My apologies. Im sitting in the grocery store parking lot using my iphone. Its much easier to do this on a computer.

You said exposure was complete, but who did you expose to on OM's side? Is OM married?

Also, how can EPs put in place if she never changed her contact information?

OM's side I dont know anyone to expose to. He is single and unemployed as far as I can tell

Like I said, she refused EP's beyond blocking him on social media, blocking his number, and giving me passwords to everything she has.

Did you find his parents or siblings? Did you expose to his married Friends on Facebook? You said your Wife and him communicated through social media so he has to have a list of people you could have exposed to??

He has disappeared from social media. I dont know who any of his people are. I really am 300% convinced at this point its not about him anymore. They havent seen or spoken to each other in over a month. I really really feel like this is about me drainjng the love bank and her not trusting me to ever keep it full. The other guy is out of the picture at this point. You have to take my word for that if you are going to help me.

You are only a month out from an affair!

You think it has nothing to do with now?

Have you read Dr H works? It can take years to get back to where you were and there is no woman on planet earth that is going to have fallen back in love with you within one month.

It takes 6 weeks if you were having great UA time for 20-30 HOURS a week to get to that point of just being out of the fog and feeling good again. Have yall done this?

She is still in the fog man. Really. It is what it is. She is still holding onto her affair in her mind whether she knows it or not.

Plan A. Its all you can do. Go read up about how to do it and keep on it.

Honestly yes we have had really good UA time on almost daily basis up until this weekend. We got as far as even holding hands driving down the road which is something we have never done. Having regular sex, going on dates, sitting and talking, playing together with our daughter, communicating about everything, you name it. We have been doing really good. Then I overreacted to the situation this weekend and it destroyed everything we have been working on. That feeling of defeat is overwhelming and even caused me to feel like I was exhausted for a brief moment. Working so hard and seeing progress, taking 3 steps forward only to fall 10 steps back. It seems impossible but I see our marriage as a long term project. I am in it for the long haul and shes ready to toss it in the trash now. This isnt about thr other guy. Its about my Plan A working perfectly, causing her to 180 towards me, and finally trust me with her love bank. I destroyed it all and killed her hope by overreacting to having another girl spend the night. I dont think this is fog. I honestly dont. If it was fog, plan A wouldnt have been working so well and so quickly.

Did you see this?

It doesn't HELP you to pretend this is a marriage building 101 issue, when it is not. You never recovered your M, you were NEVER in recovery.

You were supposed to remain in Plan A. You NEVER should have left your still WW wife alone while you went on a trip and you should have been working HARD on eliminating your lovebusters.

I don't see that you are getting this, at all.

So many problems with this statement, I hardly know where to begin.

You SHOULD be worried about the OM. Especially since your WW never agreed to implement all the EPs as laid out in SAA.

Dr Harley warns of the addictive nature of affairs, suggesting a move often times and warning that a couple can fully recover their marriage and the WS could have 100% for a number of years and slip back into the affair.

It is this dangerous mindset and misapplication of MB that led you to leave your WW while you went away on a trip, something Dr Harley would warn against in a HEALTHY marriage, forget one one month out from an affair.

Like has been pointed out, she knew you were watching her and had taken her activities underground.

This was how my ex husband behaved WHILE he was in an A and didn't want me to suspect anything.

So she text me just now saying she is staying at her sisters house with DD tonight. I just said "ok have fun". Her sister lives about 2 miles from OM's place. I plan to stake the place out tonight. Only problem is she can see on her phone when anyone clmes and goes from our house. She will know I didnt go home tonight if I stake her out, and she can flip this on me "why didnt you go home last night? Where were you? Etc..."

Convenient that its friday night. Didnt ask if I wanted to keep DD tonight. Just took her to her sisters house. Tells me she isnt staying at her sisters.

My ex H was not even trying to Plan A me when I learned of his A (a HUGE lovebusters that DESTROYED my trust), and my first instinct was not to file for D and go out and get a new phone.

You need to set aside your own foggy ideas about what's going on and start to listen, bc you really have no clue what you are doing or talking about.

So what do you think is going on?

On the surface I think she is running low on emotions and this wave of anger she is riding is starting to burn out, so she is going to the closest enabler she has to reload on hate and anger to keep her momentum going. But in the back of my mind Im curious why she is staying there on a friday night. The other part of me says she isnt stupid enough to be hanging with OM with divorce looming and the damage that being caught could do to her credibility in court.

I have heard her say recently that she is fed up because I have had 100% transparency for going on 6 weeks now and found nothing, yet I continue to try to make things what they arent (referring to my overreactiom to random girl spending the night). She is fed up with giving me this transparency because I am using it to make something out of nothing, etc.

Today i cancelled the $500 monthly direct deposit i have been making to her account and also finalized the sale of her car that we have been trying to sell for so long. She is currently in a rental car with divorce on the brain, asking me for a new car. What do you suggest I do? My atty seems indifferent. He said to do whatever you would normally do since I am not the one pursuing divorce.
So thats my legal advice, but from a fixing my marriage standpoint, what should I do?

I text W last night asking if DD was asleep yet and if not could I tell her goodnight. She called immediately and i talked to DD for a couple minutes. She was being goofy, wife seemed in a good mood, i told DD goodnight and we hung up. That was at about 9pm. I went to bed. I woke up this AM to a text from W at 11pm that says "are you awake?"

I havent responded. It clearly wasnt urgent, and if it was non relationship or strictly business she could have just said or asked whatever it was. The fact that she asked if I was awake tells me she wanted to talk about us or the R to some extent. Not sure how to play it. Should i reply and ask what she wanted to talk abt? Or let it go/let her try again?

Wife came home with DD just now. She took a shower while I played with DD. she packed up a bag for herself and DD, and told me they were going to her moms (2 hours away) to swim and hang out with her family. I asked if she would be home tonight and said no they were spending the night. My wife has an almost infantile connection with her mother so this is completely normal behavior for her. But she didnt have 3 words to say to me, wouldnt look at me, stomped around the house, and slammed the door on her way out.

Why is she so mad? And still?

I have been nothing but pleasant and cooperative. Nothing negative or argumenative. The only thing I have NOT done is lube up her divorce for her. I have not pursued her, tried to talk about our situation or anything else that could push her away farther at this point.
She wanted me out of the house and that didnt happen. Thats about the only thing I can think of she could be mad about right now. She has gone to several different attys which tells me she has been shopping for one to tell her what she wants to hear. She wants full custody and half of everything and it just isnt going to happen. But you mean to tell me she is still door-slamming mad over last weekend? There is no way. This, to me, feels like it is evolving into a tantrum.

A week ago we were at one of the best points of our marriage to date, and today im getting treated like she hates the air I breathe!

Im lost on how to proceed. Plan A? But what does that look like for me right now? She is avoiding me at all costs, wont even look at me!

I am losing weight, have needed to for a while now. I truly need to drop 50 lbs to look and feel good again. The pain of her leaving has left me without an appetite so dieting is pretty simple right now. Although she hasnt physically left, it already hurts just the same. But weight loss is a priority for me right now and I am making that a daily objective. Might help her find me more attractive? Who knows.

Im working on my self esteem and insecurities by first figuring out what they are and what the source is. I dont feel like my wife has respected me in a very long time. She has been fearful of me to some extent, in terms of being nervous of how I may respond to conflict. She gets her feelings hurt very very very very very easily. So addressing my inner fears and jnsecurities are something that has to happen before expecting anyone to respect me.

Our MC has implated in W's head that she is very tolerant, submissive, and avoids conflict. This based on the results of TJTA tests that we have both taken. I scored very high on indifference and on dominance. Obviously the MC sees my character smothering my W's character and I see that too. Maybe I am old school but I believe a husband and a father has to be strong and dominant. Almost every religion even reinforces that. I see my wife's personality as being submissive to the point that it causes her to build anger, resentment, and hate over time. It doesnt take major issues to cause that to happen either, hence the "10,000 paper cuts" that she describes our marriage as. She submits to everyone in her life, which is the reason she is talking divorce instead of even trying to think about our lives together or what we can work on to move forward. Her friends and family are screaming "leave him" and thats what is driving her.


According to the TJTA, Indifference is what I have to work on more than dominance. Being indifferent is to lack sympathy or concern. I do this as a defense mechanism. Being sympathetic and concerned feels to me like a weak trait. I dont feel like I can make important decisions and be an effective leader, husband, and father if I am worried about everybodys feelings 24/7. I am not in control of how someone else feels. That is their own thing to handle. This obviously is not conducive to a healthy and happy marriage but I dont know how to get there from here.

Please help!!!