriage and you have steadfastly refused to answer me.

Only you can decide what your goal is. You are certainly well within your rights to divorce your wife if that is what you want.

Once you know what your goal is, if you will tell us, we can talk to you about how we can help you achieve it.

Another question: are you still dating other women while married to your wife?