Hello all!

I'm looking for help to resolve a particular issue. I have, over the years, been able to voice complaints when I am not happy when my husband does something. I don't find it necessary to do so often, but When I do, the following usually happens.

For example, I told my DH that it bothered me because he did such and such. He responded defensively and in a high pitched voice ( I hope you all can imagine the tone I'm talking about) I told him not to use that tone and he proceeded arguing about his tone. I pointed it out to him and response was a sarcastic remark and walked out of the room.
For the next two hours before bedtime, he gave me the silent treatment and went to bed without saying good night.

Now, I'm still upset for the first thing that bothered me to begin with as well as his reaction. However, he will act like nothing ever happened. I usually withdraw and get over it in time but I know that that isn't healthy for me to do.

So to the point, what should I do?? Should I bring up the original topic again until he agrees to address it? Or not, since I already voiced it?

BTW, the original complaint was an angry outburst directed at the children.

What is he doing about his angry outbursts?

He honestly hardly ever has one. Which is why it surprised all of us and bothered me so much.

Correct, that is not healthy for you and not good for the relationship.



Complaints are very important. They are the way that we alert our spouses when something is wrong. But they need to be delivered correctly. For example, if someone has an angry outburst, you immediately leave the room. You do not react at all as this would simply escalate the conflict. An angry outburst is a moment of madness, that is not the time for reasoning.

Then when everything is calm again you ask if you can have some undivided attention. Then you calmly and respectfully address your complaint by telling your spouse how you feel. So something like 'when you yell at the children it makes me feel. . .'

If he gets defensive, drop it but come back to it later. Do not leave it alone. Tell him that you feel unsafe with this unresolved. Explain what that means. He needs to never have another angry outburst.

Then give him an adult way of deal with problems. He needs to hear from you that you will be respectful and helpful when he runs into difficulties. When you can, go back to the original issue that started this. Were the children behaving badly? Give him some help with this. Maybe he needed your support when things started to unwind. Or maybe he needs to have some suggestions of sanctions. Children can be impossible at times which is why two parents are so valuable. It could be as simple as a hand off between you when something like this arises.

Thank you living well. I appreciate the feedback. I voiced the complaint exactly as you said, at a later time and in a calm and respectful way.

I'll readress him losing his temper with the children and see if we can find another way to resolve that.

Good!



Not just with the children, he needs to never have another angry outburst, ever. Tell him that this is incredibly important because he will be asked to pack his bags and leave if it ever happens again.

Have the two of you learned how to negotiate? That is the best way to resolve issues.

**EDIT**