Dr. Harley responded. He said my plan to finish Plan A then move in with my parents and then stipulate we move away together upon the return of WW is very reasonable. He just said to make sure I consult with an attorney first. He also said WW will probably get OM to move into the house with her and she will want the children at home with her.

He also said that since most waywards have their judgement severely crippled, she will probably put us in a deep financial hole by the time the affair ends. So I need to consult with an attorney for that reason too.

He said make sure I have an attorneys blessing on whatever I do.

He said to "finish" your Plan A? That doesn't make any sense. Can you post the EXACT email exchange? That sounds more like something you want to do. You CAN make plans to move out now - with your attorney's help and go into Plan B after you get moved out. I can imagine him telling you to consult with an attorney FIRST, though. That is very typical advice. But I don't see the point of waiting a month to get this going. I don't think he intended for you to do nothing for 5 weeks.

And what will you do if the attorney says "don't move out?" Stay there for years and years?

Maybe I misread it. My email was fairly long and his response was fairly short. Soon as I get home I will post the exchange. I wasn't sure if it was Ok to post his response.

Dr. Harley,

I have been in Plan A for about 4 and a half months now. My wife had reluctantly agreed to no contact after about the first month of Plan A. She went back and forth between me and the other man a few times and eventually made it a month with no contact.

Recently she ran into OM at the gym, restarted the affair, moved out of our house and said she wanted a divorce. It has been a month now that she has been contacting OM and refuses to stop. She moved back home after a week, but said it was out of convience and not to fix the marriage. She keeps threatening divorce but never goes thru with it.

I have been telling her everyday how much the affair is hurting me and she does feel bad, but she refuses to stop and claims she is just at home because she has nowhere else to go. But she is still acting like we are married in every way (except affection), except when she gets mad at me she says she is getting a divorce and sleeps in the spare bed and says she will not stop talking to OM. But she always eventually calms down after a day or two and returns to our bed.

Should I finish the last 5 weeks of my plan A or go ahead into plan B? My spying is taking a toll on her and she is getting angrier everyday as I put pressure on her affair. She says I am invading her privacy and that I have no right to spy on her. Yesterday her and her mother teamed up on me saying I need to give up. So she may actually get fed up and go thru with the divorce very soon. Does it make a difference if I go into plan B before or after she actually files for divorce? She stated several times that she wants me to leave so she doesn't have to file for divorce and be mean and force me out.

Also, OM lives about 10 minutes away with his mother. He makes very little money, so she can't stay with him and said she has to keep the house to be able to take care of the kids. The people on the forum have been advising that we need to move away since OM lives so close. But I can't move if she doesn't come with me, because of the line of work I am in. Every job starts before daylight, and I can't get the kids to school on my own. I have to have her or someone to be able to stay with the kids in the early morning hours and bring them to school. And she isn't agreeing to move away or even end the affair. And I don't think moving without bringing the kids will entice her to come with me.

The only idea i can come up with is to go into plan B in 6 weeks, move in with my parents (15 miles from our house) and bring the kids with me. Then if the affair eventually ends and she decides to save the marriage, I can tell her that my stipulation is that we move away. Is that a good plan or is my only option to find a way to move now and bring the kids with me, in hopes that she will join me? If the affair ends a natural death while I am in Plan B, do we still have to move away or will that make it ok to live within 10 minutes of OM?

Thanks,

HIS RESPONSE:



I think that your plan is very reasonable, but you should consult with an attorney before you do anything. Make sure that everything you do is with his or her blessing. I often find that when a spouse has an affair, their judgment in most areas of life is severely crippled, and even when they return to their spouse for good, the damage that they have done financially puts both spouses deeply in the hole. Make sure that your decisions do not put you at a financial disadvantage while you are separated. By moving out of the house, you may give your wife the upper hand in keeping it for herself. Her affair partner may wish to move in with her and she would want to have the children there too.

Dr. Harley

ok, so basically he says to go ahead and get legal protection and move out. You don't have to wait to do that because you would have to be moved out in order to go into Plan B.

You have this all backwards. You have to FIRST move out before you can go into Plan B. You can't go into plan b if you still live there.

Ok I see what you mean. But shouldn't I finish the last 6 weeks of Plan A while I am talking to the lawyer and secretly preparing to move? Or at least put in a week or so of supercharged plan A, to leave her with that memory?
Also, should I tell her I am planning to leave or just get everything ready, leave a note and dissapear?

And should I talk to the lawyer about taking the kids completely or set up 50/50 custody like we were going to do before? And am I supposed to serve her with papers when I leave, or tell her I am leaving to heal and let her initiate the divorce?

It will take you a couple of weeks to get moved out and be prepared legally. You can leave a good impression while you do that.

Ok. Thanks Melody

Try to get full custody if that is possible and take the kids with you. You will probably have to file for divorce to get legal protection.

I agree. Do you live in a no fault state?

I remember hearing that term "no fault" but I don't remember what it was. I know the lawyer told me we have 2 types of divorce. 1 is irreconcilable differences and it takes a year of seperation to finish. The other is that we divorce because of the affair and it only takes a couple months to be final.
I think the original paperwork he gave me did say something about a "no fault" divorce.

1 thing that concerns me about filing is that WW wants me to file. Then she can tell everyone I divorced her so she has every right to pursue the affair. A few weeks ago when she had left me, I heard on the VAR she was telling OM that she felt bad because it was making it look like she left me to be with OM.

I was kind of hoping she would hurry up and file and have me forced out. So it would be her fault for hurting the kids by changing their daily routine.

We are not telling you to file because she wants you to file, but to get custody of your children and to obtain legal protection. You don't want her to be in charge of the process. You have a GREAT window of opportunity here if you will take it because she is fogged out and distracted by her affair.

Talk to your attorney about what would be best for your position. You need the FACTS about your legal position and then YOU decide what is best for YOU and your kids, keeping in mind that most attorneys only want to facilitate the easiest divorce possible.

You do understand that she feels she has a "right" to pursue her affair now, right? She is in an active affair. That is why you are planning on moving out with your children.

Have the attorney force the sale of the house as part of the separation/divorce process.

Thanks for all of the advice.

WW has been acting way better for the past day and a half. I think I found the reason why. I just heard on the VAR, her acting OM were fighting. WW was yelling and cursing. She was complaining to him for whining all the time and not accepting fault for anything. He was complaining that she talks to him meanly all the time. She kept saying, "do you want me to stop talking to you? Thats what you said. I want to be clear." Finally she said she is done and hung up. They were also talking about how OM had sent her a message saying he hopes he dies (he does sound like a whiny little child).

I have heard them fight like that before, so they will most likely make up in a day or so and she will be back to being mean. Hopefully though, this is the beginning of the end. But it also makes me like WW less to think she is only being nice because her and OM are fighting.

Should any of this news change my plans? I'm talking to the lawyer regardless and planning my move, but should I do anything else?

WW just called me. She got fired from her job because she was mad that they wouldn't give her an apartment to carry on her affair, and she sent a lot of bad emails to the boss complaining. I'm sure the workplace affair was the root cause, though she won't see it.

Maybe this will help with divorce and custody now.

Good news she is no longer working with the OM thus getting you one step closer for WW have NC with the OM.

OM left that job several months ago.